Tuesday, December 30, 2003

Do You Remember Love?

Your Christmas pictures upset me, Peggy. I knew you were getting worse but It is easy to pretend when you are so far away.  I'm glad you are surrounded by family even as you Forget Love.

This monstrosity started gaining momentum when it knew it was winning!  I remember how scared you were when you couldn't remember things and then you became terrified!   

I wanted to reach in your mind and grab that slimy monster by it's throat and pull it off of your brain before it could destroy you!!!!!  But when I saw the pictures I knew that "The Damn monster" has already won!  

It has now sucessfully sucked the thoughts and rememberances from your mind.

I am angry this morning at what Alzheimer's has done to you.   

 I am angry that I can do nothing to stop this from happening to you.!   

 I am Angry because I can see in the pictures that...You Can't Remember Love!

Peggy, my Anger has turned into Fear but I  Promise You that I Will Make Sure that My Fear turns back into Courage as I continue to Watch You..Disappear!

I love you today, Peggy.              Mary Louise

Monday, December 29, 2003

Becoming "REAL"

One of my favorite books is "The Velveteen Rabbit" by Margery Williams.  The Velveteen Rabbit is a book about becoming REAL!   

A little boy received a stuffed Rabbit for christmas.The rabbit was beautiful, his coat was spotted with brown and white. He had thread wiskers and his ears were lined with pink sateen.The little boy fell in love with his rabbit.    One day the Rabbit asked the Skin Horse, the oldest toy in the nursery, What is REAL?  

The Skin Horse replied..REAL isn't how you are made! It is a thing that happens to you. It happens when someone loves you for a long time, not just to play with but REALLY LOVES YOU!

THEN, You Become Real!  The rabbit didn't notice, as years went by, that his velveteen fur was getting shabby and his tail had become unsewn or that the pink of his nose had been kissed off, his wiskers had been loved off and the pink sateen of his ears had turned grey.The boy thought his rabbit was still beautiful. He had become REAL and when you are real...shabbiness doesn't matter.

A Loved one is forever REAL and Beautiful.   

Peggy has changed but she is still beautiful to me!    Peggy,You are My Velveteen Rabbit! Teaching me to be REAL in my everyday life.     

I Love You Today, Peggy.       

Mary Louise

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sunday, December 28, 2003

SMILE

                                                    SMILE

Smile..though your heart is aching.

Smile even though it's breaking.

When there are clouds in the sky..You'll get by.

 If you smile through your fear and sorrow..Smile and maybe tomorrow..

You'll see the sun come shining through...For You!

Light up your face with gladness.

Hide every trace of Sadness...

All though a Tear may be ever so near...

That's the time you must keep on trying..

SMILE, what's the use of crying..

We'll see that life is still worth while...

If "WE" JUST SMILE.

We love you today,Peggy

BettyJean,Barbara,Johnny&MaryLouise

Friday, December 26, 2003

A PLACE CALLED "JUST IS"

I wonder what it would be like to live in the place called "Just Is" like Peggy does!

I can't imagine what it would be like to forget Christmas or to forget my life!

 I admit that sometimes it would be nice to forget the pain I have experienced but that would also mean the lessons learned from the pain would be erased as well. The pain and joy that I have experienced  have been great teachers!

Peggy is getting worse and I am aware that one day she will not be able to talk to me. I cannot imagine not hearing Peggy's voice in my life.

I continue to try and wrap my mind around the concept of no past or future.  We are all a combination of our pasts, our present and our futures. Those memories dictate how we live our lives every day.    

Peggy doesn't seem to be scared or afraid at all.      She has no fear of what will become of her as she slides into Alzheimer's Disease a little more every day. I am thankful for that and that she is living in a happy place called "Just Is."

Peggy's "Just Is" place is a place where she is content and happy.                               

In her Place.. She is the one who decides who will visit her durning the day.      There are never unwanted or uninvited guests. There are only guests that make her happy.

I am thankful that Peggy's "Just Is" place is a safe and a happy enviorment as she continues on her journey and slowly disappears.

Some times, I would like to knock on the door of her mind and have her invite me inside so I could visit and understand what she is feeling.. BUT,

That is Impossible because..

She Lives in a place where she has Forgotten... AND

I Live in a Place Where...

I CAN'T REMEMBER TO FORGET!

I Love You Today, Peggy

Mary Louise

Thursday, December 25, 2003

CHRISTMAS DAY 2003

God Grant You the Light in Christmas,

Which is....

Which is Faith;

The Warmth of Christmas,

Which is Love....

The All of Christmas,

Which is Christ!   

Wilda English

 

My sister's love is very special, one I'll treasure through the years.

We've played and laughed together and ofttimes shed many tears.

But through life's maze of problems,

God's placed a bond of love within....

To unite our hearts in wisdom.....

Changing Sister's into Friends!

Judy Meggers

 

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Especially to My Sister's!

I Love You today,Betty Jean!

I Love You Today, Barbara!

I love you Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

 

 

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

Christmas Eve

This is the Big Day!             Santa Visits tonight!

Peggy seemed happy this morning but was not interested in  talking. She almost said Hello and Goodbye in the same breath! I take comfort that she is happy. I asked her again if Santa was going to bring her anything and she answered...Everything!

Now, That's the Peggy that I KNOW and LOVE! ( smile).

  Now, I turn to Christmas Eve and Santa's "Possible" visit to me tonight.

I must admit, as I see Santa looking at "THE LIST" that  I get a little nervous and I MAY have been a "little" naughty this year.

Here It Is People...

THE GOOD, THE BAD, THE UGLY!!!!!

O K, O K...I have been A Lot Naughty during the past year but only for Short Periods of Time!

I want Santa to know that I WILL be better this year!  

There is a big Material streak running through my body and It really kicks in on Christmas Eve.

 I try to control it but it is there as big as Life!    I DO WANT Presents!

So Santa, please over look the Naughty in me and I promise that I won't wear my button today... that announces........

ON SANTA'S NAUGHTY LIST....

AND PROUD OF IT!!!

AND, I promise NOT to wear my shirt that say's....

DEAR SANTA, I WANT IT ALL!!!!!!!!!!

I Love You Today Peggy!

Merry Christmas Eve to my sister, who was my partner in mischief while growing up!

Loving you while you slip away from me and loving you as you continue to Reach towards the Heavens To Touch the Face of God!

What a joyous Christmas that will be for You! How very sad for us!

LOVE to my Forever Friend.

Mary Louise

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

CHRISTMAS GIFT'S TIED WITH HEARTSTRINGS!

What kind of gift do you give someone who doesn't remember who you are or what you meant to one another?

I struggled, thinking of a gift to give to Peggy this Christmas.

She doesn't want or need material things.

So, I decided to give her gifts that are Tied with Heart Strings!

I will give her the gift of my laughter.

I will give her the gift of my time.

I will give her the gift of my rememberances.

I will give her the gift of my care.

I will give her the gift of my love.

I will give her the gift of pictures.... from our past as Sister's.

I will give her the gift of my voice every day.

I will give her gifts that cost no money and are not material in any way because Christmas is a time for gifts from the heart.

The best Christmas gifts are always tied with Heart Strings!

I remember when my children were small and they gave me gifts tied with heartstrings! They had pride and joy on their faces as they presented their gifts to me.

A hand drawn picture. A figure molded from clay. A hand sewn apron. A toy Raccoon glued to a wooden spoon. I especially loved the wad of masking tape that was covered in sparkles!

My heart sang when I received those gifts from my children's hands on Christmas' long ago.

So now, I must think of gifts to give my Sister who is a small child again in many ways and needs........

ONLY GIFT'S TIED WITH HEART STRINGS!!!!!!!!!!

I love you Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

Monday, December 22, 2003

SANTA CLASS 101 FOR PEGGY

This morning, I was attemping to give Peggy the excitement and anticipation of Santa and Christmas Time Joy.  Here is our conversation this morning.

Hi Peggy, it's Mary Louise.    Peggy..Hello

ME-Guess what, Peggy! It's only 3 day's until Santa comes!

Peggy- It Is?          Me-What did you ask Santa to bring you this year?

Peggy-I don't know what.

Me- We will fix that right now. You are Now in Big Sister's SANTA CLASS 101.

You sit on Santa's lap and ask him for Christmas Gifts.       

 Peggy..I don't know what to ask.             

Me-There are only 2 gifts to ask Santa to bring you.

Peggy...Laughing, O K!

Me-#1. JEWELRY!

Peggy......JEWELRY!

Me- #2  Anything from VICTORIA SECRET !

Peggy-Anything from Victoria Secret.

Now, Peggy, you are ready for your talk with Santa! 

 It occured to me as I hung up the phone that Peggy is perfectly satisfied with her life as it is now. She does not need to ask Santa to bring her gifts because she has all that she wants or desires in her world. Loving people around her, a place to be safe and someone to take care of all her needs.

 Material things have no place in her world of  The Totally Present.

What a wonderful world to live in at Christmas Time! 

 Thank you, Peggy for reminding me of the most important gifts of this season.  Thank you as You continue to teach me Because of your disease!

I love you Today, Peggy!

Merry Christmas, Sister!

Mary Louise

 

 

Saturday, December 20, 2003

SISTER'S...BETTY JEAN AND BARBARA

Sometimes, I get so bogged down in my grief and sadness over watching Peggy disappear that I FORGET TO REMEMBER that I have Two other sister's who love and care for me as much as I love and care for them.

Last week, I recieved two Christmas gifts. One from Betty and one from Barbara.

Betty sent me minatures of the 12 day's of Christmas and an ornament with April ( my birth month) printed on the back.

Barbara sent a Sister's Calendar with daily sayings for the year ahead and a cute Santa that I have already pinned to my coat.

Loving, Thoughtful gifts from Sister's who love me.

They are also hurting as we witness the deterioration of our baby sister

Thank you, Betty and Barbara for all of your love and care as we hurt together!!

We are losing Peggy but we still have one another to lean on as we navigate through these rough, unfamiliar waters. We hold one another up on certain day's so that the 3 of us won't drown in our sorrow.

We stand by and give all we can to Peggy as she slowly dissapears from our lives but  we know that we will never let her disappear from our Hearts!

Yes, I am losing one sister who means the world to me BUT............ I have Two other sister's who will never let me get too low and who continue to hold me up in mind and in  prayer.

We are in this TOGETHER...

WE ARE THE FAB 4!

I Love you Today, Betty Jean!

I Love You Today, Barbara!

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

 

Friday, December 19, 2003

SISTER MOTHERING

I talked with Peggy this morning and felt numb when I hung up the phone.

She answered everything that I asked but with the words that I had just said.

It was a difficult call.

Very strained and a lot of silences.

I really didn't feel like calling today and pushed myself to do it anyway.

 I don't feel that I can ask her questions because she can't think of the words to say and gets nervous and searches for words that will not come. I think it makes me more uncomfortable than it makes her.

So, I chatter away knowing that she doesn't even know who is on the other end of the phone.

I wanted to yell, It's ME, Peggy! It's Mary Louise but that wouldn't help her and it would only hurt me more when she couldn't respond.

Another day of saying Goodbye to Peggy.

It's interesting that on some day's calls like this do not bother me at all.  BUT..

On a day when my spirits are low and I don't feel well, It does and it did today. The strained conversation made me tired.

I tried to write in my journal all day but nothing would come until now.

She did seem happy as she does on most day's.

I'm thankful for that but I'm aware that today, that I am very sad and I miss Peggy.

 I needed to talk and have her listen and reassure...Like Old Times.

 I miss the Peggy that I could talk with and share the sadness that I am feeling about missing Mother and Daddy. 

What I  needed today was the Sister Mothering that we gave to one another.

Some day's are like that.... I hang up the phone and feel a huge void and feel pretty sorry for myself.. 

I know tomorrow will be a better day.

Just like Scarlett O'Hara...

I'll just think about this tomorrow!

I love You today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

Thursday, December 18, 2003

I BELIEVE in SANTA..BECAUSE...HE IS!!

Christmas Day is one week away!

I love Christmas Time and I have always believed in Santa!

I asked Peggy this morning if Santa was coming to see her and she said, I think so.

I said, Peggy, I KNOW so!!!!!!!      We laughed!

I'm glad she can still laugh.

Alzheimer's has not taken away her ability for laugher!

I asked her why she believed in Santa and she said, because.....

HE IS!!!!!!!!!!!

I thought that was wonderful!

I also believe in the magic of Santa..because..HE IS!!!!

I sat on Santa's lap last week at Disney World. 

 He asked me what I wanted this year.

I told him that I just wanted my picture taken with him and that I already have everything a person could want!

He smiled.. and said that he didn't hear that often enough. 

Then, He noticed the button that I had pinned to my coat that said...

ON SANTA'S NAUGHTY LIST and......

PROUD OF IT!!!

He squinted his eye and looked me square in the face and said..Oh Yes, Now, I remember you, Young Lady!!!!!!!

We laughed.....

Yes, I believe in Santa because...

HE IS.......How Do I Know????? BECAUSE......

PEGGY.. Told Me So this very Morning!

I love you today, Peggy!

Merry Christmas to My Forever Friend!

Mary Louise

 

 

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

PEGGY, I Caught Tinker Bell for You!

I left last Thursday Morning going to Disney World.  I spent 5 day's with my Daughter, Melissa and my grandchildren,  Michael and Lauren.

 I did not call Peggy while I was at Disney World.  That was a huge decision for me!

 When we were young, our favorite Disney character was Tinker Bell.

We would make up elaborate schemes to catch Tink so that we could make our wish.

The first night that I was there, I stood in front of Cinderella's Castle and watched as Tinker Bell flew from the castle while beautiful fire works exploded over my head.  I also remembered our little girl wish!

I called Peggy this morning and said,  Guess what I did?   She said: What? 

I went to Disney World and I FINALLY caught Tinker Bell and I held her in my hand, Peggy and I made the wish we wished when we were little! 

 I knew that I was Rambling on.. I felt foolish as I thought..Please remember, please remember.

 I said, Remember when we were little girls and talked about catching Tinker Bell and making a wish? 

 No response..She seemed confused and I knew that she didn't remember Tinker Bell or Me!                                 

TIME and MEMORIES have lost their meaning to Peggy and that creates a lonely, empty space in my heart. 

 SO...I WILL JUST THINK that Peggy Missed Me..And..

 I WILL JUST THINK.....  That She Remembers TINKER BELL!

That's what I Need to do, Peggy and That is what I WILL DO this Morning.

I Will Remember Tinker Bell for you and I'm Thankful that I  FINALLY held Tink in my hand and made our long ago wish!  You may not remember our wish but I remember.

Our Little Girl wish was that Mother and Daddy would never die and we would be Together...Forever and Forever!

Somewhere in your mind..  I Know that I am still There and I will be..

FOREVER and FOREVER!

I love you today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

Good Times

You were laughing this morning when you took the phone to talk.

I asked you why you were laughing and you said that Everyone was there and it was a pretty day and you were all having......"GOOD TIMES"!

You went through all the names of the people who were visiting ( in your mind).

Quite a crowd at your house, I said, laughing!

You laughed and said, Yes and we are having Fun and it is a Pretty Day!

I'm always happy when I hear you laugh because I know you are O K... for today.

I remember the "GOOD TIME" we were having when this picture was taken at a party.

We had not seen one another in a year. Only talked on the phone several times a week but never discussed what we were wearing to the party.

We showed up at a birthday party wearing almost the same outfit!!!!!

It was a hoot!

We laughed a lot that night. 

 I remember all of our  "Good Times" and keep them in my heart.

I am thankful that we have laughed and had such fun together during our lives.

Now,  when I get down and miss you too much..... I just close my eyes and bring back the Happy, Good Times that we experienced as Sister's!.

Thank you, Peggy for all the times you made me laugh!

It makes the crying I do now a little less painful and almost tolerable. I say that because we had So many "GOOD TIMES" together. I can remember those days when my heart gets heavy and it feels like it might explode from pain..

You see Peggy, you Continue to take Care of Me and...........................

 You Don't Even Know It!!!!!!!

Thank you for laughing today and making me laugh!

I love you today, Peggy

Mary Louise

 

Tuesday, December 9, 2003

Please Say My Name, Peggy

Peggy hasn't called me by name for over a year.

It really bothers me so when she took the phone and said hello this morning...I said, Peggy, this is MaryLouise. Would you please say my name??? She paused and didn't say anything.

The silence was deafening!!

That's alright, I said.... Don't worry about it!

I know that she couldn't say something that she couldn't remember from the moment before....... but it made my eyes leak and my heart hurt!!!! 

I  felt guilty that I even asked that of her but it would have been the Best Christmas Present ever!

 I would just like to hear her say my name once more.

  It's such a little thing but too difficult for her.. 

Maybe, one day she will surprise me and say ......Hello Mary Louise!

What a joyous day that would be!

What a Great Gift to a Sister who Misses hearing her Sister say her Name!

I love you today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

Monday, December 8, 2003

I Wonder What It Feels Like????????

I wasn't able to write after talking with Peggy this morning. I had to take some time to think and adjust. I am having difficulty getting to know this new Sister. A sister who doesn't remember that we are sister's! A sister that doesn't remember Me!

 I  have so many unanswered questions.

 I wish that Peggy could answer my questions because I would like to know how she feels.

I try not to project my feeling on her because I know that My feeling are contaminated with Today, Yesterday and Tomorrow.

 Peggy's Yesterday's and tomorrow's have been erased from her mind!

I just wonder what it feels like to Not Know.. Familiar people and things.

To Just BE...  To know only Now. 

 Peggy is very calm and happy. She seems at Peace living in the Now and that gives Me some peace in my cluttered life of Yestersay's, Today's and Tomorrow's.

She doesn't remember the Hurts of her past nor does she have any fear of her future.

Even though some things about her are the same... Peggy is just not Peggy any longer. She is not the sister that I grew up with and  knew very well. 

I am having to meet and adjust to a new Peggy everyday.

 A Peggy that experiences neither Highs or Lows....... She has No expectations, No Anticipation, No Passion.

I wonder if  this new Peggy can still feel Joy...Or even experience Sorrow? 

 Peggy has taught me many things by having Alzheimer's Disease.

 She has taught me to live in the present and not wander in the past and future for too long at a time!

Who would have thought that Peggy's Disease would teach me such a valuable lesson!

 I am very thankful  that Peggy can still laugh and smile even though she can't remember!

What a Beautiful Person..What a Beautiful Smile! I will alway's remember YOU!

 I love you today, Peggy!!!!

Mary Louise

Saturday, December 6, 2003

HELLO OR GOODBYE TO PEGGY?????????

Dear Peggy,

These pictures could be saying Different Things To You and To Us!

Are we telling You Hello or Goodbye??????

We, your Sister's, Betty, Barbara and MaryLouise are simply saying To You ...Peggy............................

SO LONG.....

We love you, We are all missing you as You Disappear each Day!

We will never say Goodbye To You...Because You Are Our Sister...Our Forever Friend!  We will only say......

 SO LONG... PEGGY, Until We Meet Again....

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

Friday, December 5, 2003

The Emotional Roller Coaster called Alzheimer's

Yesterday, I was adjusting my sails.  After talking with Peggy this morning....

I have noticed that my Sails have huge, gaping holes today!!!

I miss her so and it hurts to get nothing back from her. No recognition of my voice, no emotion, nothing. I handle this fine on most day's because I expect it.

This morning was different. I was feeling melancholy and I needed something back from her and she could not give it to me. I know that she cannot give anything to me in my Head but my Heart has never received the message. I found myself wanting to scream into the phone...WAKE UP!!!! STOP THIS..

I thought of what a person can do if someone is dazed or disorented. They slap their faces to bring them back to reality.

That's how I felt this morning. I wanted to reach through the phone and slap Peggy's face and say...OK, ENOUGH PEGGY...THIS IS NOT FUNNY ANY LONGER!!!!

 Instead, I talked, she answered with My words. I hung up and just sat there with the phone in my hand. I looked at the lights on our beautiful Christmas Tree and said a special prayer for Peggy.

This is a cruel disease for the person who has it but I think that it is much worse for the people who are loving them through it. Like I said yesterday..Peggy doesn't know that she doesn't know but I KNOW and I remember our relationship.

 It is strange when the person you love is still present. You see them, they look the same in most way's, you hear their voice and it sounds the same, you know who They are but they are not sure who You are!

At least, when a person dies and is gone, you can grieve and let go with time.   Peggy is Living a death and I am apart of every day and I know that it could go on for years..

This is not a good day for a Sister who loves a Sister that is dying while she is living.

I just take it one day at a time on this Emotional Roller Coaster called Alzheimer's Disease.

I love you today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

Thursday, December 4, 2003

I'm Adjusting My Sails!

I called Peggy this morning and it was clear that she had No idea who she was talking too. It was a short exchange of words and I hung up and just held the phone for awhile to get my composure.

I thought of something that my Daddy said to me years ago. We have always referred to his words of wisdom as "DADDYISMS".

He said; MaryLouise, You can't control the wind... SO,You will have to Adjust your Sails!

I know that phrase has been said before but those words coming from My Daddy made them sink into my heart that day.

I have been Adjusting my sails today as I thought of Peggy and our different phone conservations of the past two years. I have observed her deterioration with every call.

I cannot change what is happening to her.... I have tried!

So, it's time for me to adjust and accept the way she is and will be in the future.

I cannot control this event in my life but I am trying to control my reactions to it.

It is no easy task but there is some comfort even in discomfort.

I say that because Peggy doesn't KNOW that she doesn't KNOW!

That is a comfort to me.

H. G. Wells said; "The past is but the beginning of a beginning".

Peggy Began her journey home Two Years ago and I will walk with her every step of the way!

I love you today, Peggy!

MaryLouise

Wednesday, December 3, 2003

Feeling You Close to me as You Disappear.............

Peggy,          I wish that I knew why you developed Alzheimer's Disease.   It makes me angry and afraid!  Angry that I am losing you and Afraid that I too, will eventually develope the disease.  I considered  taking the test to determine if I carried the gene. I decided against it. I learned that even if a person carries the gene, they may not develope the disease. My mind wanders there if I forget something or have trouble recalling a word or name. When I talk with you each day, I must remind myself not to say, Do you remember when we....you don't remember our times together. sniff...sniff...I am recalling today the day's we spent at the beach a few years ago. We had such a fun time together. Lifeand fate made you my sister but you are more than that. You're My Forever Friend because of the beauty inside of you  No one will ever understand me and stand by me quite the same way that you have. Forever Sisters, Forever Friends!    I love you Today, Peggy                                                                           MaryLouise

Tuesday, December 2, 2003

Love You...Mean It! Our Sign!

I talked with Peggy's sitter this morning before I talked to her..She handed Peggy the phone and said: It's MaryLouise....

(Peggy)Hello

(ML) Good Morning! How are you today?

(P) Good.

(ML) Who is visiting today?  (She has people that visit her in her mind).

(P) Barbara is here.            (Barbara is in Atlanta)

I needed to know if she knew who she was talking to so I said,

What about Mary Louise? Does she ever come to visit?

(P) Yes, I think she is coming with Barbara today or yesterday.

She didn't know it was me on the phone!!!!!

I wish that I had not asked now.

The conservation ended with...

(ML) I love you today, Peggy.

(P) O K..Bye

I am wondering  this morning if my calls mean anything to her at all because I am just a stranger on the phone!

Wow...That realization hurts to my bones.

We used to make a square with our fingers that meant.....

LOVE YOU>>>MEAN IT!

We used the sign anytime we were in a situation where we couldn't talk.

It started when we were little girls.

We could break each other up with the SIGN. One of us would look up and see "The Sign" and it would immediately cause laughter especially in church or other serious situations where QUIET was the rule!

The last time that Peggy used "THE SIGN" was in the B'ham airport a few years ago. I was leaving to fly back home after a visit.

I looked out of the planes window and saw Peggy in the window of the airport making "The Sign" as the plane taxied away!

I made the sign back and smiled!

Today, When I hung up the phone, I  thought.

Peggy has forgotten "OUR SIGN" TOO!

And so...

I am being erased from Peggy's memory a little more every day.

I'm glad that I can remember everything.......For her!

I love you today!

I'm making a square with my fingers........Peggy.

LOVE YOU.....MEAN IT!!!!!!!

MaryLouise

Monday, December 1, 2003

Peggy and Christmas

Christmas was always Peggy's favorite time of the year. It is mine too!

This morning Peggy was quite and just repeated what I said except for one thing.

I asked; Are you getting ready for Christmas?

Her reply was..I don't know..

My heart crunched because we always had such fun at Christmas.

I remember the Christmas that  Peggy sent me the same coffee cup that I sent to her. The words on the cup were...My Sister..My Forever Friend. We laughed about it.

 I still drink my morning coffee from that cup.I asked Peggy once if she still drank coffee from her  Sister's cup and she said; What Cup.....She didn't remember it..... 

I remember the time all 4 of us met in Atlanta to celebrate our Uncles 80th birthday.

Peggy and I had not discussed what we were wearing to the party and showed up in the SAME outfit. We laughed until we cried!

We started a Christmas tradition years ago that included  just "The Sister's".

We would buy 3 gifts every month, wrap them and send the boxes to one another for Christmas. It was great to recieve three boxes every Christmas with 36 surprise gifts. The gifts were not expensive and often funny or sentimental.

 Someone would always get the Famous Needlework Chicken as a gift. 

That Chicken was So ugly..... Sometimes, someone would sew a stitch or two and put it away to send to A Special Sister the next year.  It was always a surprise to open a gift and find it. 

Getting "THE CHICKEN" for Christmas would make the receiver double over in laughter. It is funny how we always forgot about that chicken during the year.... until it came calling at Christmas. 

Peggy, I am so sad that you have forgotten Christmas along with all the other memories that we share.

Alzheimer's Disease is a thief that is stealing a little more of you every day.

I will stay cose to you so you will never be completely...  Lost.

 I will always remember you!

We are "Circling the wagons"  this Christmas around the Sister that we all love so much!

I Love You, Today.... Peggy!

Love,

Mary Louise

Saturday, November 29, 2003

No One is Home

I'm listening to the christmas song, Please, Celebrate me Home by Kenny Loggins.

When I saw this picture, I remembered the times that we were celebrated Home for Christmas!

What a wonderful time we had together the Christmas of this picture.

I found the courage and the strength to call Peggy yesterday afternoon.

The voice mail picked up and I have to say that I was relieved.

 I needed a day for myself.

 A day not to feel Sad when I heard Peggy's voice.

A day that I didn't hear her struggle with words and try to put sentences together.

I usually don't call on Saturday or Sunday but I felt the need to call this morning.

To make the connection that I missed yesterday.

Again, voice mail...

I experience a broad range of feelings from relief to lonely sadness.

I missed you today, Peggy!

I missed our talk.

The content of our conversations never mattered..It is hearing your voice and remembering the times we celebrated Home!

I was given a glimsp into my future... A future without you in my life, a future without hearing your voice every day.

I cried today because I didn't hear The home in your voice..You were not there and It is a fact of our future as Sister's.

Yesterday, I was relieved that I didn't talk to you and Today...

I cried because I can't talk to you.

I cry because I know that this is our future as Sister's.

Like I said; I have a broad range of emotion on this snowy morning in Ohio. Listening to Christmas music and decorating for Christmas.

I stopped to write because I heard the song...Please, Celebrate me Home and I thought of you, Peggy.

I thought of a future when we won't be the Fab 4 any longer but the Fab 3!

I thought of the day when you will Truely be Celebrated Home!

What a great home coming for you.. but....

 HOW VERY SAD for the FAB 3 who will be left behind to grieve the loss of a cherished, funny, beautiful, strong sister.

You're going home, Peggy... AND

Betty, Barbara and I send our love as we...

CELEBRATE YOU HOME! 

Love,    Mary Louise

 

Friday, November 28, 2003

Making the Call to "My Stranger"

We had a big day yesterday! 

 Our two daughter's and their husbands and all 7 of our grandchildren were with us for Thanksgiving! 

The children were running, laughing and having a ball. I enjoyed hearing the sounds of  their fun, laughter and excitement.

 We always give a Thanksgiving-Christmas present at the end of the meal to each child.

This year, it was a Santa cup to use all of December. They liked the cups and always look forward to getting their T-C gift on Thanksgiving night!!!

We then go to the room where we have the Christmas Tree. They count to 3 and magically the tree lights come on to ...Wow, awesome and ...it's magic!

Then, we all go outside and count to 5 and as if by magic....all the Christmas lights in the yard come on. The children are amazed every year.

The adults are pretty amazed too! Even John and me! (smile).

This tradition started when our three children were small and we have continued it with our Grandchildren. It is a good tradition.

The look on all of their faces when the lights come on is special and I keep it in my heart to remember on a cloudy day when my heart is heavy thinking of Peggy.

 The sounds of  the laughter yesterday still echos in the house today.

I think that happy sounds take their place in the walls and stay around for a long while!!!

I called Peggy  yesterday to tell her, Happy Thanksgiving. 

She said Happy Thanksgiving back but there was no emotion in her words.

That always hurts me even though I try to keep my guard up.

Some day's, like today, I Need to Take Care of Myself Peggy and 

talk with you later in the day... when my Courage is higher and.....

My heart can take talking to "My Stranger"!!!

We will talk but Not right now...I need to hear the happy sounds from the walls and enjoy the memories of yesterday a little while longer.

I send love to you, Today.....  My Sister, My forever Friend, My Stranger..

My call Will come because I love and care for you.

 But Later...... When I am Stronger.......

Mary Louise

 

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

Wondering in Times..Not our Own

Our talks were short yesterday and today. You did not have much to say..

Neither did I.

 Some calls are like talking with a stranger.

Not much on your mind except that it was A Pretty Day Outside!

You are compeletely in the present!  No Yesterday's....No Tomorrows...

Only Today!

There must be comfort in being totally in the present. 

Who would have thought that this Awful Disease called Alzheimer's would contain a gift!!!!! The gift of enjoying the Present!

Not rambling around in the past or worring about the future.

Just enjoying the pretty day outside!

This weekend, I heard a quote from a German Theologian of the last century, Helmut Thielicke.  It had a pro-found impact on the way that I am going  think from now on.

Helmut Thielicke once characterized our tendency to live in the past or future instead of the Present.

The tendency that we all have for "Wondering in Times Not Our Own".

I have been doing this very thing. Thinking about the past...Worring about the future. Will I get Alzheimer's too?

So today...

I am going to live in the present and enjoy The Pretty Day Outside!

Thank you, Peggy for reminding me that Today is such A Pretty Day!

I was preparing for tomorrow and  lost in yesterday.

 

Thank You for helping me to stay in the present and stop some of my ramblings in the past and future.

I won't say goodbye to you today, Peggy...

It's just TOO PRETTY OUTSIDE!!

Friday, November 21, 2003

Going Backward through Time!

 I talked to Peggy today and after I hung up the phone, I thought that her age now, today anyway, must be around 3 or 4 years old.

She used one word sentences and struggled to put thoughts and words together.

She is still trying to sound normal and she hasn't given up!

A real fighter...Always has been.

 But she is in Fact...Going Backward in Time.

She started this process called Alzheimer's as an adult and will decend through time and become a helpless baby.

She will forget how to eat and even forget how to breathe.

She is on a journey that will take her back to our Mother's arms.

The picture of us together and Peggy in Mother's arms ( 4th picture) is one of my favorite pictures.

Now, it is a great comfort to me as I see her losing ground so fast.

 One Thing That I Am Certain About is This........

I know when Peggy reaches her distination....

She will be safe in God's Presence and Our Mothers Arms!

Just like in the picture taken so long ago.

Another day of saying goodbye to My Sister...My Forever Friend!

Mary Louise

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

Missing Snodgrass!

I woke up this morning to a cold, grey day in Ohio.

I am feeling down and sad. Not a clue why but here I am all Teary and Lonely.

My first thought was to call Peggy because on a day like today, we would always talk and she could make me laugh especially when she would get in her SNODGRASS  Mode and the day didn't seem so bad.

The name Snodgrass was given to Peggy on her 13th birthday by Betty Jean, Barbara and me.

We had the name SNODGRASS put on her birthday cake in Big letters as a joke.

From then on..when we wanted her to laugh, we called her Snodgrass!

Yesterday and today, when I called... you haven't wanted to talk to me, Peggy. 

You couldn't wait to hang up the phone. I try real hard not to take it personally.

I want to get in your mind and understand why your days are so different.

Maybe, you didn't know who I was today and you didn't want to talk to a stranger.

I  feel Shut Out and though I try not to Need anything from you ..I still Do!

I really miss you, Snodgrass...Especially today when I'm feeling so low. 

I also am angry with you, Peggy. How dare you go away and leave us like this!

How dare you break up the Fab 4.

Deep breath.......I know, Peggy that it is not your fault.  I just miss you so much today that it hurts. I miss the Snodgrass in you that could make me laugh.

I don't want you to tell me goodbye..and I struggle with that daily!

This is another Very Sad day in this Long Goodbye.

Maybe, tomorrow you will be better!!!!

Maybe, Tomorrow a cure will be found!

Maybe tomorrow, you will know me.

 Maybe tomorrow... Maybe Tomorrow.....   Maybe Tomorrow.......

Missing Snodgrass Today!

 Missing my Sister, My Forever Friend!

ML

Monday, November 17, 2003

The Magic Hickory Stick

November 17, 2003

A call that made ME remember!

Some times a call to you makes me laugh and not cry!  

Today was one of those day's!

You were in a very good mood,  giggling and wispering. Just like when we were little girls!

I said, I love you today, Peggy.

 I love you too; you said.

Then, giggling you said; Barbara is here and she poopied in her pants!!

 You were laughing so hard that it made me laugh too. This time the tears that ran down my face were from hearing you laugh again!

The sound of your laughter made me think of being little girls and about

"Our Magic Hickory Stick".

We ruled the world with our magic stick that we tied with ribbons.

A touch of that stick could grant any wish, take us anywhere in the world and cure anything from stomachaches, scrathes,cuts, headaches  and even soften the mean words from the girl down the street that made you cry.

 It was also our scepter when we crowned one another,Miss America. 

The Hickory Stick brought happy, carefree day's pretending that we were powerful!

Today, hearing you laugh like a child again, I longed for that Magic Stick! 

If I had it Peggy, I could touch your forehead and make you whole again.

I could be powerful and bring you back!

It was nice to have you back for a little while this morning.To hear you giggle and laugh.

Thank You, Peggy... for helping Me remember a stick that I had forgotten about long ago...

Don't worry baby sister.

I will alway's REMEMBER everything for the BOTH of us!

Your memories will alway's stay safe with me!

Know Why?

Because Peggy, 

I Promise You.....

On OUR HICKORY STICK!!!!!

Another day of saying goodbye.

I cherish these calls because I know a day will come when you will not be able to talk any longer.

 A day when I won't be priviledged to hear your voice or your laughter ever again.

Today, I was able to hear you as You Slowly tell me....Goodbye..

Your Long Goodbye to me continues every day.

I Love you Peggy...My Sister, My  Forever friend.

Mary Louise

 

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

The Way We Were!

I wanted you all to see Peggy.

The Peggy we knew and loved.

We had such fun on our sister trips and we miss her so very much!

ML

I Heard HOME one more time Nov. 12th, 2003

We took our Sister's trip again this year without Peggy.

Peggy, YOU WERE MISSED! All of us miss you every single minute of every day!!!!!!!!!!!!

This morning ( 11-!2-03) you seemed glad to hear from me. There was a lilt in your voice. But...You just repeated anything that I said to you.

I keep trying to draw you out. Sometimes it works...sometimes, it doesn't.

You seemed more scattered at the beginning of our conversation but rallied toward the end.

You said that Melodie bought a big, new car all by herself. That you were proud of her.

You said you wished to see Darlene some time. That Brooke had been there and gone to B_Care. That it was O K because Aunt Louise was there. ( that's Me).

You mentioned that your hair was silky and that you liked it that way.

You laughed at my saying, why can't I have silky hair like you? You said because I'm the Only One with silky, shiny hair here!

I like to hear you laugh because it sounds like old times for a few seconds and I can pretend you are still You and nothing has changed.

There is a new drug available in January that seems to help. Meeninteen (sp). It sounds hopeful and I hope you can take it and come back to us even if it is only for a Short Visit. I'D take a minute with the old you!

I said; I love you today, P J.

 You said; I love you too. You never say my name anymore and that bothers me. I want to hear you say my name. Silly, I guess.

 I said; does my calling every day get on your nerves?

You replied with emotion; NO, Please call. I like it when you call. My nerves are good when you call.

I love you so much Peggy but I Hurt Inside because You're so far away in Mind and Distance.

Your voice is still strong and it makes me feel like I've heard HOME...One More Time! I'm not sure how long it will last but hearing home is a good thing for me.

We have shared a lot of secrets over the years and I miss having that security with you.

I have to laugh when I think...it is really great that you Don't remember My shared secrets!!! (smile)!

Another phone call on this rainy day from Ohio to Alabama.

 Another day to say Goodbye!

 In This Long Goodbye to my Sister....My Forever Friend.

ML

Friday, November 7, 2003

Amazing Grace

Friday, November 7th, 2003

Yesterday and today Peggy was laughing and happy. I just couldn't write yesterday.

Today, she said her hair was silky and shiney.

I was asking her a question when she brust into song!

She sang, Amazing Grace over and over!

When I complimented her she would start again.

 I asked her if I could sing it with her because we used to sing together when we were young. She agreed and together, we sang those powerful words over and over, while tears ran down my face.

I just couldn't sing any more so I just held the phone, listened to her sing the words and cried!

Then all of a sudden she said, Mother and Daddy are going to take me home and she started Amazing Grace again.

Mother died in '82 and Daddy in '94!

She was happy and that is what I tried to hold to while she sang.

Yesterday and today were difficult calls  but I'm  thankful that she is happy.

I try to focus on her happy mood and not the empty, sad  hole in my heart as I continue to be a daily part of my sister's decent into darkness.

Another day gone in this Long Goodbye.

ML

Wednesday, November 5, 2003

P J,Where are You??

You were not interested in talking today.

You seemed nervous and ended your one word sentences with..Yeah,Yeah,Yeah.

I  want to reach you one more time but hope is running out.

I'm just not as powerful as I would like to be.

 I was older than you and took on the task of Protector of Peggy. I can't protect you like I could when we were children

I keep having the same dream. I see you running towards me. You are crying very hard.

I hate this dream because you are behind a huge plate glass that I can't get over, under, around or through.

You reach the plate glass and look at me with terror in your eyes.

You have your hands pressed on the glass, you are crying but I can't hear you.  I see your mouth screaming..Louise, Louise, HELP ME! HELP ME!

I keep thinking that if I call every day...maybe one day you will know me and I can help you.

I know that my wish will not come true as I Watch you Disappear in this Long Goodbye.

I love you, P J.  I miss you so.

ML

Tuesday, November 4, 2003

I've Lost Me!

Peggy said something today that gave me chills and made me cry.

She said...I lost Me!

I asked her how she was and if she was going anywhere today ( her sitter takes her out every afternoon).

She said, I don't know...I don't know!!!

I assured her that it was O K and not to worry.

She said, all the babies were there and Barbara ( sister who lives in Atlanta ).

Barbara is not there and I knew it.

I  told her that I loved her today and she said, I know and I love you too.

Then she said, I can't go anywhere.

 I said why Not, Peggy?

She replied...I can't go anywhere because I HAVE LOST ME!!!!!

The Long Goodbye to my Sister, my Friend continues every day!

ML

Thursday, October 30, 2003

The Long Goodbye

P. J. ( left) is dying from Alzheimer's Disease.

We were always very close.

It is so very hard to see her disappearing before my eyes.

I call her every morning and have since she was diagnosed 2 years ago.

She is slipping away fast and now calls me "Aunt Louise."

I struggle with losing her.

I miss her more than I can write.

Only people who have experienced this living death can understand what I am feeling.

I am saying goodbye to her every day and I always say before I hang up...I Love you, Today P. J and she will say...I love you too but can't remember my name any more.

I love you P J...My Sister...My Friend!