I talked with Peggy this morning and felt numb when I hung up the phone.
She answered everything that I asked but with the words that I had just said.
It was a difficult call.
Very strained and a lot of silences.
I really didn't feel like calling today and pushed myself to do it anyway.
I don't feel that I can ask her questions because she can't think of the words to say and gets nervous and searches for words that will not come. I think it makes me more uncomfortable than it makes her.
So, I chatter away knowing that she doesn't even know who is on the other end of the phone.
I wanted to yell, It's ME, Peggy! It's Mary Louise but that wouldn't help her and it would only hurt me more when she couldn't respond.
Another day of saying Goodbye to Peggy.
It's interesting that on some day's calls like this do not bother me at all. BUT..
On a day when my spirits are low and I don't feel well, It does and it did today. The strained conversation made me tired.
I tried to write in my journal all day but nothing would come until now.
She did seem happy as she does on most day's.
I'm thankful for that but I'm aware that today, that I am very sad and I miss Peggy.
I needed to talk and have her listen and reassure...Like Old Times.
I miss the Peggy that I could talk with and share the sadness that I am feeling about missing Mother and Daddy.
What I needed today was the Sister Mothering that we gave to one another.
Some day's are like that.... I hang up the phone and feel a huge void and feel pretty sorry for myself..
I know tomorrow will be a better day.
Just like Scarlett O'Hara...
I'll just think about this tomorrow!
I love You today, Peggy!