Friday, December 19, 2003


I talked with Peggy this morning and felt numb when I hung up the phone.

She answered everything that I asked but with the words that I had just said.

It was a difficult call.

Very strained and a lot of silences.

I really didn't feel like calling today and pushed myself to do it anyway.

 I don't feel that I can ask her questions because she can't think of the words to say and gets nervous and searches for words that will not come. I think it makes me more uncomfortable than it makes her.

So, I chatter away knowing that she doesn't even know who is on the other end of the phone.

I wanted to yell, It's ME, Peggy! It's Mary Louise but that wouldn't help her and it would only hurt me more when she couldn't respond.

Another day of saying Goodbye to Peggy.

It's interesting that on some day's calls like this do not bother me at all.  BUT..

On a day when my spirits are low and I don't feel well, It does and it did today. The strained conversation made me tired.

I tried to write in my journal all day but nothing would come until now.

She did seem happy as she does on most day's.

I'm thankful for that but I'm aware that today, that I am very sad and I miss Peggy.

 I needed to talk and have her listen and reassure...Like Old Times.

 I miss the Peggy that I could talk with and share the sadness that I am feeling about missing Mother and Daddy. 

What I  needed today was the Sister Mothering that we gave to one another.

Some day's are like that.... I hang up the phone and feel a huge void and feel pretty sorry for myself.. 

I know tomorrow will be a better day.

Just like Scarlett O'Hara...

I'll just think about this tomorrow!

I love You today, Peggy!

Mary Louise


tearsforareason said...

dear mary louise,

do you pray? on the days when you are filled with sadness, and you don't think anyone else will hear, do you know that you can tell your Heavenly Father your sorrows? do you know that He will listen?

i was frustrated tonight and i got online to connect with someone, anyone. i happened across your journal, and it occurs to me, that i need to pray too. there is pain in this world, but there is also the joy that comes from listening to others and lifting them up.

tearsforareason said...


thanks for a beautiful story, and for the love that you give to your sister, even on the days when you don't know if she hears. your Heavenly Father hears.

"for as ye have done it unto the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me."

your love is not given in vain. i can feel it, and i don't even know you.