Yesterday, I was adjusting my sails. After talking with Peggy this morning....
I have noticed that my Sails have huge, gaping holes today!!!
I miss her so and it hurts to get nothing back from her. No recognition of my voice, no emotion, nothing. I handle this fine on most day's because I expect it.
This morning was different. I was feeling melancholy and I needed something back from her and she could not give it to me. I know that she cannot give anything to me in my Head but my Heart has never received the message. I found myself wanting to scream into the phone...WAKE UP!!!! STOP THIS..
I thought of what a person can do if someone is dazed or disorented. They slap their faces to bring them back to reality.
That's how I felt this morning. I wanted to reach through the phone and slap Peggy's face and say...OK, ENOUGH PEGGY...THIS IS NOT FUNNY ANY LONGER!!!!
Instead, I talked, she answered with My words. I hung up and just sat there with the phone in my hand. I looked at the lights on our beautiful Christmas Tree and said a special prayer for Peggy.
This is a cruel disease for the person who has it but I think that it is much worse for the people who are loving them through it. Like I said yesterday..Peggy doesn't know that she doesn't know but I KNOW and I remember our relationship.
It is strange when the person you love is still present. You see them, they look the same in most way's, you hear their voice and it sounds the same, you know who They are but they are not sure who You are!
At least, when a person dies and is gone, you can grieve and let go with time. Peggy is Living a death and I am apart of every day and I know that it could go on for years..
This is not a good day for a Sister who loves a Sister that is dying while she is living.
I just take it one day at a time on this Emotional Roller Coaster called Alzheimer's Disease.
I love you today, Peggy!