Yesterday, I was adjusting my sails. After talking with Peggy this morning....
I have noticed that my Sails have huge, gaping holes today!!!
I miss her so and it hurts to get nothing back from her. No recognition of my voice, no emotion, nothing. I handle this fine on most day's because I expect it.
This morning was different. I was feeling melancholy and I needed something back from her and she could not give it to me. I know that she cannot give anything to me in my Head but my Heart has never received the message. I found myself wanting to scream into the phone...WAKE UP!!!! STOP THIS..
I thought of what a person can do if someone is dazed or disorented. They slap their faces to bring them back to reality.
That's how I felt this morning. I wanted to reach through the phone and slap Peggy's face and say...OK, ENOUGH PEGGY...THIS IS NOT FUNNY ANY LONGER!!!!
Instead, I talked, she answered with My words. I hung up and just sat there with the phone in my hand. I looked at the lights on our beautiful Christmas Tree and said a special prayer for Peggy.
This is a cruel disease for the person who has it but I think that it is much worse for the people who are loving them through it. Like I said yesterday..Peggy doesn't know that she doesn't know but I KNOW and I remember our relationship.
It is strange when the person you love is still present. You see them, they look the same in most way's, you hear their voice and it sounds the same, you know who They are but they are not sure who You are!
At least, when a person dies and is gone, you can grieve and let go with time. Peggy is Living a death and I am apart of every day and I know that it could go on for years..
This is not a good day for a Sister who loves a Sister that is dying while she is living.
I just take it one day at a time on this Emotional Roller Coaster called Alzheimer's Disease.
I love you today, Peggy!
Mary Louise
5 comments:
Your writings about Peggy are so poignant. You express yourself in a painfully eloquent manner. You are descriptive but not hard to read. I suspect that some would experience your writing as too painful to follow but that is not my feeling nor conclusion.
Your pain is obvious but it isn't off putting. I never fear being pulled into your suffering and I don't worry about getting blood on my hands if I get too close. I do feel invited into your process and I am honored at that invitation. I bet there are also many others out there who feel the sam way. Thanks for making yourself and your experience with this so available. I love you and I'm proud of you. --John
Hello Mary Louise, It is so clear to me how you must feel. I know I can't totally know unless I walk in your shoes, but when I read what you write, I somehow see into it better. For instance, how you explain that it is like someone is already gone but you still see them and hear them. I know that must be the most difficult thing. You are so strong, Mary Louise. Hang in there. And thank you for sharing.
Keep your chin up. Smile as god deals people odd tacks to handle in life.
Actually Mary Louise though I grieved for my lil sis throught her cancer journey I had such a hard time dealing with it the morning she passed away. When I came home that night I had an experience like I have never had before. She came to comfort me and I glided on the wings of an angel, it was awesome! She has blessed me with her presence on several occasions and I have thanked her. She remains with me in spirit and when I need her she walks beside me and leads me through my roughest of days. She lives on in my heart and always will. I hope that you are blessed to have many experiences such as I have had because your sister lives on in your heart.
Debbie
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