Friday, January 30, 2004

Funny Lady...Peggy!

Peggy always had a great sense of humor. She could get a smile and laugh from me  when I thought there was no humor left in my body. She would get so involved in telling a story and get so tickled that she couldn't get the words out. That would make me laugh harder and we would end up laughing until our sides hurt and the story never got told!

She had a certain way of looking and tossing her head when she was recounting a funny story.   I miss that side of her.

I miss hearing all the jokes and stories she would tell.

Once, she told me about a friend who always took a red marker with her when she went shopping. This friend would buy something and when she got to her car with her grand purchase..she would mark through the origional price with her red marker and replace it with a RED 50% off price! 

Another friend went to visit her gynecologist. She rushed to the rest room before she was called into his office. There was no tissue to finish her job so she searched her purse and found a tiny bit of tissue. She then went into his office for her yearly check-up. She put on the paper gown and was ready for the Doctor to come in and check her. Her Doctor sat at the end of the table and started roaring with laughter. She knew him well and asked why he was laughing. He said, I didn't realize that they were giving saving stamps with this!!!! Saving stamps were on the other side of the tiny bit of tissue she had used!! 

 I really miss hearing Peggy's stories.

I miss her humor, I miss her laughter, I miss her smile. I miss her enthusiasm for life.

I miss Peggy....... I miss The Funny Lady that she was...

I'm glad that I can remember all her stories and still smile and laugh. The Peggy, that all of us knew will never really leave our lives and memories. She will live on in our smiles as we Remember.... Peggy, Our Funny Lady!

I love you and miss you today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

Thursday, January 29, 2004

The Seasons of Alzheimer's Disease

I think that Alzheimer's Disease has  four definite Seasons.

Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter.

Springtime, where there is forgetting but not very unusual, so it is dismissed.

Then  Summer of Alzheimer's arrives. This is a season when the forgetting gets worse and there is fear because the person knows that something is wrong but batteries of tests show nothing... Seizures can occure along with other physical symptoms. Attention tends to stray. Simple calculations become impossible and ordinary daily activities grow increasingly difficult.

Then Fall comes to the brain. It is a season of mood swings. Out bursts of anger, bouts of fearfulness and periods of lack of emotion, indifference and listlessness. I think this is the season that Peggy is experiencing.

Then, the Winter of Alzheimer's Disease comes and  the person tends to get increasingly disoriented and may wander off and become lost. Physical problems, such as an odd gait or loss of coordination, gradually develop. In this Winter Season, the person may become unable to communicate, physically helpless and incontinent.   Then... We, who love, wait for the "Winter of The Mind" to take Peggy away in it's icy grip.

It is snowing outside as I write. The snow is beautiful as it covers all the brown, deadness of winter. It rains down and coats the landscape beautifully in a fluffy, white blanket.

Peggy has been enduring the seasons of Alzheimer's.. The winter of her mind is coming! Alzheimer's is raining down a cold snow on her brain. Would, that I had the power to go inside her head with snow shovels and salt. Then, I could melt the winter snow from her mind. Sad... that I am not that powerful on this winter day. I  have to watch her disappear in a massive snow drift and there is nothing that I can do to melt the winter from her mind. She is moving through the seasons with frightful speed.

Winter is coming and none of us are ready for the snow fall that will take her away. All we can do is stand close to her and try to keep her warm as she disappears in the deep snows of Alzheimer's.

I love you today, Peggy!      Mary Louise

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

Looking Over My Shoulder

 I think that Alzheimer's Disease may be harder on those around the Loved one who has it.  We deal with seeing the person we love, lose all memory of our life together. We deal with our own fears that we too, will develope the disease. 

I talked with a physician friend of mine about having the test that would tell me, for sure, if I am carrying the Alzheimers Gene. We talked at length and he said that would set up the test for me if... that is really what I  wanted.                          He asked me an interesting question. What would you do different if you knew that you carried the gene?  I couldn't think of anything, then he said,why have the test and be constantly.. looking over your shoulder?  Even if you carry the gene, you may never develope the disease but you would carry a fear of something that may or may not happen in your future.  Then, I thought of Peggy and her ability to live totally in the present. That is what I am trying to do with my life..Gene or No Gene.  I refuse to constantly Look over my Shoulder to see if the Alzheimer's monster is gaining on me. I must admit that I get a bit tense if I forget a name or can't recall something quickly enough. That is normal for anyone but when you have the Alzheimers monster learking takes on a whole new meaning. So, I write. Just in case, one day, I am tapped on the shoulder and turn around to stare Alzheimers Disease in the face. If it ever happens...I will stare it down and laugh because I will have won the battle. I am living my life for today and not for some monster that may be in my future.

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well perserved body...But Rather.. Skid in Broadside, Throughly Used Up, Totally Worn Out and Loudly Proclaiming

WOW......WHAT A RIDE!            (unknown)

I love you today, Peggy!        Mary Louise

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

My Sisters...My Friends

We have so many wonderful Sisters Weeks to recall. So much fun together!

People ask us...How do you all stay together for 7 day's and not kill one another?    We are all very different but bonded in a special way. We give our parents the credit for our bond. They treated us as individuals and never compared us or our accomplishments against one other. We were "who we were" to them....BettyJean, Barbara, MaryLouise, Peggy and Johnny. We were each gifted in different area's. We were praised for our differences and encouraged to support one another in any thing that we tried. If something, good or bad happened to One Of Us...It happened to ALL of Us!

We were each other's biggest cheerleaders in our growing up times and continue to cheerlead now. Again, our parents deserve the credit for our continued close bond. Mother would say...Remember that blood is thicker than water. Take up for one another, you are sister's, if you don't take up for each other..who will? Remember Your "Colley Pride!" Don't be some boy's proving ground! Do your best. Remember, Who you are! Have Pride in yourself!  Our Daddy gave us this bit of wisdom. Anything you do...Do it well. Even if it's digging a ditch..You dig the Best Damn Ditch that has Ever been Dug! AND...Don't take no *&##! from Anybody!  I wasn't going to add this last advice but feel it is necessary and great advice.

Not to say that we didn't or don't get angry at one another..We do but we were taught to..Think...Say and "Get Over It" ( Barbara's favorite line)! We may not alway's like one another but we will ALWAY's Love One Another!

We have some great stories from our Sisters Weeks like...Putting copies of my sister's pictures in every frame in The BomBay Company at our mall! I will tell you some great stories on another day.

Here's to "The Ross Girls!"  The Fab 4!  Here's to our Parent's,our Families, our Friends!

Here's to a life remembered and a life continuing where "The Ross Gurls" will always be there for one another!

Here's to Peggy!!!!!!We miss you but we have great memories to hold on to forever!


I love each of you, Today!   Mary Louise

Monday, January 26, 2004

Using Life Experiences to Understand Alzheimer's.

The most unsettling part of a move to a new place is what I call "The In-Between."

Possessions have been packed, furniture loaded and I am standing in an empty room. Standing in this place, I feel the most vunerable and lonely. I have no home where I stand and no home where I am going! There is emptiness around me but I can hear  the walls recalling times spent in this room. The Christmases, birthdays, fun times and sad times. These walls hold the echoes of my past. I look around one last time, walk to the door and close it. I feel a mixture of sadness and excitement and a touch of uncertainity as I lock the door and walk away.  

Maybe, Alzheimer's has a blessing tucked in the viciousness of it's empty rooms. I felt the blessing this morning, when I heard Peggy's voice. She was calm and happy. She expresses no fear as the rooms of her mind are being emptied. She doesn't appear to be troubled by " The In-Between." places like I am.

She lives in the rooms of her mind and accepts what is happening to her. She is totally in the moment and isn't bothered by the In-between places of life.

 In Peggy's case, Alzheimer's doesn't appear to have In-between places.  There is no Past to haunt or to warm. There is no uncertainity about the Future. There is only Now, this hour, this moment in time. Peggy seems to have no worries or hesitation about moving to the next stage of her journey. She has nothing surrounding her but the warmth of the present. Her rooms have no past, no future. Empty is not real..         "In-Between." does Not exist.

As I stand in the empty rooms of my mind, I continue to learn from Peggy. She has taught me that my rooms need not be filled with clutter to be filled with love. She has taught me that empty is not bad and doesn't need to be feared.  She has taught me that Empty can be a place filled with peace, warmth and acceptance. She is teaching me to live in my empty rooms without fear and loneliness. To find the love that is present even in empty spaces.  Most of all she reminds me..

To change the things that I can change. Accept the things that I cannot change and to continue to search for the Wisdom to Know the Difference!

Thank you, Peggy! I love you today!

Mary Louise

Friday, January 23, 2004

My Sister, Peggy!

One's Sister is a part of one's essential self, an eternal presence of one's Heart and Soul and Memory....Susan Cahill

My Sister is my Past. She writes my history. In her eyes...I recognize myself,  Memories only We can Share.                                                               She remembers, she forgives. She accepts me as I am...With tender Understanding......Lisa Lorden   

I thank God, my Sister, for the blessing you are...                                                For The joy of your laughter....The comfort of your prayers...The warmth of your smile...  

A Sister is dear to you always, for she is someone who is always a part of all the favorite memories that you keep very close to your heart!

A Sister is one of the nicest things that can happen to anyone. She is someone to laugh with and share with, to work with and join in the fun. She is someone who helps in the rough times and knows when you need a warm smile. She is someone who will quietly listen when you just want to talk for a while.

My Sister is my strength. She hears the wispered prayers that I cannot speak. She helps me find my smile, Freely giving hers away.

She catches my tears in her gentle hands........Lisa Lorden    

I miss you, Peggy and.....

I love You Today!

Mary Louise

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

Flying Home Today

I leave Santa Barbara today at 9:30am, California time.

I have had a wonderful visit and now it is time to go home.

Please keep me in your prayers as I fly across country. Flying has never been my favorite thing.          No control, I guess ......I have to trust others to get me home safely.

Just like Peggy.....

I'll write later......

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

Remember Me This Way!

Jordan Hill                        "REMEMBER ME THIS WAY"

Every now and then..We find a special friend that Never lets us down.

Who understands it All. Reaches out each time we call. Your the Best Friend that I've found.

I know You Can't Stay.........But Part of You Will.. Never..Ever Go Away!


I'll say a Prayer for You and Hope it will Come True..That Life will Just Be Kind to such a Gentle Mind and If You Lose Your Way.....

Think Back on Yesterday.....Remember Me This Way...Remember Me This Way!

I finished my call to Peggy this morning and hung up the phone and cried. It was nothing she did or didn't say..It was just remembering and missing My Sister,My Friend.

This is SO unfair that I want to scream! Peggy doesn't deserve this fate and( in my mind) I raise my fists to heaven and shake them and yelled, WHY??Why, God?

I know that God doesn't cause these things to happen but I needed to be angry with someone. I know that we Only get really angry with those we trust....................... "To Not Go Away".

I know that God will never leave me in my anger and it is a release to yell, Why to my God knowing that love is what is being heard... not anger. 


My Arms Are Too SHORT To Box With God! 

Even after my yelling and questioning this morning,  I did not feel anger from God because of my temper tantrum.          

I felt tender hands helping me to pick up the broken pieces of my heart so that I could go on with my day.

Thank You God, for listening and caring. Thank You for finding the pieces of my heart that I scattered around in my anger. Thank You for putting my heart back together today.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

Monday, January 19, 2004

A Sweet, Sweet Spirit in This Place.

I thought of a song this morning that Peggy and I sang in church when we were girl's. "There's A Sweet, Sweet Spirit In This Place". That is the molodie that drifted through my mind when I hung up the phone.                                                     Peggy still posesses that sweet spirit!   I have never known her to be mean-spirited in any way. That's just who she Was and Who She Still Is....A Gentle Soul, a Kind and Caring Spirit.

I walked on the beach this morning and watched as the mist covered the shore. I walked through the mist and could feel the cool spray on my face.                      That is what Peggy has always done for me. She provided a cool misting spray in the middle of emotional conflict. That was her gift to all of us!

Peggy is a gentle soul who touched all of our lives in different ways. She taught us to be kind and gentle and loving. She was not trying to teach.She was just being Peggy!

She would be surprised to read what I have just written because acculades of any kind... never entered her mind.

Alzheimer's may be causing Peggy to disappear but her Sweet, Sweet Spirit will live on in our hearts and lives.... OR....

Peggy will be there With ....

"THAT LOOK"  The iceburg look that could stop a person in their tracks!

Those of you who know Peggy know exactly what I mean. ( smile)!

Even a Sweet, Sweet Spirit Has Limits!!!!

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

Friday, January 16, 2004

Dressing My Heart for Daily Calls

My daily calls to Peggy are like trying to Dress my Heart from a Room with no Windows. I have to Guess how my heart  should be dressed for each call.

Somedays,  when I call, I dress for a blizzard and it turns out to be a warm spring day and there I Stand.... in my Ski Clothes! Dressed for below freezing weather in my Hat, Ski mask, Gloves and Boots!!!!!!

Some day's, I call Peggy bare footed, dressed for summer and I am confronted with a snow storm. 

Most day's, it is a warm spring day for which I am grateful!

Deciding how to dress my heart.... is a little price to pay to hear her familar voice and laughter.

Today was a good day, A Warm Day. A Summer Day!

A Warm Summer Day with much laughter.

I'm so glad that I called Bare Footed and ready for the Warm, Welcoming Sun  of Peggy's voice to drench my heart!

Thank You, Peggy!

I Love You Today!

Mary Louise

Thursday, January 15, 2004


There are times when I feel quilty for having such a good time while Peggy's world is shrinking. I do know that she is contented, well taken care of and happy. So why do I do I feel quilty? Maybe, this is normal when you love someone and are trying to continue your life without them.

Peggy is never far from my mind and I think of her when I see wonderful objects or beautiful scenery. I want to pick up the phone and call her and say...Quess what I just saw? Just like I used to do and not so long ago.

I have always shared with Peggy and now there is a void because I can no longer share the little things in my life that makes a day so grand. I miss that and I miss the Peggy that shared her Grand day's with me. 

I have seen so many beautiful sights in Santa Barbara that I would have enjoyed sharing with her and she would have enjoyed hearing my joy and excitement.

We will be going to watch the sun set over the Pacific later this afternoon.           How I wish I could share that moment with her!                                               Peggy should Hear how Beautiful it is to watch the Huge Orange Ball fall into the blue water. She needs to hear that when the sun is gone, there is a pink, golden shadow on the sky that takes my breath away.

I think that I will just call her anyway so that we can share this Grand Moment!

Where does the Sun Go..when it goes from our sight? It Just Goes To Shine Somewhere Else! ( Unknown).

Peggy, I Love You Today! You are Never Far from My Thoughts!

Mary Louise

Wednesday, January 14, 2004


Betty Jean, Barbara, Peggy and I are GRITS.

Grits are..






Yep..Ya'll...We are Grits.

Not sure why I am writing about this tonight..Just needed a break from thinking.

I have been told that I think too much and I know that that is true.

Back to GRITS...

When I was a young GRIT, My Grandmother and Mother taught many of the GRIT characteristics that I cling to today.

1. A Young GRIT does not whistle.

2. A Young GRIT does not yell.

3. A Young GRIT does not run and get sweaty.

I used to think that being TRUE GRITS meant having NO Fun at ALL!

Back to GRITS again...

4. A Young GRIT is polite.

5. A Young GRIT shows respect to her Elders.

6. A Young GRIT minds her parents.

7. A Young GRIT.... NEVAR.... Talks back to her parents or any adult.

I could go on and on but all you GRITS out there know exactly the things........... WE, As GRITS should and shouldn't DO!

My Grandmother also gave me  valuable  GRIT advice when I became a  grown woman and was about to be married. She said,

Mary Louise...I don't care how bad you feel and what chaos is going on around you, You simply Must do this every day....

Wash your face, comb your hair, put on a little rough and lipstick, hold your head high and face everyone with grace and diginity! 

THAT is what This GRIT is trying to do daily as I struggle with the up's and down's of .....Watching My Sister Disappear!

So...Mama Colley, I wanted you to know That....

I have washed my face, My hair is combed, I have on a little rouge and lipstick and I can say with Grace and Diginity.... My Head Held High.......

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

Saying Goodbye To Yesterday

I talked to Peggy this morning from Santa Barbara and I told her that I loved her today, she said, I KNOW.   I Know that You Know, Peggy. That felt so good until I said, Love You-Mean It! Then she said, I love you too,Baby!  My heart fell!  I  don't think she knew that it was me today.

I am writing from beautiful Santa Barbara, California. It is 1:20 am and I can't get to sleep. It has been a busy, wonderful day. I spent the day at Bacara, a resort and spa over looking the Pacific Ocean. The spaday was my Christmas gift from Ross.  Tonight, we had a delicious dinner on a mountain over looking the city of Santa Barbara. I walked out on the terrace and looked up at the bright stars that covered the sky and wondered why Peggy called me Baby!  I keep trying to move forward with my life and then...A wondering question comes into my head about Peggy.  I looked up at the stars tonight and hoped that they will spell out an answer.... Then, I thought of this song by Boy's 2 Men.  AH HA..     My Answer!    "How do I say goodbye to what we had. The good times that made us laugh outweighed the bad. I thought we'd get to see forever but forever's gone away. It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday! And I'll take with me the memories to be my sunshine after the rain. It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday".

 That's why I am still awake tonight, I guess. Trying to find some way to say goodbye to yesterday and to Peggy.     I know that it will be a day by day process of letting go but Can't It Hurry Up???      I'm not sure why 3 little letters... "BYE"..... take a life time to put into practice.     No matter where I go in life..I will always be struggling to Get those 3 little letters                                                 Out of my Mind and  Into My Heart.Another day of Trying to say...             Goodbye to Peggy and Yesterday!         I love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

Monday, January 12, 2004

Flying Through The Fog of Alzheimer's

I called Peggy this morning to tell her that I had arrived safely in Santa Barbara. She said,You did...Good.

I left Cincinnati on Saturday and flew to Santa Barbara, Ca.  As the plane ascended, I watched through my small window and the city slowly disappeared in a haze of clouds. As we sliced through the winter sky, I wondered if this was what Peggy is experiencing.

We reached an altitude of 37 thousand feet and flew toward Salt Lake City. I  looked out of my window at the patch work of colors below and couldn't recognized towns, cities or state borders. Nothing looked familar as we flew in and out of the clouds. As we approached Salt Lake, The pilot informed us that there was a dence fog covering the Salt Lake area and that we would land in 15 to 20 minutes. I watched from my porthole to the world as we approached the mountains that surround the city and suddently we were in a haze of white. I could see nothing of the city or it's lights. As we decended, the plane bumped and swayed. I knew that I was not in control and that I would have trust the pilots to land the plane safely.

It dawned on me that this is what Peggy does every day. She trusts that she will have people around her who will take care of her.

We broke through the fog and below us was a dimly lit runway welcoming our landing.

Is this what it feels like, Peggy?

There is no way that I can know. I have to guess through my life experiences but someday...We will slice through the winter sky and touch down on a brightly lit runway.

Then...we can sit and talk and you will finally be able to tell me about your experience of disappearing through the fog of Alzheimer's.



Mary Louise


Friday, January 9, 2004

Remember The Magic in Our Lives!


Remember the Times,Remember the Magic, Remember the Magic in our Lives!!!

1805 St. Charles Court....Playing dress-up...dolls...Rock School...

Old Maids...Vacation Bible School...Christmas...Micro Midget Track..

Jump Ball..I See Something...Hop Scotch...Jump Rope...Strut Miss Lizzie...

Kick The Can...Making clover chains...Putting on Plays...Red Rover...

Digging for Doddle Bugs...Roller Skating... going barefoot all summer...

5 children sharing ONE bathroom successfully...Making up songs...

Dodge Ball..I Spy..Mickey Mouse Club...Ain't No Bugger Bears Out Tonight...

Walking around and counting the number of whistles we got....Bible Drills...

Cheerleading...Twirling the baton...Beauty Pagents...Talking on the phone...

sharing a bedroon...Sneaking clothes from Betty Jean's closet...

Going on Dates...sharing clothes...sharing dreams...singing in the kitchen...

Going to Proms..Fixing our hair..putting on make-up..spinning on pot lids.

Calling boy friends for one another..Roller skating on Mrs Farmer's Hill.

Brother Williams..Berney Points Baptist Church...Bus, 3 West End..

Across the Alley Girlfriends... Football Games &Yelling until we were hoarse..

Hiding school shoes so I wouldn't have to go to school (Just Me)!....

Tossing eggs in a circle..Crying together when we lost a love...driving lessons...

Alabama Football Games...Sliding in the mud in the front yard...

Digging Fox Holes in the back Yard...Prom gowns...Wedding gowns...

Sister's Weeks....Christmas' at home...Going to Montgomery...Lemons..

Lee School..West End & Fairfield High Schools....West End Theatre.

Panama City..The Big 10...West End Lions..5 Points West..Fire Tower..

GreenSprings Park... The Church Yard...Joe's Store...Cherry Cokes...

Dwight, Jack, Tommy, Johnny Mac, Dan....

So many wonderful memories, Peggy... I will keep all of them safe for you!

I love you Today, Peggy...

Mary Louise

Thursday, January 8, 2004

Dancing Through The Rain

Have you heard the phrase, "I'm dancing as fast as I can"?

When I finished my call to Peggy this morning, that is the way that I felt!

 My heart was tired from dancing! I had to dance around the silences, dance around her struggle for words, dance and pretend that everything was normal.

If  Love and dancing were enough, We could All Love and Dance her Well because Peggy is surrounded by family and friends who Love her and who would Dance for her Forever!

Sometimes, Love is Not Enough!  Sometimes, we can't Dance fast enough!

My Dancing cannot stop the Dark Storm clouds of Alzheimer's from gathering around her head. 

No Matter how fast I dance, I cannot stop Alzheimer's from pelting her mind with a cold rain.                






Mary Louise

Wednesday, January 7, 2004

All The Tears Of My Life

I talked with Peggy this morning. It is difficult to manage the grief that I feel talking with her and the happiness I can still hear in her voice. Why do I feel so sad when she sounds so happy? It is because when I hear her voice, I know that Peggy is disappearing from my life and then .. All The Tears of My Life spill over into my heart!     

This journal is helping me move through my grief and not get stuck. I have to admit that there are day's when I just Sit in the grief like it is a huge pile of dung. I sit and cry and smell the rancid, repulsive odor of my grief and pain. Then I shake off the dung, wash off the smell and continue my life. I think that one can either deal with the grief head on or live in denial, so I Grieve, I sit in it and write my feelings. 

 I am aware that I am not only writing the grief over Peggy but I am writing the grief of ALL of my life! Every grief experience is re-awakened during this journey with Peggy and is thrown into the pot and stirred.  My  grief over losing Peggy is flavored with all of the other experiences of pain and grief that I have ever lived. Every one handles grieving in different way's. Writing is the way that I choose to explore my pain and learn from my grief.  Then, I am able to take another baby step toward acceptance of this situation.

 Just like no two snowflakes are alike.. and there are No Two Grief experiences that are alike!  The reason being..  we each bring all of our own personal life experience of grief and pain to the process.     

So... As I write, I do not cry for Peggy and her disappearing only...I write and Cry.... ALL THE TEARS OF MY LIFE! 

 I love you Today, Peggy            Mary Louise

Tuesday, January 6, 2004

"The Winter of The Mind"

 WINTER..The coldest season of the year following Autumn. A period of decline and distress,ect.

This could also be a definition of Alzheimer's Disease and called "The Winter of the Mind" "The Winter of the Mind" started slowly in Peggy, blowing puffs of cold air on her brain. Cold periods where she would forget, misplace things, miss appointments.    

 Peggy's  "Winter of the Mind" has placed it's icy hands on her brain and is in control. It is getting colder and blows crystals of ice that swirl around in her mind and body. She is slowly beginning to freeze as "The Winter of the Mind"  releases constant attacks to her brain.  

It will continue the storm until her brain is compeletly covered with snow and ice. The Peggy that I knew is now, frozen in time. She can only wait for the next assault of Winter to further freeze every thought and memory that she has ever had.   Winter will stay with Peggy until there is nothing left but the Cold and the Silence of a Winter storm that has passed. 

 I love you, Peggy and I would do anything for you but I can't melt "The Winter in Your Mind"! It is a helpless feeling to watch as Winter takes you away!  Sadness in my heart because you are going from my life and sadness that I cannot do much to Help You.... as You  Face "Your Winter"!  

 I Love You Today, Peggy!     MaryLouise

Monday, January 5, 2004

A Common Thread

 I have worked hard NOT to say, "Do you rememember" to Peggy. Some days, I feel drained after my call because I work so hard to fill the silences. I know that I am more uncomfortable with the silences than Peggy seems to be. I have decided that with every call, I will tell her things from our past as sister's and not ask her if she remembers. 

Sometimes, I want to quit calling. I don't think that it would make any difference to Peggy. I keep wanting something, anything back when we talk. I want some recognition from her even if it is just.. Goodbye, MaryLouise.

It's almost as if I am talking to a Card Board cut out. I hear her and it sounds like Peggy but no responce or recognition. It feels strange because we have shared so much together.

 I have been told that I need to let her go but I am not willing or able to do that. If she had died and there was finality, I could start the process of letting her go but she is still walking, talking and breathing and I refuse to give up on her.

There are day's when I hang up the phone and ask myself..Why are you putting yourself through this every day! Giving and always hoping for a tiny bit of recoginition on her part that never comes. I know in my head not to expect her to say, Hi, MaryLouise but my heart is stubborn and will not listen to my head.

I cannot say goodbye to a sister who is still alive and I think, needs me. She is a sister who listened to my deepest hurts and shared my highest joys and felt them as her own. I know that she still needs me on some level and I will never let her go.. until she takes her last breath. Then, I can stop because she will be safe, at home and in the care of other loved ones who can take up where we, on earth, left off.

 I have wonderful sisters and there is no place more comforting than in their arms when things are good and when they are bad. Our parents gave us a great gift and that was the gift of truely caring for one another.

We are More than Just acquaintances....It's as if we are cut from the same fabric. Even though we appear to be sewn in a different pattern,we have a common thread that Won't be people or years or distance! (Author unknown)

Let Peggy Go....NO WAY!  A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle!

I love you today, Peggy!      MaryLouise

Saturday, January 3, 2004

I Will Remember You!

I Will Remember You... by Sarah McLachlan   (Liberties Taken)

I will remember you. Will you remember me?

 Don't let your life pass you by..Weep Not for the memories.

Remember the Good Times that we had!

Let them slip away from us when things got bad. 

Clearly, WE first saw you smiling in the sun. We want to feel your warmth around us. We want to be the ones!

I'm so Tired but I can't sleep. Standing on the edge of Something Much too Deep!

Funny, how we Feel so much but Cannot say a Word.

Though we are Screaming inside.........We can't be Heard!

I Will Remember You! Will you remember me?

Don't let your life pass you by..Weep Not For the Memories!

So afraid to Love You...More afraid to lose..

We are Clinging to a Past that doesn't let us choose!

Where once there was darkness, a deep and endless night.

You gave us everything you had.......AHHH... Peggy,

You gave us light!


We will Remember You!

Will You Remember me?

Don't let your Life pass you by.

We will weep NOT for all our Memories!!!


MaryLouise, BettyJean,Johnny and Barbara



Friday, January 2, 2004

Living in a World of Strangers!

This morning, Peggy would only say, I don't know or I can't remember.  I told her that I loved her today. She said, I love you too. After I hung up the phone, I thought about what it would be like to live in a world of strangers. A world with faces but no names or remembered connections to the faces.  I was in a airport of a major city and traveling alone recently. I realized that I was experiencing some of what it would feel like to have Alzheimer's Disease! It was several hours before my next flight so I sat at a table and watched people as they passed. I was aware that there was not a single face that I knew.  It was a lonely experience to be among so many people who were strangers.  I knew that we would remain strangers because we were just sharing a moment in time. I made my way to my plane and boarded with another mass of strangers. I smiled at the pilots as I boarded.  I was aware that I was placing my life in the care of people that I did not know!  I was trusting total strangers to safely take me home. I landed in my home airport and exited the plane. I made my way, with other strangers to collect my luggage.  Then, I spotted a familar face in the crowd. A face that I remembered and that remembered me and had come to take me home!  Peggy is waiting for that familar face who will come to take her home!  There are Angels among the Strangers that come in and out of our lives!      I love you today, Peggy!      Mary Louise

Thursday, January 1, 2004

The New Year


Looking forward into an empty year strikes one with a certain awe, because one find's there in no recognition.    The years behind have a friendly aspect and they are warmed by the fires that we have kindled and all their echoes are the echoes of our own voices.              Alexander Smith

The comfort of knowing that our bond will survive despite our differences and that our connection provides each of us with a more accurate picture of ourselves enhances our chances of finding inner peace and satisfaction as we age together.   Jane Mersky Leder



Happy New Year Peggy and....        

I Love You today!

Mary Louise