I talked with Peggy this morning. It is difficult to manage the grief that I feel talking with her and the happiness I can still hear in her voice. Why do I feel so sad when she sounds so happy? It is because when I hear her voice, I know that Peggy is disappearing from my life and then .. All The Tears of My Life spill over into my heart!
This journal is helping me move through my grief and not get stuck. I have to admit that there are day's when I just Sit in the grief like it is a huge pile of dung. I sit and cry and smell the rancid, repulsive odor of my grief and pain. Then I shake off the dung, wash off the smell and continue my life. I think that one can either deal with the grief head on or live in denial, so I Grieve, I sit in it and write my feelings.
I am aware that I am not only writing the grief over Peggy but I am writing the grief of ALL of my life! Every grief experience is re-awakened during this journey with Peggy and is thrown into the pot and stirred. My grief over losing Peggy is flavored with all of the other experiences of pain and grief that I have ever lived. Every one handles grieving in different way's. Writing is the way that I choose to explore my pain and learn from my grief. Then, I am able to take another baby step toward acceptance of this situation.
Just like no two snowflakes are alike.. and there are No Two Grief experiences that are alike! The reason being.. we each bring all of our own personal life experience of grief and pain to the process.
So... As I write, I do not cry for Peggy and her disappearing only...I write and Cry.... ALL THE TEARS OF MY LIFE!
I love you Today, Peggy Mary Louise