Wednesday, January 7, 2004

All The Tears Of My Life

I talked with Peggy this morning. It is difficult to manage the grief that I feel talking with her and the happiness I can still hear in her voice. Why do I feel so sad when she sounds so happy? It is because when I hear her voice, I know that Peggy is disappearing from my life and then .. All The Tears of My Life spill over into my heart!     

This journal is helping me move through my grief and not get stuck. I have to admit that there are day's when I just Sit in the grief like it is a huge pile of dung. I sit and cry and smell the rancid, repulsive odor of my grief and pain. Then I shake off the dung, wash off the smell and continue my life. I think that one can either deal with the grief head on or live in denial, so I Grieve, I sit in it and write my feelings. 

 I am aware that I am not only writing the grief over Peggy but I am writing the grief of ALL of my life! Every grief experience is re-awakened during this journey with Peggy and is thrown into the pot and stirred.  My  grief over losing Peggy is flavored with all of the other experiences of pain and grief that I have ever lived. Every one handles grieving in different way's. Writing is the way that I choose to explore my pain and learn from my grief.  Then, I am able to take another baby step toward acceptance of this situation.

 Just like no two snowflakes are alike.. and there are No Two Grief experiences that are alike!  The reason being..  we each bring all of our own personal life experience of grief and pain to the process.     

So... As I write, I do not cry for Peggy and her disappearing only...I write and Cry.... ALL THE TEARS OF MY LIFE! 

 I love you Today, Peggy            Mary Louise

7 comments:

sonensmilinmon said...

I often come by, I rarely leave messages as I never know the right words to say. Tonight I wanted to say THANK-YOU for saying that no two grief experiences are alike. I have said that to a friend of mine so many times yet, she keeps telling me her grief was more painful. I'm sure in her eyes it is but, HOW could she know the level of anothers pain? You have a wonderful journal here and as always I am touched by the amount of love you have for Peggy.
Monica

beppeinpcola said...

I too am grieving over the loss of Peggy. As the oldest sister I reember all three sisters as my babies. At home we were: Betty Jean, Barbara Ann, Mary Louise and Peggy Jane (Southern double names you know) Pur parents left us the richest gift of all -- LOVE FOR EACH OTHER. I am proud of Mary Louise for writing her journal for without telling her she is also expressing my thoughts. Peggy & I were very, very close and since I am 11 years older than hershe called me "Midget Mother". Love, B

barbpinion said...

MARY, YOU ARE SUCH A BLESSING TO ME AND MANY OTHERS WHO TAKE TIME TO READ YOUR JOURNAL ABOUT YOUR SISTER. OF ALL THE WORLD NEEDS ...UNCONDITIONAL LOVE IS IT...AND YOUR SISTER HAS THIS FROM HER FAMILY. NOBODY ELSE CAN UNDERSTAND YOUR PAIN UNLESS THEY ARE GOING THROUGH THE EXACT SAME THING..BUT DEAR ONE...MY HEART DOES HURT KNOWING YOU HAVE TO SUFFER IN THIS WAY. GOD LOVES YOU AND HE IS LOVING YOUR SISTER THROUGH ALL OF YOU. GOD BLESS YOU. WILL BE BACK TO KEEP UP WITH YOUR JOURNAL. Barbpinion

mamaonine said...

I grieve with you. My sis was manic depressive. The drugs took her personality. Then, somehow we were emailing joy and suffering 6 to 10 times a day. We both lived for those emails. She was 1100 miles away but in my daily life. Then, 3 years ago, she was suddenly gone one day leaving me a treasure of 3,000 emails. I am in joy for the 50 years I had her and the finale that was EVERYTHING.

caragrike said...

Thanks Louise. Everyone handles grieving in their own way. I know I was different with mother's death since she was cremated. I didn't have a place to go to. I wanted to see her name etched in stone. In my heart, I know she died because I was with her. caragrike (Barbara)

caragrike said...

cont..Daddy drew me a map 5 years after her death of the old homeplace in Greenville, Al. He told me that is where he buried some of her ashes. I have never been but know I had a place to go. He grieved in his own way. He said that it was just the two of them in the beginning and just the two of them at the end even in the last moments of her life and at her burial and Peggy will be in eternity with the two of them while they wait on us. I LOVE MY FAMILY! caragrike

sugerb6 said...

I shed tears with you Mary Louise. I come from a close family as well, our love for each other grows with each journey we travel together. I am blessed to come from a family who truly knows love.
Debbie