Monday, January 5, 2004

A Common Thread

 I have worked hard NOT to say, "Do you rememember" to Peggy. Some days, I feel drained after my call because I work so hard to fill the silences. I know that I am more uncomfortable with the silences than Peggy seems to be. I have decided that with every call, I will tell her things from our past as sister's and not ask her if she remembers. 

Sometimes, I want to quit calling. I don't think that it would make any difference to Peggy. I keep wanting something, anything back when we talk. I want some recognition from her even if it is just.. Goodbye, MaryLouise.

It's almost as if I am talking to a Card Board cut out. I hear her and it sounds like Peggy but no responce or recognition. It feels strange because we have shared so much together.

 I have been told that I need to let her go but I am not willing or able to do that. If she had died and there was finality, I could start the process of letting her go but she is still walking, talking and breathing and I refuse to give up on her.

There are day's when I hang up the phone and ask myself..Why are you putting yourself through this every day! Giving and always hoping for a tiny bit of recoginition on her part that never comes. I know in my head not to expect her to say, Hi, MaryLouise but my heart is stubborn and will not listen to my head.

I cannot say goodbye to a sister who is still alive and I think, needs me. She is a sister who listened to my deepest hurts and shared my highest joys and felt them as her own. I know that she still needs me on some level and I will never let her go.. until she takes her last breath. Then, I can stop because she will be safe, at home and in the care of other loved ones who can take up where we, on earth, left off.

 I have wonderful sisters and there is no place more comforting than in their arms when things are good and when they are bad. Our parents gave us a great gift and that was the gift of truely caring for one another.

We are More than Just acquaintances....It's as if we are cut from the same fabric. Even though we appear to be sewn in a different pattern,we have a common thread that Won't be people or years or distance! (Author unknown)

Let Peggy Go....NO WAY!  A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle!

I love you today, Peggy!      MaryLouise


steeve3662 said...

I thought this was a wonderful wonderful page. It really helped me put my own Mothers disease into proper perspective. Thank you so much for sharing.
Bright Blessings to you.

rha4497496 said...

MaryLouise, you are a wonderful sister and any one of us would be lucky to have you as our own! Thank God, though that Peggy has you. She deserves you and your love more than any of us. God Bless you for keeping the faith alive! Robyn

braswellsoul said...

Aunt Louise, I am reading what you are writing about my mom and I must say that alot of it is hard to read. I understand what you mean when you say that she is like a cardboard cut out of herself. There is alot of truth to what you are saying but what you cant see through the phone are her expressions and how her face lights up when she is told that it is you on the phone. cont......

braswellsoul said...

(continued from below)....She still knows who you are and the other day I showed her some pictures with my dad of you and her. I asked her if she knew who those two pretty ladies were and she said "yeah, me and Louise." I also played a phone message you left for her.

braswellsoul said...

(sorry these are backwards..Please begin with the 3rd one down and read up)I said "here mom, its a message from aunt Louise" and although she couldn't comprehend that it was only a message...she knew it was you. She was talking back to you like you were really on the phone...when the message ended I said "you know that was Louise "and she said "yeah, I talked to Louise". I thought this would comfort you. I love you, Brooke

braswellsoul said...

Aunt Louise....P.S..Just called and talked to mom. I asked her if she talked to you today and she said yes..I told her to be sure to tell you how much she loves you when you call tomorrow and she said "we do". Love, Brooke

caragrike said...

Keep writing ML. Only Brooke will understand one day when she is older that your view is from a sister's point of view not a daughter. You have over 50 years of history not just 20 something. This helps me so much. caragrike