I have worked hard NOT to say, "Do you rememember" to Peggy. Some days, I feel drained after my call because I work so hard to fill the silences. I know that I am more uncomfortable with the silences than Peggy seems to be. I have decided that with every call, I will tell her things from our past as sister's and not ask her if she remembers.
Sometimes, I want to quit calling. I don't think that it would make any difference to Peggy. I keep wanting something, anything back when we talk. I want some recognition from her even if it is just.. Goodbye, MaryLouise.
It's almost as if I am talking to a Card Board cut out. I hear her and it sounds like Peggy but no responce or recognition. It feels strange because we have shared so much together.
I have been told that I need to let her go but I am not willing or able to do that. If she had died and there was finality, I could start the process of letting her go but she is still walking, talking and breathing and I refuse to give up on her.
There are day's when I hang up the phone and ask myself..Why are you putting yourself through this every day! Giving and always hoping for a tiny bit of recoginition on her part that never comes. I know in my head not to expect her to say, Hi, MaryLouise but my heart is stubborn and will not listen to my head.
I cannot say goodbye to a sister who is still alive and I think, needs me. She is a sister who listened to my deepest hurts and shared my highest joys and felt them as her own. I know that she still needs me on some level and I will never let her go.. until she takes her last breath. Then, I can stop because she will be safe, at home and in the care of other loved ones who can take up where we, on earth, left off.
I have wonderful sisters and there is no place more comforting than in their arms when things are good and when they are bad. Our parents gave us a great gift and that was the gift of truely caring for one another.
We are More than Just acquaintances....It's as if we are cut from the same fabric. Even though we appear to be sewn in a different pattern,we have a common thread that Won't be broken....by people or years or distance! (Author unknown)
Let Peggy Go....NO WAY! A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle!
I love you today, Peggy! MaryLouise