I talked to Peggy this morning from Santa Barbara and I told her that I loved her today, she said, I KNOW. I Know that You Know, Peggy. That felt so good until I said, Love You-Mean It! Then she said, I love you too,Baby! My heart fell! I don't think she knew that it was me today.
I am writing from beautiful Santa Barbara, California. It is 1:20 am and I can't get to sleep. It has been a busy, wonderful day. I spent the day at Bacara, a resort and spa over looking the Pacific Ocean. The spaday was my Christmas gift from Ross. Tonight, we had a delicious dinner on a mountain over looking the city of Santa Barbara. I walked out on the terrace and looked up at the bright stars that covered the sky and wondered why Peggy called me Baby! I keep trying to move forward with my life and then...A wondering question comes into my head about Peggy. I looked up at the stars tonight and hoped that they will spell out an answer.... Then, I thought of this song by Boy's 2 Men. AH HA.. My Answer! "How do I say goodbye to what we had. The good times that made us laugh outweighed the bad. I thought we'd get to see forever but forever's gone away. It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday! And I'll take with me the memories to be my sunshine after the rain. It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday".
That's why I am still awake tonight, I guess. Trying to find some way to say goodbye to yesterday and to Peggy. I know that it will be a day by day process of letting go but Can't It Hurry Up??? I'm not sure why 3 little letters... "BYE"..... take a life time to put into practice. No matter where I go in life..I will always be struggling to Get those 3 little letters Out of my Mind and Into My Heart.Another day of Trying to say... Goodbye to Peggy and Yesterday! I love You Today, Peggy!
Mary Louise
5 comments:
She knew, she knew when she said "I Know." She just wanted you to know the important part before she went on her way. Saying "bye" is a way of excusing yourself, backup your excuses...with memories of love. Race
I don't think we ever truly say good bye......what we hold in our hearts and memories is ours, unchanged, forever.
Oh Mary Louise! I cry with you every time I read an entry. Somehow I am able to draw strength from your pain, and you have all of those wonderful memories of Peggy to draw strength from. Remember the saying: Everythng changes, nothing stays the same. And so it goes. Try to have a good time with your son. You are building memories for him now. Robyn
Thank you for documenting your experience with your sister. My father is in a similar situation, in which his mind has all but disappeared. My Mother told me about your journal, and she says you were a classmate of hers in Birmingham. I can relate to what you write, and I wish there was something I could do to reverse the loss of awareness apparent with my father. Thank you for sharing and please enjoy the time you have with your sister. From Chandler, Arizona, you have my best wishes.
Neither did I sleep well last night for I dreamed of Peggy all night and was trying to help her get from place to place. It was a very eal dream and I was crying alot. I was so down when I awoke this morning. "Bye for now" is what my first husband and I would always say for saying goodbye was to final. So in ending this tonight I say "bye for now". Love you,ML, Peggy and Barbara tonight and always. Your sis, Betty Jean
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