I am learning that there are many levels of grief. Today, I talked with you and I didn't tear up or feel bad when I hung up the phone. You were no different today than on most days. I was the one who was different. I didn't expect to get anything back while we talked nor did I try to get you to remember.
Grief is like standing on a beach and watching the waves roll in and roll out. Some days, there is a storm at sea and the waves come in with such force that they literally knock me over. Today, the waves were small and easy to feel and watch as they slid back into the ocean.
When I bring my memories to the shore of the daily calls, I cause the waves to get rough. It is when I expect to get something back from Peggy that I cause my own stormy seas.
Today, I didn't expect to get anything back from her. I just wanted to hear her voice and calm the rough sea in my heart.
I wish that I could learn to be a buoy and never let the waves knock me over again.
But...I know me and I also know that there will still be those calls when I stand on the shore of my remembrances and try to get something back.
There will be those days when I drop my anchor and try to get her to remember..... When I do that, then I am the one who will cause the stormy sea in my heart.
Peggy is sailing in a beautiful ship, on a sea of glass. She has no fear of rough seas or of the storms that I see in the distance.
I am the sailor who keeps trying to bring her back to the shore before the storms come. I am the sailor who keeps dropping the anchor instead of being the buoy that rocks on the waves and rides out the storm with her.
I have much to learn about grief and how it is affecting me. I will try and learn to ride the waves as they come. I will try to realize that my grief is like the ocean and the waves will continue. They will always roll in and they will never stop touching the shore of my heart.
I will continue to stand facing the ocean and watching the approaching storms. And I know that I can not stop the waves from washing Peggy away, no matter how hard I try.. I will just strive to be her anchor in the storm as I continue to learn how to be a Buoy!
I Love You Today, Peggy!