Thursday, October 7, 2004

LEVELS OF GRIEF

Dear Peggy,

I am learning that there are many levels of grief.   Today, I talked with you and I didn't tear up or feel bad when I hung up the phone. You were no different today than on most days.  I was the one who was different. I didn't expect to get anything back while we talked nor did I try to get you to remember.

Grief is like standing on a beach and watching the waves roll in and roll out. Some days, there is a storm at sea and the waves come in with such force that they literally knock me over. Today, the waves were small and easy to feel and watch as they slid back into the ocean.  

 When I bring my memories to the shore of the daily calls, I cause the waves to get rough. It is when I expect to get something back from Peggy that I cause my own stormy seas.

Today, I didn't expect to get anything back from her. I just wanted to hear her voice and calm the rough sea in my heart.

I wish that I could learn to be a buoy and never let the waves knock me over again.

But...I know me and I also know that there will still be those calls when I stand on the shore of my remembrances and try to get something back.       

There will be those days when I drop my anchor and try to get her to remember..... When I do that, then I am the one who will cause the stormy sea in my heart.

Peggy is sailing in a beautiful ship, on a sea of glass. She has no fear of rough seas or of the storms that I see in the distance.

 I am the sailor who keeps trying to bring her back to the shore before the storms come. I am the sailor who keeps dropping the anchor instead of being the buoy that rocks on the waves and rides out the storm with her.

I have much to learn about grief and how it is affecting me. I will try and learn to ride the waves as they come.    I will try to realize that my grief is like the ocean and the waves will continue. They will always roll in and they will never stop touching the shore of my heart. 

I will continue to stand facing the ocean and watching the approaching storms. And I know that I can not stop the waves from washing Peggy away, no matter how hard I try.. I will just strive to be her anchor in the storm as I continue to learn how to be a Buoy!

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

5 comments:

barbpinion said...

Grief is one of the most difficult things to cope with  and I admire the way you and your family have managed to perserver, no matter how rough the waves. Keeping you and your family in prayers...including, of course, precious Peggy. *Barb*

jsaurbaugh said...

  I wanted to stop by and read your journal.  I like your writing style and must commend you on how you see this long, hard journey you must take.  God be with you.

bittersweet55454 said...

Peggy, I just lost my best friend my daughter and my sister 12/4/2003. She was 35 yrs old that Oct. I understand what you are going through and wish you the best. I wish I could bring her back for you. That's all I want is my sister connie!

kristiejune34 said...

My heart breaks for you . I am glad that you have this outlet . and SO SO SO many people are/will benefit from your precious words

cneinhorn said...

Your words are sad and beautiful at the same time.  Your photos were so poignant.

~JerseyGirl
http://journals.aol.com/cneinhorn/WonderGirl