Friday, October 22, 2004

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

Peggy's voice sounded strong this morning and she was laughing as she answered my questions.

How are you today?

Fine.

What are you doing right now?

I don't know.

Do you know who this is?

Maybe.

This is Mary Louise..Your Sister and I love you so today, Peggy.

Thanks.

It is interesting how little things are being erased from her mind. She has forgotten how to hang up the phone. When I say good-bye to her, she doesn't know what to do.

This morning, after I talked with her, I said...bye Peggy.

She said...O K.

I am going to hang up the phone now and you can too.

OK.

Bye Peggy.

Bye

O K, I'll count to three and we will both hang up the phone at the same time.

Laughing she said; All-right.

O. K. Peggy...1,2,3. hang up.

Thanks.

Tears pooled in my eyes when I heard her say thanks.

Peggy, just lay the phone down, O K?

OK.

This goes on for a while until I get up the courage to close my cell phone and disconnect.

I always tear up when I have to do this because I feel like I am closing my link to her.

The Peggy that I knew is Not on the other end of the phone line... but the voice that I knew Is....

That feels strange in many ways.

 In all of our years of talking on the phone, we have never hung up on one another.  Having to hang up the phone while she is still on the line is a new grief that I face when I call her.

I have to decide when to disconnect and hang up my phone.           I do this knowing that she is still on the line and just doesn't remember what to do. I am never sure if I am doing the right thing when I disconnect and hang up on her. 

After 5 or 10  minutes of saying good-bye and please hang up the phone Peggy,  I slowly close my cell phone. 

 I think that if I hang up the phone slowly and hold it to my heart...she can feel my heart hurting and hear my tears falling as I say good-bye and finally hang up. 

Maybe, she knows somewhere in her being, that it is hard for me to disconnect from her voice.

To slowly disconnect from the only thing that is left of the old Peggy... The only thing that still sounds like home....Peggy's voice.

Daphne Rose Kingma wrote.....

Today, see if you can stretch your heart and expand your love so that it touches not only those to whom you can give it easily...

But also to those who need it so much!

I Love You Today, Peggy! 

Hearing the sound of your voice and your laughter today, helped to touch that place in my soul that is...Home.                                   A safe place where there were no cell phones and no one had to ....slowly say good-bye.

Mary Louise

 

3 comments:

spurgins311 said...

I cried as I read it. Praying for you both.
SHARON

ile7905 said...

Your journal is so inspiring! You may be watching your sister dissapear, but every peice is getting closer to God. I hope that will give you some comfort. I lost my Father over 2 years ago he was only 59 you are lucky you still have moments with Peggy, please chairish them, that is what matters now.

peppypioneer said...

My heart ached for yours as I read this entry today.  It must be devastating to feel so helpless to be able to do anything to change Peggy or her condition.  I can hear the fear you feel when you must "hang up" on Peggy.  God bless you both.  Paulette