The sitter said that Peggy was quiet today and wouldn't get out of her chair. She also said that she couldn't get her to eat or to respond in any way. She warned me that she might not want to get up and come to the phone or talk with me. The sitter didn't want it to hurt my feelings if Peggy wouldn't come to the phone. The sitter said to Peggy; it's your sister, MaryLouise.
I waited for seconds that seemed like minutes thinking that she wasn't going to get up and come to the phone but then..... There was a small voice on the other end of the phone line that said...Hello, in a sad tone.
It made me smile that she got out of her chair to talk with me and sad that she sounded so down. My heart tore a little as we talked. She was so lost and this is something that her big sister cannot make better like I could when we were children. We had the usual conversation and I asked her if she was feeling bad today. No, she said. We..or I chatted away and she was laughing when we said good-bye.
Maybe, my calls do help even if she doesn't know who I am any longer. I wonder what is going on in her mind when she gets in these places where she won't or can't respond. I do know that the Alzheimer's monster is doing more destructive work in her brain every day. Alzheimer's is ending her life but it will never end our relationship.
Peggy is becoming a statue. The shell of her is still here but her mind is slowly being transformed into granite. Her thoughts are going through a process of crystallization. Her memories are being extracted.... one at a time. For the time being...she can still reach out from her world as a statue and touch my life but that will slowly come to an end. I am trying to prepare myself for that day. I know in my heart that I will never be prepared for the Silence of Peggy.
When the process is complete...Peggy will be frozen in time. A living, breathing statue that cannot reach out of her cold, stone world. When Peggy has completely turned to stone, I will cherish the Indian folklore story about stones. It is said that if you find a stone that has an imprint of any kind on it...... that stone has the spirit of a person safely preserved inside.
Peggy will turn to stone one day but when she does....I will still see the imprint of who she was on her face and seeing that... I will know that her spirit...still lives on.
I Love You Today, Peggy! Mary Louise