Wednesday, June 9, 2004


Dear Peggy, I called you this morning but got the answer machine.

I hope you and your sitter are out walking in the sun. I wish that I could be there to walk with you in person but I am walking with you in my thoughts.

Remember when we were young and used to walk around the block in the summer? It felt like a great adventure then.

I miss you so much and wish we could sit down and talk about the old times, the fun times and even the sad times.

There are so many things that I miss about you since   Alzheimer's Disease claimed you as it's own. I miss you're asking me about how I am doing and what is going on in my life.

I wish you could tell me what it feels like to have Alzheimer's Disease.  Are you scared? I hope not because I worry about that.

I had "The Dream" again last night. The one where you are crying and pleading with me to help you.  You are on the other side of a huge piece of glass and I cannot get to you. I hate having that dream because today... it is reality.

I want to be there for you but as you continue to disappear from my life... but I don't know how.

Sometimes, I look at your picture and can see you making a square of your fingers and hear you saying with your big smile...Love You....Mean It!!!! M L. I would love to hear you say that to me...Just one more time.

I really thought that we would grow old together. All of the Sister's..Together always. Alzheimer's had other plans for you and took you away from all of us.

I read something yesterday that stuck in my mind. It said;

I always knew that I would look back and laugh at the times that we cried.     BUT....

I Never thought that I would cry at the times that we laughed!

I do, you know.

Peggy, I miss your wit and humor.

I miss the way you would tilt your head to the side when you were thinking.

I miss your hand gestures that were passed down by our Grandmother, Mama Colley.

I miss "That Look" when you saw my temper flare.

When I let myself think about what Alzheimer's has done to you, My temper does flare and even if you could give me the look that says, watch that temper of yours...

I would still like for Alzheimer's to take a form so that I could beat it to death with my fists. I would like to throw it to the ground and stomp the life out of it. It wouldn't have a chance if I could get hold of it. I would beat it from your mind and free you from your prison .

You have always been a gentle person and wouldn't even think of such things but I have and do.

I do think of beating A D to death when I see  the black holes where your green eyes used to look out at the world.

I think of  killing Alzheimer's when I hear you try to put a sentence together.

I think of stomping on Alzheimer's because of all the family times that you will miss.

I think of beating the life out of Alzheimer's when I think of your husband and daughters who need you so much.

I think of throwing Alzheimer's to the ground when I think of all the Sister trips that you will not be apart of ever again.

Alzheimer's disease has taken your bright, beautiful mind and turned it into ashes.

Every once in a while, I stir the ashes and see flickers of fire still burning there but they quickly go out and the ashes are dark grey again.

This is just not the way our lives were supposed to end, Peggy.

I wish that I could have an hour and we could say good-bye properly but I know that we will never have that opportunity.

You were a good sister to me and I miss you more than I can write. I just wish that you still remembered that we were sisters but you don't. I know you would if you could so I will remember for you, O K?

Maybe, they will find a cure for this terrible living death!

I just wanted to write to you today and tell you how much I miss you. I have cried a million tears over losing you. If I could...I would stack them upon one another so that I could reach you in your world.

 We don't have today anymore but we had wonderful yesterdays and I will treasure those times always.

I Love You Today, Peggy!  LOVE YOU...MEAN IT!

Mary Louise




lavernwest said...

While reading your entry today, Mary Louise, certainly brought tears to my eyes.  I lost my husband a year and a half ago, and though he didn't have AD, he did suffer from dementia, so lost the person I had married and loved--many years before he died.  It just tears your heart out bit by bit.  And like you said, because of that memory lost, you never really get to say that cherished good-bye--when each knows they are leaving each other.  It not only haunts you while they are alive, but continues even after death.  Knowing what I have suffered in this past year and a half, can only urge you to continue to reach out to Peggy every day as you have been doing.  That is the only thing that will carry you through later.

Much love to both you and Peggy!

aims814 said...

Mary Louise, this was so touching...

I think of you and your sister often. When I do, I say a prayer for both of you.



sdrogerson said...

Thinking of you