When I was talking with Peggy this morning, I was aware that I wasn't feeling anything. It was as if my heart was a solid, tightly packed snowball. I felt numb, frozen, with little or no emotion.
After I hung up, I sat with the phone in my hands trying to figure out why I felt that way. So numb, so distant, so cold. Not to Peggy but to my emotions.
There are days when my mind takes over and protects me from the grief of watching her disappear. The grief would swallow me whole if I didn't protect my feelings from time to time. I was letting no emotion come out and no emotion to go into my heart. I needed a frozen day today.
The snowball in my heart protected me from my pain and I needed the break.
Tomorrow, when I talk with Peggy, the snow in my heart might melt and I will become a puddle that becomes a mountain stream as I let the tears flow. I never know how talking with her will affect me until I hear her voice. I keep repeating all the stages of grief with each call.
I try so hard to be strong when I talk with Peggy that I forget that I need to be strong for myself too. Today, I found the strength to back away and get some distance from my grief.
Nancy Reagan said, A woman is like a tea bag; you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
I was in hot water today and I had a snowball in my heart. The coldness helped protect my feelings. Tomorrow, when I hear her voice, there may be only the summer memories that we have shared along the way.
Whatever comes, I know that there are quiet angels who will lift me to my feet when my wings have trouble remembering how to fly. (unknown)
Tomorrow, My snowball heart will melt as I remember the Summer..That Was Peggy.
I Love You Today, Peggy!
Mary Louise
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