Thursday, March 4, 2004

HANGING ON......LETTING GO!

How can I let go of Peggy when I still can't accept the fact that she is going to die?   I feel like she is dangling off the side of a cliff and I am lying on the rocks above holding on to her arm by one hand, refusing to let go. To me, letting go of her would mean that I have given up and I just can't do that today. Maybe tomorrow but not today!

 I have worked hard Not to accept what is happening to Peggy. Trying to change the future for her...for us. Thinking that during my call one day, she would wake up and say...Wow...Where have I been!

 I had forgotten that I will have to work at accepting what Is happening and what Will happen to her. I don't want to accept it because it is so unfair. I still can't let go of her hand. I want to pull her back up on the rocks beside me and hug her and tell her that she is safe. I want to tell her that she will be fine. So, I lie on the rocks above holding on to her with every ounce of strength that I have. I won't let go of her hand today and watch her fall. I will only let go of her hand when she lets go of mine and tells me that she is ready to go.

Alzheimer's is more aggressive when it affects younger people. The Kirkland Clinic in Birmingham rates Alzheimer's patients on a scale of 30 to 0. 30 is normal and 0 is death. When Peggy was first tested 3 years ago, she was at 27.                  Yesterday, she tested at 10.

Alzheimer's is winning! It is standing at the base of the cliff and motioning to Peggy with it's gnarled, crooked fingers. It is telling her to let go and fall. I know that Alzheimer's will win this tug of war. She Will Fall but what the Alzheimer's monster doesn't know is that when she falls she will not land in it's horrible arms. Peggy will land in the soft, welcoming arms of our Mother and Daddy! Alzheimer's may win on earth but it has NO power in heaven!  SO....

Hang on Peggy!  Please, Don't let go of my hand any time soon!

LOVE YOU........MEAN IT!

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise                             

5 comments:

ckays1967 said...

Oh my goodness..........(big tears)............all my love for your journey.


heavy sigh.....love.

rha4497496 said...

I guess the only saving grace in realizing that Peggy doesn't know what is happening. Be strong ML! We are on your side, and when your arm gets tired one of us will hold onto Peggy while you rest. Love, Robyn

auntyeeyee622 said...

I just found and read your journal today.....I couldn't stop....now I'm just bawling. I cant say that I FEEL your pain but being a nurse who has watched the disease in action I KNOW the pain. I have seen it from both the family's end and the patients end. Peggy is so very lucky to have you in her life........Deanna

s0ngbird1962 said...

I read your journal often, I'm just often at a loss of words because there is nothing I can say to comfort you or make this journey you are traveling with Peggy less painful. Just want to say that Peggy is so lucky to have such wonderful loving sisters, your love for her will keep her memory alive long after this horrible disease has taken her. Hugs to you ((((Mary Louise)))) ~~Keep on holding that hand, it will bring you both comfort.

diffyaugie said...

Ultimately, thank your God for blessing you with the time He gave you with your sister; you might have never had the opportunity to know her at all. And one day you will both be reunited, in entirety for eternity. Stay strong and know that you are not alone-you're both in our thoughts and prayers!