Every call to Peggy is different. Today, she was laughing and sounded happy. I like to hear her laugh because it makes me smile and laugh too!
Yesterday was such a bad day!! I was anxious about today's call. Peggy's voice eased the sickness of my flu when I heard her laugh. I still hurt all over and yes, even my hair still hurts but her happy voice made the hurt easier to bare.
Betty Jean and Barbara will be traveling to see Peggy next weekend. I am so glad that they are going for a few days. They will keep in touch with me while they are there. I wasn't able to go and if the truth be known...I really don't want to see Peggy right now. I'm afraid to see her..... at some point, I know that I will have the courage. The calls are difficult enough and I think that if I saw her right now...I just couldn't handle the difference in her. I guess that it sounds very bad and I'm ashamed of feeling this way but it is the way that I feel. I feel like such a Woose.
I'm still trying to work through many issues concerning Peggy. There is so much grief over losing her and watching her live through this living death. Watching her Disappear is the most difficult thing that I have ever had to do.. I feel like I might blow apart if I saw her right now. I'm walking a tightrope of emotions and I know that now is not the right time for me. I saw her last summer and it was so strange. The Peggy that I knew had changed but was still there! But..She Was NOT There.. at the same time!
What makes an Alzheimer's death so very different and difficult to handle is that you cannot say goodbye and start healing. I watch her die over and over again every single day and the grief stays fresh! I never have the chance to heal. I live with an open wound that cannot heal properly and the healing process cannot begin until the day of her death.
Alzheimer's is a vicious disease that takes the mind of someone we love, numbs their thoughts and senses. It leaves family and friends to deal with the pain it causes while we watch our loved one disappear..As we witness this slow, terrible death sentence called Alzheimer's Disease.
I Love You Today, Peggy!