Friday, March 12, 2004


Every call to Peggy is different. Today, she was laughing and sounded happy. I like to hear her laugh because it makes me smile and laugh too!

Yesterday was such a bad day!!  I was anxious about today's call. Peggy's voice  eased the sickness of my flu when I heard her laugh. I still hurt all over and yes, even my hair still hurts but her happy voice made the hurt easier to bare.

Betty Jean and Barbara will be traveling to see Peggy next weekend. I am so glad that they are going for a few days. They will keep in touch with me while they are there. I wasn't able to go and if the truth be known...I really don't want to see Peggy right now. I'm afraid to see her..... at some point, I know that I will have the courage.  The calls are difficult enough and I think that if I saw her right now...I just couldn't handle the difference in her. I guess that it sounds very bad and I'm ashamed of feeling this way but it is the way that I feel. I feel like such a Woose.

I'm still trying to work through many issues concerning Peggy. There is so much grief over losing her and watching her live through this living death. Watching her Disappear is the most difficult thing that I have ever had to do.. I feel like I might blow apart if I saw her right now. I'm walking a tightrope of emotions and I know that now is not the right time for me. I saw her last summer and it was so strange. The Peggy that I knew had changed but was still there! But..She Was NOT There..  at the same time! 

What makes an Alzheimer's death so very different and difficult to handle is that you cannot say goodbye and start healing.  I watch her die over and over again every single day and the grief stays fresh!   I never have the chance to heal. I live with an open wound that cannot heal properly and the healing process cannot begin until the day of her death.

Alzheimer's is a vicious disease that takes the mind of someone we love,  numbs their thoughts and senses. It leaves family and friends to deal with the pain it causes while we watch our loved one disappear..As we witness this slow, terrible death sentence called Alzheimer's Disease.

I Love You Today, Peggy! 

  Mary Louise. 



marlaaguayo said...

Dear Mary Louise,
I have read you r journal a few times now and I must say... I cry every time I read it. Why you might ask? My mother has Alzheimer's Disease.I am her fulltime caregiver.
She was diagnosed 12-2002. She went from taking care of 10 children in her home to sitting and not doing anything in that short year. It breaks my heart to know that SO many people have this dreaded disease.
I am certainly thinking about you and Peggy,say a prayer for you daily.
Take care...

merelyp said...

You are doing so much good with this journal, Mary Louise. I love your analogy to the balance beam. So appropriate. I use the "Olympic Medal landing" theory myself in my classes. Don't you let Alzheimer's win by feeling any guilt. You are entitled to be angry--especially when your darned hair hurts, for heaven's sake! Hope this finds you feeling better.

shayreen1 said...


caragrike said...

ML, When we go to B'ham remember you will be with us because I will take your heavy heart with me. Remember Colorado and the paper plate face of Peg so she would be there too. I will do the same for you. I feel now is the time for me to see her but everyone grieves in a different way. Please feel no guilt. I love you. Caragrike

beppeinpcola said...

ML, don't BAR said, you will bethere with us too. I will be there smiling on the outside but silently crying on the inside. It will not be easy for me, but like BAR, it is time for me to see Peggy. I am so glad that we still can talk to her (or rather hear he voice and laughter when it's there). We will certainly be in touch during this "difficult" visit. Thaks be to GOD. Love you today, Betty Jean