Tuesday, March 2, 2004


It has been a long winter in Ohio. Gray skies and cold day's. This weekend, we had the first taste of spring! I noticed that my daffodils are pushing their heads up through the cold ground.
I just wish that Spring could come to Peggy's mind. I wish that scientist could discover a way to flip a switch in her brain and that would make her memories bloom again.

Alzheimer's has her mind in the grips of winter and it's icy fingers will not let go! In Peggy's world, there will be no warmth of spring this year. No laughter of Summer or colors of fall. Only the Cold, Grey Ice of Winter.

Not only is there winter in Peggy's mind...she has no way of recalling all the Springs, Summers and Falls of her life. The seasons that were full of her beautiful colors. She is living in a cold, dormant, continual winter. I wonder if she misses the seasons? What does she see when she looks at the Spring flowers?

I think that looking out from the Alzheimer's mind would be like seeing every thing in shades of Grey. No colors to warm the mind...only Grey.

I say that because when I talked to her this morning her voice was flat......just like the color Grey. Her voice was cold...just like Winter. Her voice has lost it's joy of the seasons. She wasn't able to communicate any sign of Spring from her mind.

I tried to share my joy of seeing the daffodils with her but she could only respond with Grey.

I Damn this disease, I hate what it is doing to Peggy. She was a person full of beautiful colors and she shared her enthusiasm of life and her joy of colors with everyone.

 Now, she lives in the Cold, Grey world call Alzheimer's.

I will continue my visit's to Peggy's World and hope for the moment when I am able to glimpse some of her colors again. I may only see her colors for a second but it will be worth the trip. 

I am glad that I can still visit the Grey world where Peggy lives. Even though it leaves me with a chill that goes to my bones. Even though it leaves me with tears of frustration. Even though it makes me so angry that I want to break something. I will continue to visit her because one day her Grey World will turn Black and there will be a huge sign that will say...

SORRY...NO VISITORS ALLOWED!   I Love You Today, Peggy! Mary Louise


merelyp said...

Hope is a red bird in a wintergrey world. Thank you for this.

sunnygirl37101 said...

They say that we are not to question the Lord and I know that it is sometimes hard to not question Him but, we have to put our faith in Him and know that He has bigger and better things planned for us! I will pray for you to find strength and inner peace and I will also pray for Peggy, I will pray that she is protected by the Lord each and every day!
You are an amazing sister!
God Bless You!

carolhehe said...

I am so glad you have this journal to write in how you feel. You express your feelings so wonderfully. Thankyou for expressing your hurt and anger towards that devil desease called Alzheimer's. You make me wish I could of known Peggy. What a wonderful person she was. And what a wonderful person you are. So full of life and love.

caragrike said...

ML, One of the comments made was that we were not to question God. Mother Theresa had a great comment to that.....She said "You have alot of explaining to do" and that sums it up for me. caragrike