WORDS TO REMEMBER...A JOURNAL

I came across this little book yesterday. Peggy sent it to me for Christmas, 1998.

The inscription read,

Christmas 1998

To Mary Louise

Words to Remember...A Journal

Purchased in London 1998 (Convent Gorders)

I Love You, Peggy

 

Below the inscription were these words.

A Special Journal to record those precious thoughts,quotations,memories and perhaps humorous words to treasure for a lifetime.

 

Peggy knew my passion for writing all the thoughts that roamed around in my head. Little did she know..when she gave me this gift that in two short years, I would be writing my feelings and thoughts as I watch her disappear from my life. Little did she know that in those short two years she would not remember our past as Sisters.

It has turned cool here again and the sky is Grey today. It was beautiful, sunshiny and warm just days ago. How quickly things can change. How quickly life can change.

Alzheimer's looks Grey to me and sad. It changes a person quickly and their life is forever different, confining and without color.

If I think about it too much, I can get very sad and depressed.. So today, I choose to change the weather in the house. I choose to change the Grey weather in my mind.

I have turned every light in the house on and have happy music blaring from the radio. I will keep the Grey sadness of Alzheimer's outside of my windows and I will not let it into my mind today.  

I will dance to the music and sing to the top of my lungs and I will remember.

I will use my memories to light up my life on this Grey day in my head. I have choices and today, I choose sunshine.

I need the sunshine to give light to the sadness that is Watching Peggy Disappear.  I will keep Peggy close in my heart today as we dance around the kitchen. Just like we did when we were girls.   

My memories of Peggy get me through the Grey times when I am feeling sad and missing her so much.    

I Had a friend. Someone to wake up to in the mornings. Someone to laugh with. Someone to pinch and to punch and to tell tales to, and about! Someone to get into trouble with. Someone to share the blame and the blows and the secrets. Someone to wisper with, to wink at, to make faces at behind the backs of grown-ups. Someone to dreams with, to share plans for the future.Someone to hold hands with, to nudge in church and to kick under the table.Someone to complain to about parental unfairness. Someone to throw a ball too and hold a jump rope, to race and to swim, and to play shutes and ladders with. Above all, someone who shared my blackish sense of humor, who burst into uncontrollable laughter, especially in the face of adversity. That was the best thing about my sister. She was a giggler, Like me!    Molly Parkin     

My head is saying..Shine today Mary Louise but there are still Grey places in my heart that want to hide from the sun and cry. 

So.... The struggle goes on as I Watch Peggy Disappear from My Life.    I have to be careful as I watch her disappear...

 Not to Disappear Myself!            

I Love You Today, Peggy

Mary Louise                                   

SEARCHING FOR BLESSINGS IN GRIEF

There are blessings in grief.  I just have to search to find them.

What has my grief over Watching Peggy Disappear taught me?

 If it has taught me nothing but Anger...my blessings will be lost.

If it has taught me nothing but Bitterness... my blessings will be lost.

If it has taught me nothing but Pain...my blessings will be lost.

If it has taught me nothing but Fear..my blessings will be lost.

If it has taught me nothing but Uncertainty...my blessings will be lost.

If it has taught me nothing but Resentment...my blessings will be lost.

Watching Peggy Disappear has taught me all of those things...Anger, bitterness, pain, fear uncertainty and resentment but it has also taught me more.

Watching Peggy Disappear has taught me......

To live in the Moment.

To appreciate my memories.

To tell the people that I love.. that I love them every single day.

To control my fear and not the other way around.

To find strength in my grieving.

To embrace my grieving and live through it.

To know that nothing is forever..Today is the day.

To know that joy comes not only in perfect words and sentences but in the sound of a voice.

To know that we only have this moment in time.

To know that memories may be all we have of someone that we love.

To know when to let go and when to hold on.

To know that joy can be heard in a voice over the phone. A voice that doesn't know who I am on some days but still knows my familiar sound.

To not take any thing for granted.

To let go of anger that I feel  toward a person.

To enjoy getting in my car and driving to the grocery store.

To appreciate being able to dress myself, to bathe and go to the bathroom alone.

Peggy continues to teach me every day with her courage, her spirit and her struggle to Not give up!

If she can keep working that hard to have a life for herself then...I am so very blessed today!

Out of The Prison of Alzheimer's Disease Peggy has reached inside my soul and touched it to make me a better, more caring person. A more aware and gentle person. A more tender and open person.

She has made me realize the blessing of my everyday life and how special all of my moments are.

She still teaches me through the pain of Watching Her Disappear by the sound of her voice and laughter.

I thank you Peggy for everything that you are and have taught me as you struggle with this disease.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

 

LISTENING WITH MY HEART

When I talk with Peggy now, I have to listen with my heart and not to her words. The words are sometimes confused and so I listen to the expression in her voice instead.

I can tell by the sound of her voice how she is really doing on a given day. Her words do not matter any longer. They can't matter because she can no longer say what she means.

She never gives up trying to communicate. So, I listen with my heart and am thankful that I can still hear her voice. The same Peggy voice that is so familiar to me and makes me feel like I have gone home one more time.

It is easy to hide in words and keep other's from knowing how we really feel.

Peggy doesn't hide in her words. They are words, only words that may or may not make sense to me as I listen to her talk.

I have to listen to her trying to communicate with jumbled words and sentences to know that she loves me and....

I Listen to her with My Heart and not My Head!

 

My sister is my past. She writes my history.

In her eyes, I can recognize myself. Memories only we can share.

She remembers and forgets to remember, she forgives.

She accepts me as I am and I accept her....

With Tender Understanding.          Lisa Lorden

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

WHICH WAY DO I GO?????

 Sometimes, I feel like I need directions for the calls to Peggy.  I just don't know which way to go!!!!!

Peggy was very happy today and laughing. I love to hear her laugh.

I wonder what happens in her brain that makes a happy day?

It is these constant changes that make calling her interesting and scary. I just never know who will be on the other end of the phone line.

I'll just take this happy day and cherish it.

I Love You Today, Peggy

Mary Louise

SNOWBALLS AND SUMMER MEMORIES

When I was talking with Peggy this morning, I was aware that I wasn't feeling anything. It was as if my heart was a solid, tightly packed snowball. I felt numb, frozen, with little or no emotion.

After I hung up, I sat with the phone in my hands trying to figure out why I felt that way. So numb, so distant, so cold. Not to Peggy but to my emotions.

There are days when my mind takes over and protects me from the grief of watching her disappear. The grief would swallow me whole if I didn't protect my feelings  from time to time. I was letting no emotion come out and no emotion to go into my heart. I needed a frozen day today.

The snowball in my heart protected me from my pain and I needed the break.

Tomorrow, when I talk with Peggy, the snow in my heart might melt and I will become a puddle that becomes a mountain stream as I let the tears flow. I never know how talking with her will affect me until I hear her voice. I keep repeating all the stages of grief with each call.

 I try so hard to be strong when I talk with Peggy that I forget that I need to be strong for myself too. Today, I found the strength to back away and get some distance from my grief.

Nancy Reagan said, A woman is like a tea bag; you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

I was in hot water today and I had a snowball in my heart. The coldness helped protect my feelings. Tomorrow, when I hear her voice, there may be only the summer memories that we have shared along the way.

Whatever comes, I know that there are quiet angels who will lift me to my feet when my wings have trouble remembering how to fly. (unknown)

Tomorrow, My snowball heart will melt as I remember the Summer..That Was Peggy.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

 

ONLY A BIRD IN A GILDED CAGE

Rocky

ONLY A BIRD IN A GILDED CAGE!

My husband had always wanted a bird.  So, I bought him a handsome bird and he named the bird, Rocky. I bought Rocky a beautiful cage and we began to try to teach him to talk and sing.

Most of the time, Rocky would just look at us like he had a secret. We would cover the cage at night and uncover it every morning. One morning, when we uncovered the cage Rocky was lying on the bottom, very still. We were so sad because we thought we had given him everything that he needed to live and be happy. We had taken care of all of his needs except...The need to be free.

Alzheimer's Disease has placed Peggy in a beautiful gilded cage. All of her needs are taken care of except...the need to be free.

The Alzheimer's cage can only hold Peggy for a while and then one day...The door will open and she will be free of the cage and can fly again. She will spread her wings and slice through the air. She will soar, circle, dive and be lifted up on the wings of Eagles.

It will be a  sad day for me when I take the cover off of the cage and she isn't there.

It will be a Joyous day for me.. when I take the cover off of the cage and she isn't  there...

The Joy will be knowing that she is finally free of the gilded cage that Alzheimer's Disease has placed her in.  Her clipped wings will be healed and she will once again have the ability to soar and slice through the air.

When she does fly away...I hope that she will fly around my head so that I can see her green eyes shining with freedom. As she circles above, I will have the song in my heart  because I will not see the Winter eyes of Alzheimer's staring back at me but the eyes of a beautiful bird that is free..

Sisters. YES, we're just sisters. Our story is not heroic, not even memorable. But when I need support...I sense you quietly by me. I always will!   Helen Thomson

When we were kids, we took it for granted that there was always a sister on the other end of the teeter-totter. Now, I realize what that really means. How do people get through life if they have to go to a playground by themselves? DonnaMasiejczyk

How will I get through life without Peggy on the other end of my teeter-totter? I will just have to place all of my memories of her in that empty seat.

I love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

I CAN'T REMEMBER TO FORGET!

I can't remember to forget.........

When Peggy came home from the hospital. She was wrapped in a soft white blanket and all I could see was her tiny red face.

When she learned to drink from a straw.

When she followed me everywhere and I would turn to her and sing.."Me and My Shadow".

When she lost her first tooth.

When I could make her cry by singing, "Poor Little Robin".

When she started to first grade and I sat on the play ground steps with her..reassuring her that It would be fun to go to school.

When her teeth were too big for her face.

When she would climb in bed with me at night because she had a bad dream.

When she turned 13 years old and got her first pair of high heels. She wobbled all over the house wearing them for the rest of the day.

When we would sing together for the Senior Citizens at Harrison Park.

When she told me about a boy that she liked when she was in 5th grade.   His name was Paul.

When she had her first real date and all of us enjoyed giving him the 5th degree!

When she was "in Love" for the first time. Memories of Dwight.

When she suffered her first heart break.  More memories of Dwight.

When she was a bridesmaid in my wedding.

When she spent the summer with us waiting for my first child to be born.

When she became engaged.

Her wedding and what a beautiful bride she was.

The birth of her first daughter.

Sitting in a hospital waiting room on our 13th wedding anniversary waiting for her 2nd daughter to be born.

I remember so much about Peggy and just wish that she could remember me and our growing up together! I'll just have to keep those memories safe for her.

My Sister is special to me always, for she is someone who is a part of all the favorite memories that I keep in my heart.

The name Peggy means "A Pearl" and that is what she is and has always been to me.....

A Pearl in the necklace of my life.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

 

FLYING KITES

This is the time of year for flying kites. The March breezes are just right to watch as my kite takes to the air and floats as high or as low as I wish. I am in control of my kite because I have the twine in my hands. I can let the kite out or bring it down when I want. I can make it fly left or right. I have my kite flying as long as there is a breeze for it to float upon.

Peggy is my kite on this March Friday. She is floating high above, going this way and that. I have the twine to her kite in my hands by my phone calls but there is No control. I can't pull her back to me. She is floating away a little more every day.

Some times, her kite pulls so hard that I am fearful that I will have to let go and when I do...She will float away forever. Her kite will break free of my twine and she will be gone.

Alzheimer's has total control of her kite. It lets her out and pulls her back. It controls which way she will go and how high. It will decide when her flying in the clouds is over and it will cut the twine and she will float away.

I can only stand in the field with the broken twine in my hands and watch as the kite that is Peggy....Disappears.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

GOING HOME

When Mother and Daddy died, I felt such a sense of loss.   Even though I was a grown woman, I felt like I was an orphan.  I became aware that no matter how much I wanted too..I could never go home again. I could never walk through the front door of 1805 St. Charles Court and yell...I'm Home!!!   I would never see Mother sitting at the kitchen table drinking her coffee or Daddy working in the back yard. 

 I could never lie on the bed in the front bedroom and sleep soundly knowing that I was home and safe. I could never sit down to a meal at the kitchen table and hear all the familiar voices of my childhood.

This is what it feels like to watch Peggy disappear with Alzheimer's Disease.         The part of my life that was shared with Peggy is over and I can never go Home to her again.    Just like Mother and Daddy...she is no longer there. She is no longer Home.

 The house she has lived in is being emptied.... One piece of furniture at a time.

All I can do is stand in the front yard and watch as all her belongings are loaded onto a truck. All of the furniture that made Peggy who she was is being loaded in a moving van and being taken to a destination that I can never visit. 

Every call that I make to her confirms that she is leaving.

As I watch the truck pull away...I can see Peggy leaning out of the window, waving and smiling. I hear her saying,

Goodbye, M. L. Be happy for me because.......

I am going Home!!

All I can do is smile at her and wave as she leaves. Tears choke my voice as I wisper...Goodbye Peggy. I'll miss you more than You can Remember!

Happy is the person who knows what to remember of the past, what to enjoy in the present, and what to plan for the future.                A. Glason

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

NIGHT TIME AND LONELY

It's strange how I can feel so Lonely at night and so Full during the day.

I can't get to sleep tonight. Too many memories of too many things.

Not just of Peggy but of all of my life!  Good Memories and Bad.

Why do they visit me in the night when I feel so tired????

Just Breathe....... and take one memory at a time and one day at a time!

Peggy was always there when I felt this way.... Now, Tonight...There is just me...

By myself...

I Will get through this night because...My Mother always told us..This Too Shall Pass!

You are strong. You have "The Colley Pride"!

I miss you, Peggy. I miss your strength when I feel so weak.

I Do have all the Strength from our Mother and I am thankful for that tonight!

It will be a long night but I Am Not Alone.....

Thank you...To All Of the People Who Love Me.....Who let me know that they care.

This Too Shall Pass and Tomorrow will Be..  A New Day....

I Love You Peggy, BettyJean, Barbara, Johnny...

WE ARE FAMILY!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU are with me as I struggle to get to sleep tonight.

Mary Louise

 

THEN AND NOW

Dear Peggy:

I Remember You Then.. and smile at the wonderful, funny memories that I have of you and all of us.

I Remember You Now.. And I am proud of your Strength and Determination.

I Remember You Then..And can still feel the warmth of your smile.

I Remember You Now..And can still hear your laughter..Thank You.

I Remember You Then..And see your green eye's dancing with mischief.

I Remember You Now.. And see "The Eyes Of Winter."

I RememberYou Then..As a person always on the go.

I Remember You Now..As a person who can only go...If Taken.

I Remember You Then..As a Sister who knew the song in my heart and we could sing it together.

I Remember You Now..As a Sister who has forgotten how to sing. 

I Remember You Then.. Because "Remembering Forever" is a nice, comforting thought.

I Remember You Now..Because all we really have is "This Moment in Time."

I Remember You Then..And I miss the "You" that you were.

I Remember You Now..And I miss "You."

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

CALLING PEGGY

Every call to Peggy is different. Today, she was laughing and sounded happy. I like to hear her laugh because it makes me smile and laugh too!

Yesterday was such a bad day!!  I was anxious about today's call. Peggy's voice  eased the sickness of my flu when I heard her laugh. I still hurt all over and yes, even my hair still hurts but her happy voice made the hurt easier to bare.

Betty Jean and Barbara will be traveling to see Peggy next weekend. I am so glad that they are going for a few days. They will keep in touch with me while they are there. I wasn't able to go and if the truth be known...I really don't want to see Peggy right now. I'm afraid to see her..... at some point, I know that I will have the courage.  The calls are difficult enough and I think that if I saw her right now...I just couldn't handle the difference in her. I guess that it sounds very bad and I'm ashamed of feeling this way but it is the way that I feel. I feel like such a Woose.

I'm still trying to work through many issues concerning Peggy. There is so much grief over losing her and watching her live through this living death. Watching her Disappear is the most difficult thing that I have ever had to do.. I feel like I might blow apart if I saw her right now. I'm walking a tightrope of emotions and I know that now is not the right time for me. I saw her last summer and it was so strange. The Peggy that I knew had changed but was still there! But..She Was NOT There..  at the same time! 

What makes an Alzheimer's death so very different and difficult to handle is that you cannot say goodbye and start healing.  I watch her die over and over again every single day and the grief stays fresh!   I never have the chance to heal. I live with an open wound that cannot heal properly and the healing process cannot begin until the day of her death.

Alzheimer's is a vicious disease that takes the mind of someone we love,  numbs their thoughts and senses. It leaves family and friends to deal with the pain it causes while we watch our loved one disappear..As we witness this slow, terrible death sentence called Alzheimer's Disease.

I Love You Today, Peggy! 

  Mary Louise. 

 

TRYING TO BE O.K.

I am thankful for the break through in Alzheimer's detection. At the same time...I am am feeling so much sadness that it came too late to help Peggy.

She couldn't talk to me today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe...Tomorrow.

It feels like my heart is lying in little pieces all over the floor this morning. It has been a crying day, a sad day.

I miss my sister, Peggy. I miss our talks when one of us has had a lousy week.    This has been a lousy week for me, health wise. Everything hurts, even my hair!       I know that I will get better but I know that Peggy will only get worse.

So, with everything hurting, even my hair...I am crawling around on the floor with a basket. I am looking for the pieces of my heart that I threw away in frustration.

After I find my heart, I will wrap up in a blanket and curl up on the sofa and cry until I go to sleep. A good cry is all the words that my heart can't say! It is a cleansing of the soul.   It is washing out my heart so it will be clean and ready to make that call to Peggy tomorrow.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise  

ALZHEIMER'S.. DETECTED WITH PET SCAN

I opened my paper this morning to see these headlines. Alzheimer's test made more affordable! New PET scan can  diagnose ALZ! A hospital in our city is using the newest scanner for Alzheimer's detection. Early detection is important because the new drugs work best when they are started early in the course of dementia. Before this scan was available many people were mis-diagnosed. If you suspect that you or some one you love may have Alzheimer's Disease...Make sure you INSIST on this Alzheimer's Memories Check PET Scan because it can confirm or rule out Alzheimer's Disease. This is an exciting break through. Too late for Peggy but just in time for many others.

The newspaper article states....Losing your car keys is no cause for concern. Losing your way home is!  The benign things aren't a problem--going to the kitchen and forgetting why, forgetting where you put your car keys, forgetting somebody's name occasionally. But if you are getting lost in an area you should be familiar with, forgetting your children's names or being told the same thing several times, those are more complex interactions.

It took Doctor's a long time to diagnose Peggy, almost a year!  With this Memories check Pet Scan..she could have been diagnosed earlier and started the drugs earlier and maybe she....... would have had more time with us.

If you would like to read the article go to...http://www.daytondailynews.com           It is in the March 9, 2004 edition, Life section

I Love You Today, Peggy

Mary Louise

 

KEEPING MY BALANCE

No one was home when I called Peggy this morning and I have to admit that I was relieved. I also felt guilty about feeling relieved. It is difficult to keep my balance when making my calls to Peggy every day.    

When my girls were young, they were involved in gymnastics. I was always concerned  when they took their turn on the balance beam. It was so high off the gym floor and it was a narrow strip of wood.  They would mount the beam and start their routines.  They would go through their paces with determined looks on their faces, trying to get through their routines without falling. I would breathe a sigh of relief when their time on the beam was over. They would jump to the floor, holding the end of the beam. They would throw their hands in the air and smile broadly as if they had won an Olympic Medal. They had done it! They had not fallen off the Beam!

 I sometimes feel like I am walking on a balance beam when I talk with Peggy.  I am doing a familiar routine that doesn't get easier with practice. No matter how many times I call and do my routine, I still have a hard time staying on the beam. I continue to try too hard to do the perfect routine and touch Peggy's mind on some level. I continue to try and win that  allusive Olympic Medal, jump to the floor and throw my hands in the air.... In Victory. I constantly need to remind myself that this is not a contest with winners and medals. No one wins this game with Alzheimer's except Alzheimer's.

It is difficult to keep one's balance while caring about a loved one with Alzheimer's. The routine and music constantly change. A routine that worked yesterday will not work today.

Today, I did not have to mount the balance beam and do my routine. I did not have to put one foot in front of the other and walk down the narrow strip of wood. It was a needed relief.

 Now, all I need to do is to practice my routine for the next call to Peggy. I continue to hope that I am making a difference in her life. I just go through my routine every day and hope that she knows me and knows that I Love Her.

 I will stay on the Balance beam for as long as Peggy can hear Love.  I still cannot believe that this has happened to her. I miss her so.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

 

RUMMAGING IN THE ATTIC OF MY HEART

 Peggy's  voice was little and soft this morning but she said that she is O. K. She didn't sound O.K. to me and so I pushed a little. She kept saying she was O. K so I let it drop. She started on the new Alzheimer's medication yesterday so that might have changed her mood. I pray that it works and gives her a little more time.

I have been rummaging in the attic of my heart this morning. So many images of Peggy are stored there. I needed to go through the attic and find the happy images that I placed in my heart boxes and tied with ribbons.

I needed to bring back my smile....I lost it yesterday when I found out Peggy has already reached the number 10.. I could tell by talking to her that she was worse but it is easy for me to play mind games. The number 10 blew my games right off the board.

I wanted everyone to see the funny side of Peggy. The Peggy before she was struck by Alzheimer's Disease 3 years ago. She was a funny, beautiful, delightful, intelligent person and I miss her more than I can write. After you see the pictures...You will see why I am holding tightly to her hands!

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

HANGING ON......LETTING GO!

How can I let go of Peggy when I still can't accept the fact that she is going to die?   I feel like she is dangling off the side of a cliff and I am lying on the rocks above holding on to her arm by one hand, refusing to let go. To me, letting go of her would mean that I have given up and I just can't do that today. Maybe tomorrow but not today!

 I have worked hard Not to accept what is happening to Peggy. Trying to change the future for her...for us. Thinking that during my call one day, she would wake up and say...Wow...Where have I been!

 I had forgotten that I will have to work at accepting what Is happening and what Will happen to her. I don't want to accept it because it is so unfair. I still can't let go of her hand. I want to pull her back up on the rocks beside me and hug her and tell her that she is safe. I want to tell her that she will be fine. So, I lie on the rocks above holding on to her with every ounce of strength that I have. I won't let go of her hand today and watch her fall. I will only let go of her hand when she lets go of mine and tells me that she is ready to go.

Alzheimer's is more aggressive when it affects younger people. The Kirkland Clinic in Birmingham rates Alzheimer's patients on a scale of 30 to 0. 30 is normal and 0 is death. When Peggy was first tested 3 years ago, she was at 27.                  Yesterday, she tested at 10.

Alzheimer's is winning! It is standing at the base of the cliff and motioning to Peggy with it's gnarled, crooked fingers. It is telling her to let go and fall. I know that Alzheimer's will win this tug of war. She Will Fall but what the Alzheimer's monster doesn't know is that when she falls she will not land in it's horrible arms. Peggy will land in the soft, welcoming arms of our Mother and Daddy! Alzheimer's may win on earth but it has NO power in heaven!  SO....

Hang on Peggy!  Please, Don't let go of my hand any time soon!

LOVE YOU........MEAN IT!

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise                             

THE COLD, GREY WORLD OF ALZHEIMER'S

It has been a long winter in Ohio. Gray skies and cold day's. This weekend, we had the first taste of spring! I noticed that my daffodils are pushing their heads up through the cold ground.
I just wish that Spring could come to Peggy's mind. I wish that scientist could discover a way to flip a switch in her brain and that would make her memories bloom again.

Alzheimer's has her mind in the grips of winter and it's icy fingers will not let go! In Peggy's world, there will be no warmth of spring this year. No laughter of Summer or colors of fall. Only the Cold, Grey Ice of Winter.

Not only is there winter in Peggy's mind...she has no way of recalling all the Springs, Summers and Falls of her life. The seasons that were full of her beautiful colors. She is living in a cold, dormant, continual winter. I wonder if she misses the seasons? What does she see when she looks at the Spring flowers?

I think that looking out from the Alzheimer's mind would be like seeing every thing in shades of Grey. No colors to warm the mind...only Grey.

I say that because when I talked to her this morning her voice was flat......just like the color Grey. Her voice was cold...just like Winter. Her voice has lost it's joy of the seasons. She wasn't able to communicate any sign of Spring from her mind.

I tried to share my joy of seeing the daffodils with her but she could only respond with Grey.

I Damn this disease, I hate what it is doing to Peggy. She was a person full of beautiful colors and she shared her enthusiasm of life and her joy of colors with everyone.

 Now, she lives in the Cold, Grey world call Alzheimer's.

I will continue my visit's to Peggy's World and hope for the moment when I am able to glimpse some of her colors again. I may only see her colors for a second but it will be worth the trip. 

I am glad that I can still visit the Grey world where Peggy lives. Even though it leaves me with a chill that goes to my bones. Even though it leaves me with tears of frustration. Even though it makes me so angry that I want to break something. I will continue to visit her because one day her Grey World will turn Black and there will be a huge sign that will say...

SORRY...NO VISITORS ALLOWED!   I Love You Today, Peggy! Mary Louise

THE LAST GIFT

Yesterday, I found a little book that Peggy had sent to me one Christmas. I sat down and read it and it made me smile.

Our Sisters gifts did not need to be big or expensive. They were just gifts that said, I love you and remember you. We never waited for special days to send one another a gift. If we found something that made us think of a special sister...we bought it and sent it to each other.

The little book that Peggy gave to me cost $6.99 and has 28 pages. It is my treasure today. The name of the book is,"The Wonder of Sisters". The last page holds these words... "friends come and go but sisters are forever".

The book is special to me for several reasons. One is that it was my last Christmas gift from Peggy and the other is that she wrote these words on the first page. They are the last written words that I have from her. She simply said,

To M.L.   I Love You    Christmas 2000      Peggy.

She cannot talk to me today or write words to me but that's O K because I have "The Little Book".

I have the book that she took the time to find and send to me one Christmas. I have a treasure to keep and it will always make me feel closer to Peggy when I read it.

Take the time to let someone that you love know that you are thinking of them.       It just might be the "Last Gift".

My sister is my heart. She opens doors to rooms that I never knew were there. She breaks down walls that I don't recall building. She lights my darkest corners with the sparkle in her eyes.......Lisa Lorden

I miss the sister connection that I had with Peggy and I miss the sparkle in her eyes but...I have a little book that helps me remember. I have her last Christmas gift to me, "The Wonders of Sisters"

Thank you, Peggy for the Last gift... given in a Sister's Love.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise