It is getting harder and harder to carry on a conversation with Peggy. I keep reminding myself that somewhere in her being she remembers the "we" that we were." I was physically tired when I finished my call this morning and I know that it will only get worse as the disease progresses.
I am also aware that I am angry that this has happened to her. I am angry that there is no cure on the horizon and even if it was...it would probably be too late for Peggy.
I get frustrated as I try to balance my own fear of getting the disease with reality. I cannot protect her and I can not protect myself from the pain it has brought into my life. I can use the pain to grow as a person and that is my goal.
I am living a balancing act every day. Trying to sound happy and up when I want to give up trying to make a difference. I am also aware that all of the sorrows of my life get mixed into my sadness over Peggy. Trying to keep all of those things separated is difficult.
Now, this big sister can do nothing but ride beside Peggy on her journey to disappear. It is not a good road to travel because there are no road signs or speed limits to guide us as we continue our trip. I wish an Alzheimer's Police Officer would stop this speeding car and give me directions because I am totally lost. I just need to stay in the middle and keep my eyes on the road and on the journey that still lies ahead. All that I know today, is that this trip will get harder and there will be potholes and bumps to dodge as we travel.
All we can do is Hang On and I will keep my arms around Peggy's shoulders. We might even roll down the windows so that we can yell...WOOO HOOO, Look at us world! We are speeding, dodging potholes and bumps and we have No Idea where we are going but we have on our seat belts and most important...we are traveling this road Together. And one day..
Peggy's trip will be completed and she will have reached her destination. She will be safe at the place called...... Home and I will be there.. cheering for her!
Having a Sister is like having a Best Friend that you can't get rid of. You know that whatever you do, they'll still be there! Amy Li
I love you today, Peggy!
Mary Louise
3 comments:
ML, I talked to Peg yesterday and I am sure she didn't know me. Without asking questions, I struggle just to keep a conversation going. All she would say is yes to anything I said. Ricky Van Shelton had a great country song and one line was "keep your hands on the wheel and keep it between the lines". Keep writing, please so everyone can know about Alzheimers. I love you! caragrike
Some theorize that encouraging story-telling aids US in coping with where their time warps are taking them--I am not totally sure if it helps the patient!
Keep sharing this ache and these beautifully written memories! Peace to you!
thank you for this link to your journal with your comments in my poem blog. This is one beautiful piece of work--and fabulous therapy not only for you but for anyone else coping with this disease that victimizes relatives (I'm convinced) far more than its patients. I have done a tiny bit of research on Alzheimer's, find it fascinating.
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