MAZE: A confusing, intricate network of pathways.
I felt as though I was in a maze this morning while talking to Peggy. Her voice was flat and it felt like she couldn't wait to get off the phone. She was cool and distant. I thought a couple of times that she might hang up on me.
Every path that I took in the maze was blocked. I had to turn around and try a different path to reach her. I went down the path of humor...blocked. I went down the path of telling childhood memories...blocked. I went down the path of questions...blocked. It was draining and frustrating. I couldn't reach her at all this morning.
I felt empty, sad and frustrated because just yesterday, she called me by name. Today, I was a stranger who bothered her by my call.
I know that there will be days like this so why wasn't I better prepared? Why was I shocked and hurt? I know that she can't help the way she was this morning. I know that I am the one who has to find our way through this Alzheimer's maze. She has no ability to do that. It is up to me to be better prepared for her different moods.
The up's and down's of The Alzheimer's Maze keeps me off balance. I found myself wishing that I had not called her this morning. It has gotten my day off to a bad start.
I get angry with myself when I feel this way because I can be more prepared. I started feeling safe with her because the past few calls were good and happy. I let my guard down and was totally unprepared for the coldness of Peggys voice this morning.
This Maze is scary at times. It is frustrating, It is smothering.
Just when I feel that I am reaching Peggy, she runs to a different part of the Maze and I am left to search for a way to find her so that I can communicate my love and care.
There are day's like today when I just want to find a safe corner in the Maze and sit, hugging my knees and cry... because Tears are the words that your heart can't say. There are no words this morning...Only the tears cried in my little corner of the Alzheimer's Maze.
I Love You Today, Peggy.