Thursday, February 19, 2004

THE GIANT BLACKBOARD ERASER

Alzheimer's Disease is like a blackboard eraser. It stands before the blackboard of Peggy's mind and with several swipes, slowly and surely wipes her mind clean. Yesterday's have been erased. Today, is a chalk mark that will be erased as soon as it is written. It will leave only a faint mark that can't be understood. Peggy's future has been completely erased.

The Alzheimer's Eraser stays busy. Every day it successfully makes another swipe on Peggy's mind and it will continue until she is completely erased and disappears.

I have been told when I was 3 years old, I would reply to everything with...              I Can't Formember. Peggy is living those words. She cannot "formember" her life or our times together as Sister's.

What would it be like if my mind was a blackboard with no writing? Or if the only thing on the blackboard of my mind were scribbled lines that I could not interpret. What if I had no way to tell people what was going on with me. It scares me to think of things like that, of being totally dependent and blank. 

The interesting part of this disease is that Peggy doesn't seem to mind at all. She is fine living with a blank blackboard. I am the one who keeps trying to write our memories on the blank slate in her mind. I'm the one who is trying to write the commentary of Her life back on her blackboard. She is just fine and doesn't seem to worry at all. While I worry about it all the time.

   I think that I need to learn something from Peggy and from Alzheimer's. I need to learn to let go, stop trying to control a situation where there is no control. I need to step back from this situation and focus of the good things about her life.                   I keep working so hard to make a difference to her that I don't "Formember" to let go and take a day at a time. I am going to work on Not worring about the tomorrow's of Peggy's battle with Alzheimer's and just appreciate what I have with her today.

I believe in the sun even when it is not shining. I believe in love...even when I do not feel it from Peggy

Cease to inquire whatever the future has in store and take as a gift, whatever the day brings forth.....  Horace

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

3 comments:

s0ngbird1962 said...

Mary Louise, I often read your journal, but don't always comment. Sometimes I'm at a loss for words. I work with Alzhiemer's patients & truly believe that this cruel disease is hardest on the families who watch hopelessly as their loved ones slip away a day at a time. Your entries are truly an inspiration to those who are traveling the same path with you... Could I ask a question, how old is Peggy? If too personal, I understand. PS: glad she said your name 2 days in a row : )

itsjustusinnc said...

Hey Mary Louise!

This is my first tiem coming across a journal of yours. What an incredibly touching and sad story. And what a wonderful spirit you have! I'm sitting here now practically moved to tears on just one entry. Not to so much tears of sadness as tears brought on by an overwhelming sense of inspiration. Thank you!

Gregg

blufaery84 said...

Mary Louise!!! I am loss for words as well. Bless you and Peggy! You are a deep inspiration for all of us who read your journals!!!