THE ALZHEIMER'S BAD DREAM

It seems that every day there is something new to deal with while talking to Peggy.

Yesterday and today when the conversation ended, I would tell her that I loved her today and then say good-bye. She would say good-bye but not hang up the phone.      I said, I'll call you tomorrow, bye. She would say bye and not hang up the phone. This went on for a few times before I realized that she didn't remember that she needed to hang up the phone. Finally, I said, I Love You, Peggy. I'll call you tomorrow. You can hang up the phone now. She said, O. K. and did.

It took a while before I was able to write today. The words just stirred around in my heart and wouldn't come out. Just a simple task like hanging up the phone...Gone!  At least it has been this way for these two day's. It might all change next week.        I never know what to expect or how to prepare my heart when I call and talk to her.               

I used the words "Talk TO her" and not WITH her because she can no longer carry on a conversation. I just keep talking and she answers with one word. I am thankful that she can still  repeat what is said to her. She has Not given up and knowing Peggy...She never will!

The sitter told me this morning that Peggy had a big smile on her face when she told her that I on the phone. So, I guess it is worth all of the pain that it causes my heart to call every day.

Alzheimer's pokes at her brain every minute with the precision of a swordsman.       It uses a sharp blade to cut out a little more of Peggy's memory.                                I can almost hear the clanging of the sword's metal in her speech each day. It is an unfair duel because Peggy has no way of picking up her sword and fighting back.

I still have trouble believing that this is happening to her.

Maybe, I'll wake up one morning and find that this has all been a Very Bad Dream!         

A Horrible dream about the disease Alzheimer's and my Baby Sister, Peggy.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW

Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high. There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby.

Somewhere over the rainbow, Skies are blue. And the dreams that you dare to dream Really do come true.

Someday, I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me.

Where troubles melt like lemon drops away above the chimney top's. That's where you'll find me.

Some where over the rainbow, blue birds fly

If birds fly over the rainbow...........

Why then, Oh Why Can't I???????

I miss you Peggy and I'll continue to call daily and help you get over your Rainbow. Your voice was sad this morning..It was as if you know that you are leaving. I miss you more than You Know or Can Remember. I hope that you find your rainbow and a way to get over it. I only wish that there was more that I could do. I felt totally helpless this morning. I wanted to make You laugh...instead...I could only cry as you said Goodbye. You leave a little more each day and that hurts my heart because you are young and have so much left to do in this world..

I'll always think of you when I see a rainbow because your heart and eyes once shined with all it's beautiful colors.

Alzheimer's has taken that away from you but I will remember your shine and I will keep it in my heart.

Mary Louise

ALZHEIMER'S GAME OF HIDE AND SEEK

Have you ever played the game of Hide and Seek? Peggy and I would play that game when we were children.

We would usually play it on a rainy day when we couldn't play outside. I would close my eye's and count to ten while she scrambled to find a hiding place. I could always find her because she would hide in the same place every time. I always knew she was under the bed in the back bedroom. I could find her even if I had not known her special hiding place because she could never stop giggling!  All I had to do was follow the giggles and... there she was!

She could never figure out how I could find her so fast! I would tell her to find another hiding place but she always went back under the bed in the back bedroom and  would lie there with one foot hanging out, giggling.

Now, Peggy is hiding and I cannot find her. The game is not so simple any more. I do not have her giggles to lead me to her hiding place.

 Alzheimer's has taught her how to play The Hide and Seek game very well! 

Alzheimer's has taught her how to hide and not giggle. It has taught her to find a hiding place where no one has any chance of finding her.

Alzheimer's was hiding Peggy this morning and I couldn't find her.  There were no giggles to lead me to the place where she was hiding so that I could yell, You're It, while I ran back to home base.

Maybe, I should  check under the bed in the back bedroom......

 Just One More Time.

 

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

THE ALZHEIMER'S OCEAN

I am learning that there are many levels of grief. Today, I talked with Peggy and didn't tear up or feel bad when I hung up the phone. She was no different today than on most days.  I was the one who was different. I didn't expect to get anything back nor did I try to get her to remember.

Grief is like standing on a beach and watching the waves roll in and roll out. Some day's, there is a storm at sea and the waves come in with such force that they literally knock me over. Today, the waves were small and easy to feel and watch as they slid back into the ocean.  

 When I bring my memories to the shore of the daily calls, I cause the waves to get rough. It is when I expect to get something back from Peggy that I cause my own stormy seas.

Today, I didn't expect to get anything back from her. I just wanted to hear her voice and the sea in my heart was calm.

I wish that I could learn to be a buoy and never let the waves knock me over again. But...I know me and I also know that there will still be those calls when I stand on the shore of my remembrances and try to get something back. There will be those days when I drop my anchor and try to get her to remember..... When I do, then I am the one who will cause the stormy sea in my heart.

Peggy is sailing in a beautiful ship, on a sea of glass. She has no fear of  rough seas or the storms that I see in the distance.

 I am the sailor who keeps trying to bring her back to the shore before the storms come. I am the sailor who keeps dropping the anchor instead of being the buoy that rocks on the waves and rides out the storm with her.

I have much to learn about grief and how it is affecting me. I will try hard to ride the waves as they come. I will try to realize that my grief is like the ocean and the waves will continue. They will always roll in and they will never stop touching the shore of my heart. I will continue to stand facing the ocean and watching the approaching storms. And I know that I can not stop the waves from washing Peggy away, no matter how hard I try.. I will just strive to be her anchor in the storm as I continue to learn  how to be a Buoy!

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

 

THE ALZHEIMER'S FOREIGN LANGUAGE

Have you ever been in a place where the noise level is so high that you cannot communicate with the person that you are with? Or in a place where a foreign language is being spoken and you cannot understand what is being said?

When this happens, I find myself speaking louder and slowing my words. Thinking that louder, slower words with hand and face gestures will get my point across. Even with all of that work, the other person looks at you with perplexed facial expressions. They use their hands to say, What? What?

Conversations with a person who has Alzheimer's can feel like that. One word answers to questions that may or may not make sense. Communication by words is not possible.

Peggy tries so hard when I talk with her. I can feel her working to sound normal. I try not to ask many questions because I don't want to put her in an uncomfortable place. We didn't talk long this morning because I ran out of things to say. I ran out of witty conversation and I didn't have the energy to get through the wall of Alzheimer's to where she is..Then, I thought of the song " To Where You Are."

"Who's to say for certain, maybe your still here. I feel you all around me, your memory's so clear. Deep in the stillness, I can hear you speak. Your still an inspiration, can it be.  Are you gently sleeping here inside my dream? And isn't faith believing all power can't be seen. As my heart holds you, just one beat away...I Cherish All You Gave Me Every Day"!

 Peggy and I do not speak the same language any longer. We cannot understand each other now when we talk. All  that we can still understand is the familiar sound of our voices. That is all we have left... but at Least we have that!

I miss Peggy! I miss her wit and humor. I miss her advice and her care. I miss her jokes and her concern. There is so much to miss about Peggy as she disappears but at least... for now, I can still hear her familiar voice. That was a comfort during my call this morning.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

MARY LOUISE AND PEGGY

When I started writing my journal, I never thought about anyone reading it or even caring about my grief. It was and continues to be my therapy.

I am very thankful for the comments of support that I have gotten over the months of writing. It has helped me more than any of you could possibly know.

Thank you for caring about our family and especially for caring about Peggy.

Thank you for believing in me before I believed in myself.

THANK YOU FOR ALL OF YOUR ENCOURAGEMENT TO CONTINUE WRITING ABOUT PEGGY AND THE GRIEF THAT I EXPERIENCE AS I WATCH HER DISAPPEAR.

Mary Louise

WE DON'T HAVE YESTERDAY OR TOMORROW BUT WE HAVE TODAY!

When Peggy took the phone this morning, there was sadness in her voice! I wanted to reach through the phone lines and give her a hug. I told her that everything would be O. K.  I shut my eyes, when I said that because I knew that I was lying. 

 I asked her who was there today. She said, Mother and Daddy.                   (Mother & Daddy are dead) 

After my call, I felt sad. Then I thought, I should not be sad because Peggy was privileged to see and talk with Mother and Daddy today!

I really believe that they were with her this morning. I would love to see and talk with them.....    Just one more time!

 I am glad that they were with Peggy and I know that they will stay close to her as she disappears. 

I asked Peggy to give them a big kiss for me and she said that she would.             I'm wearing pink lipstick and I think it would look good on Daddy's bald head and on Mother's forehead this morning!

We don't have yesterday or tomorrow...but We Have Today!

I Love You Today, Peggy!   Mary Louise

THE GIANT BLACKBOARD ERASER

Alzheimer's Disease is like a blackboard eraser. It stands before the blackboard of Peggy's mind and with several swipes, slowly and surely wipes her mind clean. Yesterday's have been erased. Today, is a chalk mark that will be erased as soon as it is written. It will leave only a faint mark that can't be understood. Peggy's future has been completely erased.

The Alzheimer's Eraser stays busy. Every day it successfully makes another swipe on Peggy's mind and it will continue until she is completely erased and disappears.

I have been told when I was 3 years old, I would reply to everything with...              I Can't Formember. Peggy is living those words. She cannot "formember" her life or our times together as Sister's.

What would it be like if my mind was a blackboard with no writing? Or if the only thing on the blackboard of my mind were scribbled lines that I could not interpret. What if I had no way to tell people what was going on with me. It scares me to think of things like that, of being totally dependent and blank. 

The interesting part of this disease is that Peggy doesn't seem to mind at all. She is fine living with a blank blackboard. I am the one who keeps trying to write our memories on the blank slate in her mind. I'm the one who is trying to write the commentary of Her life back on her blackboard. She is just fine and doesn't seem to worry at all. While I worry about it all the time.

   I think that I need to learn something from Peggy and from Alzheimer's. I need to learn to let go, stop trying to control a situation where there is no control. I need to step back from this situation and focus of the good things about her life.                   I keep working so hard to make a difference to her that I don't "Formember" to let go and take a day at a time. I am going to work on Not worring about the tomorrow's of Peggy's battle with Alzheimer's and just appreciate what I have with her today.

I believe in the sun even when it is not shining. I believe in love...even when I do not feel it from Peggy

Cease to inquire whatever the future has in store and take as a gift, whatever the day brings forth.....  Horace

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

THE ALZHEIMER'S MAZE

MAZE: A confusing, intricate network of pathways.

I felt as though I was in a maze this morning while talking to Peggy. Her voice was flat and it felt like she couldn't wait to get off the phone. She was cool and distant.  I thought a couple of times that she might hang up on me.

Every path that I took in the maze was blocked.  I had to turn around and try a different path to reach her. I went down the path of humor...blocked. I went down the path of telling childhood memories...blocked. I went down the path of questions...blocked. It was draining and frustrating. I couldn't reach her at all this morning.

I felt empty, sad and frustrated because just yesterday, she called me by name. Today, I was a stranger who bothered her by my call.

I know that there will be days like this so why wasn't I better prepared? Why was I shocked and hurt? I know that she can't help the way she was this morning.  I know that I am the one who has to find our way through this Alzheimer's maze. She has no ability to do that. It is up to me to be better prepared for her different moods.

The up's and down's of  The Alzheimer's Maze keeps me off balance. I found myself wishing that I had not called her this morning. It has gotten my day off to a bad start.

I get angry with myself when I feel this way because I can be more prepared. I started feeling safe with her because the past few calls were good and happy. I let my guard down and was totally unprepared for the coldness of Peggys voice this morning.

This Maze is scary at times. It is frustrating, It is smothering.

Just when I feel that I am reaching Peggy, she runs to a different part of the Maze and I am left to search for a way to find her so that I can communicate my love and care.

There are day's like today when I just want to find a safe corner in the Maze and sit, hugging my knees and cry... because Tears are the words that your heart can't say. There are no words this morning...Only the tears cried in my little corner of the Alzheimer's Maze.

I Love You Today, Peggy.

Mary Louise

THE SPOON COLLECTION

This morning, I decided to do early spring cleaning. I went downstairs to tackle    "The Room"!   This room is the room that we store everything that we are not using. It is packed with memorabilia, funiture and with things that I'm not quite sure why or how they found their way to "The Room".  Looking around, I spotted the box that holds my Spoon collection. I collected spoons for many years and have silver and gold spoons from all over the world. 

I sat down to look at the collection and I came across one spoon that made me laugh.  It is a spoon that Peggy made and sent to me years ago. The spoon is plastic and broken and has the name of the tiny town where she lived at the time, printed in red fingernail polish.

The little town where Peggy lived did not have souvenir spoons. They were not even a dot on the map back then. I remember laughing the day that the spoon arrived in the mail. I remember laughing again when I proudly placed it on my spoon rack . There it was... displayed in all it's glory right beside the expensive spoons of the world that were in my collection.

I called Peggy this morning to tell her that I had found the spoon. I told her the story of the spoon and how she had made it for me but she didn't remember. I remember though and it will make me smile every time that I see it and think of the day that it arrived.  It is the spoon that made me laugh back then and maded me laugh this morning.                   

Alzheimer's may be making Peggy disappear but the memories that we have made together will live on in my heart.

I'm glad that I found my special spoon from Ama, Louisiana this morning. It is a treasure from Peggy and I will keep it safe.

I Love You Today, Peggy!  

Blessed are those who can give without remembering!

Mary Louise                   

 

THE EYES OF WINTER

 Alzheimer's disease is marked by a devastating mental decline. Intellectual functions such as memory, comprehension, and speech deteriorate.

The Brain Of Alzheimer's.

I went to the post office and pulled into the car slot beside a couple that looked to be in their 70's. The women looked at me and I knew immediately that she has Alzheimer's Disease. She had a blank stare but watched me with interest. Her husband came back to the car and they left. I said a prayer for her and her husband.

I sat in my car thinking about the disease and what it does to a person.  I wondered what the lady was like before this happened to her. Was she a fun person like Peggy? I also wondered how long she has had the disease. Maybe, she had more time to live and remember her life than Peggy has had. I hoped so.

Driving home, I noticed the bare trees against a gray sky. I  remembered when they were full of green leaves shining, against a blue sky.  I  remembered when the leaves turned beautiful colors and fell to the ground.

 I thought about the seasons of Alzheimer's Disease. The seasons that devastate the mind and destroy memories that it took a life time to accumulate.

The Spring of Alzheimer's, when the disease starts to bloom.. The Summer, when memory starts to fail and forgetfulness becomes more often. The Fall, when memories start to drop off one by one. The Winter, when the mind is blank. 

Then, the person with Alzheimer's finally developes the "Eyes of Winter".            These eye's have the innocent stare of a new born baby searching a face and trying to focus.

 Alzheimer's reverses time. A person goes from a fully functioning adult to a helpless baby.  But this Baby Adult has no future...Only a date with the inevitable.

I Love You Today, Peggy.

Thank you for saying my name again this morning.

Mary Louise

THESE ARE THE WOMEN WE COME FROM

These are the Women we come from..Women with backbone, keepers of the flame. With a spirit that even hard times couldn't tame.

 The women of our family passed these things to us..Grace, dignity,determination, spirit, intelligence,charm,stubbornness,conviction,boldness, sense of humor, independence,courage,spunk,faith and heart. And so much more.

Josh Groban has a song that expresses exactly why the women in our family are strong. "You Raised Me Up"

When I am down and Oh my soul so weary. When troubles come and my heart burdened be.Then I am still and wait here in the silence. Until you come and sit a while with me. You raised me up so I can stand on mountains. You raised me up to walk on stormy seas. I am strong when I am on your shoulders. You raised me up to all that I can be. You raised me up...To More than I can be.

We have many strong Women and Men in our family who"Raised Us Up and taught us to be Strong with Soft Edges.

They continue to stay close today so that we may stand on their shoulders as we watch our Sister, Peggy...Disappear!

Mary Louise

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PEGGY!

I called Peggy to sing Happy Birthday to her. The sitter said that she has gotten many calls this morning. She was in a happy mood when she took the phone. Then she gave me a Wonderful gift! She said, Hey Louise!!! It took me off guard and I cried. I have been waiting for 2 years to hear her say my name. Thank you, Peggy.

I sang Happy Birthday to her while she laughed. I asked her if this was a good day and she said..Good.  At least, I can take comfort in knowing she is happy and well taken care of each day.

Birthday's were always special day's when we were growing up.   Mother made "our Day" a day to remember. I have wonderful memories of my birthdays and I am sad that Peggy doesn't remember the times when the whole day was about her.

Peggy was born on Friday the 13th. Mother always said that most people thought Friday the 13th was a bad day but to her...It was the luckiest, happiest day of her life because Peggy was born!

So, Happy Birthday, Peggy Jane. I wish that I could add..Many, Many More!  

             This is a special Friday the 13th, indeed! I had the priviledge of singing Happy Birthday to my Sister, My Forever Friend and she said my Name!

I love you today, Peggy!            Happy,Happy Birthday!!!           Mary Louise

THE ALZHEIMER'S TRAIN AND PEGGY

There is some research being done in the Alzheimer's Field. A new study is trying to figure out why the memories of the brain are erased first. Maybe, there will be a cure in the future but it will be far in the future because the funds are not available to support more study.

There is more money spent on research to find libdo enhancing drugs than on research for major diseases, including Alzheimer's Disease. This makes me angry.

Peggy is still a young woman who is lost in time. She is marking time now with no past and no future. My Sister is dying but Hoo Ray... a 70 year old man can have his libdo back for a few hours! I am not against research of this kind but lets get our prioriities straight. What good will the money spent on this kind of research do if that same 70 year old man developes Alzheimer's Disease and can't remember what the little blue pill is used for!

Peggy still has so much pride. This morning, she would answer my questions completely out of context but her voice was calm and strong. I felt like she wanted me to know that she is fine. She doesn't want me to worry so she puts up a solid front. The problem is that I want to cry when she does this. The sitter said that she could not get her to eat this morning. I asked Peggy if she had eaten her eggs and she said, (voice strong and calm) sometime. I just act as though she has answered my question and go on. Why won't you eat the eggs? Do they look bad? She answered, I see.

Peggy is running out of time. She has stepped into a train that is traveling at blazing speeds and this train makes No stops. I see her face pressed against the glass as she passes every station...knowing that she can never get off and that the train will never slow down. The train has crushed the memories of her past and of her future beneath its massive wheels. It keeps accelerating down the tracks of her mind and crushes the "Now" as soon as it is thought. It will only come to a stop when  the Alzheimer's train makes the decision that her trip has ended.

In my dreams...I am powerful enough to stop the train on its tracks. I  find Peggy  and we run, hand in hand away from the train... to freedom.

 Good stories always must end with.....

And then, everyone lived happily ever after.

 I love you today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

WE ARE FAMILY!

Peggy wasn't home this morning. The sitter said that she was taken to the dentist by Richard.

I haven't spoken about Peggy's husband but I admire him and the loving way that he is taking care of Peggy. He balances his work with coming home and being there for her at all times. They are still young and this should be the time in their lives when they are having fun together, being a couple and playing together. They always did so much together. Tennis, golf and other activities and they were always going somewhere to do something.

 Peggy also has support from a loving sister-in-law who makes sure she gets out and about. I send my love and thanks to Darlene.

Peggy's daughters are also there for her.  How difficult it must be for them as they  witness the deterioration of their Mother! I Love you, Melodie and Brooke.

Their family bond is strong and they are all committed to making this as easy as possible for Peggy. They are a unique family and  I am thankful that Peggy has such love surrounding her every day.

It is difficult for me to make the phone calls and that is such a Small Thing compared to what they deal with every day. They are witnessing the disappearance of Peggy  on a daily basis. 

 When I start to feel sorry for myself...I just think of the strong people that they have become. 

Today, I send my love and thanks to Peggy's family. I am proud that they call me  Sister-in-Law, Aunt and friend. All of us, husband, daughter's, family member's, Sister's and Brother are doing the best that we can. We are all dealing with this tragedy on our own terms and in our own time.

Like the song say's.

WE ARE FAMILY.....

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

HANGING ON... FOR THE RIDE!

It is getting harder and harder to carry on a conversation with Peggy. I keep reminding myself that somewhere in her being she remembers the "we" that we were."  I was physically tired when I finished my call this morning and I know that it will only get worse as the disease progresses.

I am also aware that I am angry that this has happened to her. I am angry that there is no cure on the horizon and even if it was...it would probably be too late for Peggy.

 I get frustrated as I try to balance my own fear of getting the disease with reality. I cannot protect her and I can not protect myself from the pain it has brought into my life. I can use the pain to grow as a person and that is my goal.

I am living a balancing act every day. Trying to sound happy and up when I want to give up trying to make a difference. I am also aware that all of the sorrows of my life get mixed into my sadness over Peggy. Trying to keep all of those things separated is difficult. 

Now, this big sister can do nothing but ride beside Peggy on her journey to disappear.  It is not a good road to travel because there are no road signs or speed limits to guide us as we continue our trip. I wish an Alzheimer's Police Officer would stop this speeding car and give me directions because I am totally lost. I just need to stay in the middle and keep my eyes on the road and on the journey that still lies ahead. All that I know today, is that this trip will get harder and there will be potholes and bumps to dodge as we travel.

All we can do is Hang On and I will keep my arms around Peggy's shoulders. We might even roll down the windows so that we can yell...WOOO HOOO, Look at us world! We are speeding, dodging potholes and bumps and we have No Idea where we are going but we have on our seat belts and  most important...we are traveling  this road Together. And one day..

 Peggy's trip will be completed and she will have reached her destination. She will be safe at the place called...... Home and I will be there.. cheering for her!

Having a Sister is like having a Best Friend that you can't get rid of. You know that whatever you do, they'll still be there!     Amy Li

I love you today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

The Child in Me..Missing Peggy today!

Peggy was quiet this morning. Her voice was strong and she sounded happy but didn't want to talk. I babbled on for a while and then said goodbye.

I held the phone in my hand and just sat there for a while. I traveled back in my mind to the Summer day's when we were young girls.

 I went back to our summer day's of roller skating and jumping rope.  Of double dares and snail hop scotch.

The day's of going bare foot and stumping our big toe's. 

The day's of playing dolls on the side porch.

The day's of playing in the water from the garden hose and the day's of being allowed to play in the rain.

The day's filled with running and shouting and just being little girls. The day's of care free freedom. The day's when we misbehaved and had to find our own switch on the bush in the back yard.

 The day's of leaving the house in the morning and playing outside until dark, only coming home when we heard our Mother's call.  The day's of feeling safe in our neighboorhood and every one's Mother was looking out for you. The day's of spending the night with friends and having friends spend the night at our house.

The day's of hanging up the.... just washed clothes for Mother on the clothes line in the back yard and seeing our starched petticoats stretched out in a circle. The rows and rows of wet clothes that we would have to take down, bring inside and fold when they were dry.

The day's of singing in the kitchen when we cleaned up after supper. A meal called "The Cold plate" when the heat of summer was too much! The day's of Swimming at Woodward pool.

The day's of roller skates that attached to your shoes and needed a skate key, which was kept on a string around your wrist or neck.

The day's of cheese sandwiches and grape cool aid. The day's of moon pies and  musketeer bars that were divided in three's.

The day's of warm summer fun and Now...

A Day of Warm Summer memories to keep for the next time that Peggy doesn't want to talk to me.

Memories are my comfort on this cold winter's day in Ohio. The child in me is remembering and keeping warm with... Our Childhood Summer Day's that are gone but never forgotten!

I love you and miss you today, Peggy.

Mary Louise

The Windows To The Soul

When I look in a mirror..I see me. I see the me that I have seen since I was old enough to look in a mirror. A little older every year but still me.

I wonder what Peggy sees when she views her reflection in a mirror? Has Alzherimer's altered who she sees looking back at her? Does she see someone that she doesn't recognize? Does she identify with her image or does she see a total stranger?

One of the major changes that I have noticed in Peggy.. is her eyes!

Peggy had big, beautiful, expressive green eyes. They could dance with mischief or give a cold hard stare but most of the time, her eyes would twinkle with laughter.

As her Alzheimer's progresses, I notice that her eyes look more like black holes than eyes. They are devoid of expression and I don't see reflections of memory or emotion any  longer.                           

If the Eyes are the Windows to the Soul, Peggy's eyes have had black shades drawn over them. 

Alzherimer's has closed and locked theWindows to Peggy's Soul. It is going about it's business of extinguishing the lights that made her eyes shine, one light at a time. It  is sucessfully causing Peggy to disappear before our eyes!

Alzheimer's is a cruel disease that strips a person of who they were. It shuts down the mind and closes the Windows of the Soul and I think...Laughs at the power it has to take a Lighted Life and turn off the power that made it shine.

The one thing that Alzheimer's cannot do.... is erase the memories of Peggy from Our minds.

 It has No power to turn off the Lights to the Peggy that we all remember.

 Alzheimer's Disease may be powerful but NOT powerful enough to close the Windows to Our Souls. That is where our memories of Peggy are Very Safe and Very Bright and will always Shine and Light Our Hearts!!

I love you today, Peggy

Mary Louise

Needing New Strength!

I talked to Peggy this morning. I haven't been able to reach her since last Friday.

I didn't feel like writing yesterday and nothing much to say today.

 I'm just in a blue period, when it comes to Peggy and missing the connection that we shared.

This morning's call was hard because she just repeated what I said to her.  

Most calls, it doesn't bother me but today...it did.

It is times like this when I  feel used up emotionally and don't have much energy to do the work to communciate with her.

She is still the same sweet person on the phone. It's me...

 I don't want to expose myself to the daily calls that upset me when I am struggling with issues of my own.

I just want her to wake up and be the Peggy that I knew and not this stranger that sounds like Peggy.

Now, I'm feeling sorry for myself but I think that it is allowed on blue days and this has been a Blue Day!

Take care tonight, Peggy.

I will call you tomorrow morning as alway's.  We are Sisters and we Made the

LOVE YOU-MEAN IT promise when we were small.

I miss you so much!  I will feel better tomorrow.         Because.......

The Lord is my Shepard, I have everything I need!

He lets me rest in meadow grass and leads me beside the quiet streams.

He Gives Me New Strength.       Psalm 23:1-3

I love you today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

 

 

Living in "The Dash"

No one answered when I called Peggy this morning so I left a message and told her that I loved her today.

I couldn't help but think of a day in the future when I will never hear her voice again. 

 It was a morbid moment and I tried to shake it from my mind.  Then I thought.....  it wouldn't have to be morbid at all.  

When Peggy is gone from us, her grave stone will have her name, her date of birth and the date of her death.

I have heard that...

It's not the Birth date or the Death date's on a grave stone that are important...

It is the DASH between the dates.

The Dash indicates how we have lived our lives!

 We are all living "our Dashes".

Peggy has lived and is living her Dash to the Fullest. She still gives and loves as she continues to disappear from our lives!

This journey with Peggy is teaching me so many important lessons. Making my dash count is one of those lessons.

This is a quote from Barbara Bush.........At the end of your life,You will never regret..

 not having passed one more test.

 not winning one more verdict. 

 not closing one more deal.

You Will regret...  Not spending time... with a husband, a friend, a child or a parent.               

Thank you again, Peggy for being my teacher.

To have a loving relationship with a sister is not simply to have a buddy or confidante---It is to have a Soul Mate for Life........Victoria Secunda

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise