Thursday, February 3, 2005


I talked with Peggy today. If I asked her a question or made a statement all she would say was, Huh?

It was as if she had trouble hearing what I was saying. The volume of her life is being turned lower and lower.

Have you ever used a tube of toothpaste until it is nearly gone? You take your fingers and flatten out the tube and press from the bottom of the tube to the top to get a little more toothpaste to brush your teeth.

If you don't get enough doing that, you start rolling the tube from the bottom. Slowly some tooth paste appears and you can brush your teeth.

The next time you need to brush your teeth, you do the rolling thing again but this time after rolling the tube you bend it from side to side until a little tooth paste rises to the top.

The next time you reach for the toothpaste, you roll the tube from side to side and when that doesn't work, you stick your toothbrush down into the opening of the tube and get just enough toothpaste to brush one last time.

That is what it is like trying to talk with Peggy now.

She is like the empty tube of toothpaste. You can see just a little of her but there is no way to get anything out of her. No way to communicate and no way to have a conversation with her.

It has been like that all week. Her tube of life is used up and she has nothing much left to give.

I think she is entering another phase of the disease and is slipping further away.

I  really thought that if I keep calling and reminding her that I love her that it will help.

I am losing that hope.

Peggy is dying and I can do nothing but try and get a little life from her every day. I keep rolling and pressing the tube that was Peggy to get any kind of a response and now, nothing is coming out.

Alzheimer's disease has taken a knife and cut off the bottom of the tube that was Peggy and all of who she was and who she could be has run out the bottom of the tube and is gone forever.

I love You Today, Peggy and I miss you!

Mary Louise


memkynme said...

Just know that you have no guilt. You have been there for her all the years as sisters ...and even now you haven't Deserted her even in the last stages will you either I bet . My husband had the stroke as I told you before But his mind is leaving as Peggy but a different way .I am now having to pul lup and go back to a place where it's cold ...why ? hope to keep his mind active... and it's what he wants!  not me``````` I love Fla everything about it ...But the Lord has showed me the way ...It's what  need to take to take him home to be around family. So I truly feel where your coming from.. and the Love you share with her and all that you have shared over the years Let that be the memories you keep tucked away in your heart ... LOVE is also letting go when you know you have to when that time comes .. accept what ever you have  ... even if she doesn't know you Dear sweet sister YOU still know and can enjoy what every you havebecause you know her . May you be Bless and Our Lord be with you alaways ...And sometimes if you need someone to talk to ...send me a e-mail it's just one  click away ...

wendy4145 said...

I think your phone calls did help.   I am sure your phone calls helped Peggy from the first part of this disease to now.  I'm glad you were there for her like God is there for us...  No matter where we are, God is with us.  That is how you seem to be with Peggy.  If you were God, She'd be with you too.


sanforized6 said...

She has fought the good fight, and you have been her "corner" man. The final decision is out of your hands. BUT, you've been the one thatt got her there. You've been fantastic, and your stories make me cry, but a good cry, from the heart. rich

marymnbob said...

Mary Louise, are you familiar with the verse "Angels lift you up when our wings forget to fly"?  Peggy has forgotten how to fly, but when God is ready, His Angel will lift Peggy. She will then remember howto fly and She will wait for You.
Right now, you continue to hold onto the memories. One day,you will share them with Peggy again.  God Bless you,dear  mary

tuggertoo2 said...

How old is Peggy?  How old was she when she was diagnosed?

sunnyside46 said...

I can hear your heartache in your words. I am very touched. May you find the strength you need.

rwebb29742 said...

Louise,  Your journal is a tribute to the wonderful love you have for your sister.  This demonstrates the hurt you feel in losing your sister and there is nothing you can do to stop this terrible disease.  My heart goes out to you  and you are in my prayers. I know what you are feeling and experiencing as my Mother has the same disease.  However, she is much older and to watch someone so young with so much life ahead must be devastating.  Only with God's help can one go through this horror.  Your journal is so touching .. God bless.   Love,  Jackie