Sunday, February 20, 2005


Peggy saw her Doctor last week. I received the news, last evening that she has reached the stage of Alzheimer's disease where she will need nursing home care.

I knew it was coming and I knew she was worse but it was easy to pretend.

I thought that I had cried every tear in my body over losing Peggy. Surprise...There was a under ground spring that rose to the surface last evening when I heard the news.

The day has arrived when Peggy's husband will have to make the decision of his life. The decision to put Peggy into a nursing facility.

He is struggling with what to do and when to do it.

He has been a rock for Peggy. He is still a young man and this is a decision that he never thought that he would have to make.

I tried to put myself in his place and thought about what it would be like if I were making this decision about my husband. The pain was very real as I went through the thought process of thinking about losing my husband. Making the decision to take him out of our home and put him into a Nursing facility

I cried, thinking of the empty place that putting him in a nursing home would bring to my life.

I also felt a sense of relief that the constant, 24 hour would be in the hands of others. But there was also a feeling of intense loneliness that crept into my heart.

I felt so many emotions that I was relieved when I could pull back from the pain and know that I did not have to make this decision about my husband, my life.

I support my brother-in-law in this decision and when he thinks that it is the right time. I know that Peggy would also support this decision.

Please keep him in your prayers as he makes the decision of a lifetime. The decision that he can no longer care for Peggy the way that she needs to be taken care of. That he can no longer keep her with home.

The decision to...let go.

I knew the day was getting close when Peggy wouldn't talk or listen to me when I called her. She would just lay the phone down.

My voice was no longer helping her because she is living in a world of strangers.

My voice was not reaching her on any level because she had forgotten my voice and that we are sisters.

My heart is breaking as I write this morning because it has finally reached my heart that Peggy has begun her final disappearance from my life

 I knew this daywas coming but now that it is arriving...I feel blind sided.

It was easy to pretend, to think that my calls were helping her to stay, to stay a little longer.

Some of my grief is the realization that I am not as powerful as I thought that I was in Peggy's life.

I wanted to save her, to be the one who was able to get through to her.

This morning, in my grief.......I have come face to face with me.

A me that is not powerful at all but just a sister who can do nothing but...

Watch My Sister...Disappear for good.

I Love You, Peggy and will continue to write about you and what this grief feels like as you continue to disappear.

I hope that you know on some level, that you have helped a lot of people because of your story.

My Sister, My forever Friend...I Love You Today and Always!

It is true that you are disappearing from this world but never from the hearts who have known and loved you along the short way called.....Your life.

I received this message in a e-mail this morning and have adapted it to fit Peggy......

When Peggy came into this world she was crying......and everyone else around her was smiling.

As she continues to disappear from this world...She is smiling and everyone else around her is crying!

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise


lacaza3 said...

I'm so sorry I thought about you and peggy when I watch the movie the notebook...It is about a husband love for his wife who is suffering with alzheimers...It was the most beautiful story of love....
He was a man refusing to leave his wife side...To him she was still his sweetheart...The movie told there life story...
God it was the most beautiful story of life ,happiness and love...
I was profoundly effected and will be until the day I die...I will pray for you ....
Donna In TEXAS

barbpinion said...

Following along in your entries has been difficult for me. Even trying to imagine your pain is useless. I am so very sorry that you're hurting so terribly right now. The one consolation you have is the knowledge that one day you will see Peggy again. I look forward to that wonderful day; when I will be reunited with loved ones lost. They too will be free from what ailed them;from what stole their minds, energy, lives. Keeping all of you in prayer. Much love. *Barb*

magogos said...

Mary Louise, I am so sorry that such a decision has to be made, and I will continue to keep you all in my prayers. But as I sit here crying, I know that Peggy is blessed to be loved so powerfully by so many, and you are blessed, too, for sharing your long goodbye with us. Thank you so much, and please continue to take care of yourself. Many Blessings, Margo

wendy4145 said...

I am glad that Peggy is smiling.  I am sorry that family members are crying.  I think that you are powerful in regard to peggy.  but no one can stop a disease.  Peggy had touched our lives in a very sweet way due to your journal.  I have learned a lot too.  As Peggy loses conciousness with her mind, you say she is smiling.  I think she is dancing with the angels. =)  I pray that God continue to be with her.  And i do pray for the decision that is being made in Peggy's life right now.

God Bless!

marymnbob said...

Mary Louise, if I make mistakes in my typing tonight, it is only because my tears are blurring my eyes. I do so understand how you feel right now. I had to make the same decision with my Mom. She had reached a point that I could no longer tend to her as she deserved. I was scared to death, because I had no way of knowing if I was placing her in a good place. I guess I had never prayed so hard about anything in my life. Thank God, He did send Her to a very good place. They all love her there and She gets good attention. There are two ladies there who are over 100 years old.   I pray God will Bless you and your Brother-in- law through this time of trial. I will be checking your journal often to see how things are going.

mosie1944 said...

You are performing such a good deed with this journal.  Thank you.

lindainspokane said...

i feel so sad today...i knew over the course of months that i have read your journal that this day (and a few more sad days) would come and u would share them with us...we never like to hear the news as it gets worse...i feel so bad for your whole family...peggys husband has the hardest desicion to make and im sure he doesnt even know which way to go right now...just be there for him and let him know that whatever he decides u are right there beside always my thoughts and prayers are with u and your whole family...especially peggy, that she is in no pain in this terrible lonely journey of hers...God Bless You All...


sanforized6 said...

Another sad, but beautiful, story. I'm sure we all wish we could help you with your sorrow. You have been a pillar for your sister. rich

trishaham said...

I just read this entry. I am so sorry to hear the latest on Peggy. My heart goes out to you and your family, especially Peggy's husband. What a heart rendering decision to have to make. I will pray that he finds the strength and courage he will need as this journey in his life continues its course.
God Bless.

dimundntheruf69 said...

I am so sorry for you and your family....My thoughts and prayers are with you.....I have only been reading your journal recently....but already.....I feel the pain of your loss and I also have learned that I need to appreciate the time that I have left with my own sister who I love so very much....Thank you for sharing...christie