Tuesday, February 8, 2005

FINDING THE RIGHT WORDS

I called Peggy today and must admit that I was relieved when the voice mail message came on.

I left her a message and told her that I loved her today.

I'm not sure how much longer she will be able to take my calls. She is slipping away a little more each day.

It is stressful to try and find the right words to say to her. She cannot carry on any type of conservation any longer. I  now worry that I am causing her more stress by trying to make her talk to me.

Talking to Peggy now is like trying to catch water in my hands. The harder I try to hold on to her, the faster she is slipping through my hands.

Notice I said, talking TO Peggy as apposed to talking With Peggy.

 I feel as though I am talking to a brick wall now and the echoes of my own voice are bouncing back to me.

I must make a decision soon about my calls to her. Is it causing more stress than it is helping her?

I am in a low place today and not sure which way to go or what to try next.

I know that I cannot bring her back and maybe, it is time to let her go.

I don't think that she would miss me or my calls at all. In fact, I know that she wouldn't.

Why should she....Because.........

How do you carry on a conservation with a stranger?

How do you carry on any type of conservation with someone who doesn't have the slightest idea of who you are?

There is a point where words are not enough and I wonder if I have reached that point with Peggy.

I really thought that if anyone could make a difference in her life that it would be me. I was mistaken because my sister doesn't remember who I am or why I call her every day.

Just feeling sorry for myself today.....sorry that I can only Watch as....

My Sister...Disappears.

I Love You Today, Peggy

Mary Louise

12 comments:

dimundntheruf69 said...

she may not miss you, but you will miss her....she may not remember that you call or why you called, but you will know....she may not know why you tell her that you love her, but you know what makes you say it to her....and long after she remembers nothing at all, you will remember everything.....

wendy4145 said...

the hardest part is here.  not knowing when/how or whether to say good bye.

what to do next....  only god has the best answer to that question.

you have shared such creative thoughts through out this whole journal.  Maybe you can go be with Peggy in person now.

You would know if that is best or not.

prayers.
love
wendy

motoxmom72 said...

God gives you the ability to maintain and remember what Peggy no longer can.  You can remember laughter, tears, good times and bad.  I have heard family members of those with the same affliction comment that at times it's a blessing that they don't remember who loved ones are--especially when difficult or tragic things occur all around the afflicted person.  Peggy might not be able to remember you and you feel like you are speaking to a brick wall.  So sorry that you have hit a big bump in this road and it is throwing you off today.  You were hoping to make a difference in Peggy's life.....but let me tell you-you are making a profound difference in the lives of those in J-land who read your daily entries.  Pick your chin up and smile.
Hugs,
Gina

lavernwest said...

Please don't stop calling Peggy.  Having gone through with my husband, what you are going through, I can assure you there are some lucid times, and it is then you are rewarded one hundred fold for not giving up.  They may not have the words to answer, but I feel so confident that our love gets through, and they know we are trying to reach them--and that may be the only thing that is keeping them connected to reality.  Prior to my husband's death, when I was by his bedside one night with tears in my eyes, he reached over and took my hand, as if to say I'm still here for you.  That mere jesture, when nothing else seemed to get through, is still a very consoling thought for me.  Don't give up.  Continue to tell her each day that you love her.  She hears it, and deep down, I am sure it does mean a lot to her, at least for that moment in time.  You both are in my prayers.

lindainspokane said...

mary louise...

none of us can give u the answer...u have to do what is best for u and peggy...i am sure though even if peggy doesnt even realize that u have stopped calling it will hurt u more...i think you calling her as often as u do is your last chance to say goodbye...i dont know if u could bear the burden u put on yourself if u were to stop calling and then u get a call saying she had passed away...u would have a hard time forgiving yourself...this is just my opinion....i have been thinking a lot lately about peggys kids and husband...how are they doing? are they still all together? i pray often for peggy, you, and the whole family...its such a sad story for all of u...much love to u...

linda
http://journals.aol.com/lindainspokane/LifewithLinny
http://journals.aol.com/lindainspokane/LinnysLuciousLickings

sanforized6 said...

I think you are at the point where you have to do what you WANT to do. She, obviously, does not know, nor will she remember, anything you say or do. So, the solution lies in you. Do what you can live with, don't ever let it overwhelm you. You.ve fought the good fight, take consolation in that. rich

candespinn said...

Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.    Dale Carnegie

: taking your hand as we fight to triumph against this ugly disease, squeezing it tight to let you know, you are not alone :  I pray the good Lord will bring you the answers you are searching for, Mary Louise, I pray that he will bless you and Peggy.


barbpinion said...

Honey, whether you get a response from Peggy or not, you know that the love you gave was never wasted. And there WILL come a day when you'll be together again. She'll remember you on that day. GOD has made that possible. Much love.
*Barb*

paisly27 said...

((((MLH))))....I just wanted to send a simple hug.  I have read your journal for many months now.  As I struggle with the onset of my own mothers alzheimers, your words have often given me a voice and comfort for things that I was unable to come to terms with.  So...I guess I just want to thank you and also say somehow to stay strong.  This is a horrible and cruel disease.  And for the times you feel low, mad or even sorry for yourself, I hope you give yourself the freedom to let it out.  This is a very hard journey...I hope you continue to cherish your special memories, keep your faith in the love that you shared with your sister.  Hang in there-and thank you for the words that I have been unable to face or express.

marymnbob said...

Mary Louise, i'm sure that you have your visits with the Lord,but make a special visit and ask Him to lead you to do the right thing. the thing that you can live with without guilt. He will speak to you and guide you.
i find myself asking if i did all i could for my Mom, but then i realize that i fought the fight as long as i could. My Mom doesn't know me now, but i know she will someday.
Peggy has gone on a journey for awhile. Somewhere deep inside her, you are embedded. the day will come when she will find you again.
i feel guilty if i don't go to see Mom as often as i can. but when i go, it is so hard because as you say, i can't comunicate with her. i talk and she hears my voice, but it could be the voice of anyone.  
 dear, you have fought a long hard fight. you have nothing to feel guilty about.
Bless you ml.  love, mary

marymnbob said...

Mary Louise, i'm sure that you have your visits with the Lord,but make a special visit and ask Him to lead you to do the right thing. the thing that you can live with without guilt. He will speak to you and guide you.
i find myself asking if i did all i could for my Mom, but then i realize that i fought the fight as long as i could. My Mom doesn't know me now, but i know she will someday.
Peggy has gone on a journey for awhile. Somewhere deep inside her, you are embedded. the day will come when she will find you again.
i feel guilty if i don't go to see Mom as often as i can. but when i go, it is so hard because as you say, i can't comunicate with her. i talk and she hears my voice, but it could be the voice of anyone.  
 dear, you have fought a long hard fight. you have nothing to feel guilty about.
Bless you ml.  love, mary

lynspr said...

Mary Louise,
We are created to be in relationship...with each other and with our Creator.  What a heartache to be in relationship with your sister who cannot respond in a way that continues a conversation of familiarity and love!  No response leaves such a void.  What choices are we left with...to fill it with our own words, our own doubts, or just let it be.  

Yet, I wonder if the gift you continue to give in the daily phone call to her is one of presence...I am with you today...I love you today and always.  I see it at the hospital when families stay by the side of a comatose loved one who never wakes up.  We can put no earthly measurement to the power of our presence.  I sometimes think...hope?... God mediates in those moments so that what is communicated is what is most needed...familiarity and love.  

John sent me to your website yesterday to read your greeting card suggestions.  He said Peggy would have loved it.  I laughed and cried.  May God's peace surround you.  Linda