Peggy was happy this morning. Her voice had a lilt to it and she was laughing. It was as if she had a private joke that she couldn't share with me.
Even though I told her my name and that I was her sister...she had no idea who I was and that creates an empty place inside of me.
I asked her what was making her so happy today and she said that it was a good hair day.
It feels good to hear her familiar voice and it feels sad to know that she thinks that she is talking with a stranger.
Sometimes, she sounds so normal that I want to scream at her and say...Stop this act, Peggy! It's not funny!
I know that it is not an act and that she can't help what Alzheimer's has done to her mind. It is just so frustrating to hear her sound so happy when I am in such pain.
Sometimes, after a call like today, I get angry and vow that I will not call again and feel so completely shut out. I lecture myself and decide that I will not keep making these calls to Peggy.
Then, I remind myself that I am the healthy one here and need to quit feeling so sorry for myself. I just miss her so much and it hurts to my bones to realize that she does not think of me or miss me the way that I do her.
My feelings today are like the old saying "stuck between a rock and a hard place."
Why do I find myself in this place today when Peggy was so happy?
I think it is because we cannot share our happy any longer. There is no "two way street" in our relationship. The relationship is very one-sided and I have to carry the burden of being forgotten while she laughs. It is a laughter that can no longer be shared because I have nothing to laugh about.
It is difficult for my healthy mind to comprehend that Peggy has forgotten who we were.
I am sad and angry because I have lost my sister, my forever friend.
There is not a single thing that I can do but watch her disappear a little more every day.
It feels like I am standing on the deck of The Titanic. The ship is sinking, the music is playing, all the life boats have been filled and are in the distance.
Here I stand, hanging on to Peggy and the railing of the huge ship as it continues to sink...
Here I stand, waiting for the cold water of Alzheimer's to wash Peggy down into the sea.
Here I stand.......
While The Band Plays On......
I Love You Today, Peggy!