Monday, November 29, 2004


Tears...While Peggy continues to disappear.

I wonder what it would feel like to have no emotion or to have no tears to Peggy.

Crying is a purification of the mind and body. It is a necessary part of living. We cry tears of happiness and joy and tears of deep sorrow.

We cry and cleanse our souls of built up, stuffed in, damned up feelings.

I have cried many tears as I watch Peggy disappear from my life.

There are days when the tears fall freely.... without my permission.

There are days when I try to hold the tears inside and yet they creep to my eyelids, pool there and wait to slide down my face.

There are days when I get in the shower, turn the shower head on my face and let my tears mingled with the water and run down the drain.

I cry tears in a card store, reading cards and I am moved by the words that I am reading.

There are times when I would like to run in a field and scream all the tears of my life with abandon.  

Tears can slide slowly from my eyes or in a great river.

I have realized since Peggy began to disappear from my life that I am not just crying the tears of losing her.

Her illness has given me the permission to cry. A permission that I had denied myself from a very early age.

When my Mother would switch my legs for some wrong doing, I would stand there and will myself to not cry. I would repeat to myself, I will not cry, I will not cry.

I had always taken great pride in saying that I was not a crier.          I had denied myself the right to cry for many years. I had saved most of the tears of pain and loss suffered in my life. I saved all of them inside of my soul behind the massive damn that I had built.

The pain that I am feeling over losing Peggy has opened the damn of the saved tears of my life and because of her....

I am able to cry.............. All the tears of my life!

It has been a purification of my soul and a cleaning of my heart. It has been a release of the painful tears stored behind a damn for so many years.

Now, I am crying all the tears of my life while I continue to.......

Watch my Sister...Disappear.

Thank you, Peggy for giving me the permission to cry.

Your illness has set my tears free and is cleansing my heart and my soul.

You continue to teach me how to live by your dying and I thank you. I thank you for all the lessons that I am learning while I continue to watch as you disappear from my life.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise


sarajanesmiles said...

(((((hugs))))) to you my dear.
Tears are indeed a good thing, it's not healthy to hold emotions inside.  You cry those tears hon, if it helps, you cry a bucket load of tears.  
Sara   x

magogos said...

I am as glad for your freedom to cry as I am sorry that Peggy had to get ill for you to find them. Crying is a blessing many of us were not allowed in our younger years. Blessings, Margo

ceecie817 said...

Mary Louise,
May it comfort you to know that your sister remembers you, she remembers you young and beautiful and full of life and hope. She remembers your childhood. Sometimes at night, she wakes to check on you. You are her sister and she loves you. I work with Alzheimers patients, and that is what happens at night. Your entries are beautiful.

stormie4851 said...


shedtheshellnow said...

Your journal is so moving and touching.  Thanks for sharing your thoughts, feelings, and insights as you go through this terrible journey with your sister.

My mother-in-law has Alzheimer's and so does a dear friend of our family.  He actually wrote a book about his experiences and was featured on Oprah.  The book is called Losing My Mind and it's a very good read---just like your journal.

Take care and all the best, Eileen :-)