Tuesday, November 23, 2004

BALANCE

I was gone last week and I didn't call Peggy during my time away but I thought of her every day. I started to call so many times but felt that I needed a break. I felt guilty about not calling....

On the plane ride home, I wondered if Peggy missed my calls. I knew in my heart that she didn't but still held on to the hope. She had no idea who I was when I called yesterday. I asked her if she was excited about Thanksgiving and she said, yes. I finished the call by telling her that I loved her today and would call her tomorrow.

I remember so many wonderful Thanksgivings at 1805 St. Charles Court when we were growing up. I can still smell the smells of home on Thanksgiving morning. It was a big deal to watch the Macy's Parade as we set the table for a 3:00pm dinner.

Peggy and I always got so excited when Santa came in at the end of the parade. It meant that the Christmas season had begun in our house.

It is still that way to me today. I see Santa at the close of the parade and still get that old, childhood thrill.

I am thankful that Peggy is still with us this Thanksgiving, if only in body.

Peggy's illness has tipped the scale of my daily living from one end to the other. I have thought a lot about what is important and what is not.

I used to spend hours cleaning my house and fussing about small things that had to be done. I wanted everything just so and worked for hours to make it happen.

Now, I know that dust on tables and the floor is not the end of the world. I know that having everything just so... is not where I want to spend my time.

Peggy's slow disappearance has taught me about the important things in my life.

The people are most important...not the things.

I used to get so concerned about the house being perfect that I would forget the feelings of the people around me. I would make everyone miserable with my idea of perfection.

Now, I am more relaxed, much more aware that people and not a perfect house is what is most important.

Peggy continues to teach me by having Alzheimer's disease. She continues to teach me as she disappears from my life.

The whole balance of life has been turned upside down. I am now in a struggle to find a good balance in my life.

I went from perfection in my house to letting everything go so that I could write.

Now, I am struggling to find a balance between what is important and what is not.

Do I want to be remembered for a perfect house and perfect meals and perfect appearance...

Or do I want to be remembered as a relaxed, welcoming spirit?

I am desperately trying to find my way in my search for balance in my everyday living.

I went from one end of the spectrum to the other. It is as if Alzheimer's put weights in the balance of my daily living and tipped the scales too far... the other way.

I am still trying to understand what is important and what is not important to do every day.

It is interesting how watching my sister disappear has made me look at the life that I was living. It has made me look at the stress that I was living

I am not sure how to accomplish living in the middle and keeping the balance in my life.

I was not even aware of how much I had gone to the other side of the spectrum until last night when my husband and I talked.

Now, I will try to crawl back to the middle of life and attain some balance as I continue to watch Peggy disappear.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Thank you for teaching me.... By losing you.

I will find the needed balance....If not today....one day soon.

Mary Louise

6 comments:

stormie4851 said...

I ALWAYS END UP IN TEARS AS I READ YOUR JOURNAL.  I HAVE 3 SISTERS AND I COULD NOT IMAGINE GOING THRU WHAT YOU ARE GOING THRU NOW.  ONE THING TO REMEMBER, THERE ARE NO ACCIDENTS, THERE IS A REASON FOR EVERYTHING AND EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON, GOD IS IN CONTROL AND THOUGH WE MAY NOT UNDERSTAND IT ALL, IF WE PUT OUR TRUST IN HIM, ALL WILL BE FINE.  GOD CONTROLS THE SCALE, HE DOES THE BALANCING, I HAVE TO REMEMBER THIS MYSELF EVERY DAY. TRUST IN HIM............STORMIE

magogos said...

I hope the balance you seek will be available for you. Take care of yourself. Margo

blufaery84 said...

May you and Peggy have a very very happy thanksgiving. Take care.
***Blessings to you and Peggy***
~Kandi

amazingtweet said...

It is so hard to someone you love is hurt by an illness. When it hits we have to live for each moment as they come. I have learned not to take anything for granted from my mother's illness. I surely understand what you are going through.  You will find your balance.


Hugs & Prayers,
Michelle

xxlilfweak1231xx said...

i have never read before....  but as i read this post- my heart goes out to you.... as well as the goosebumps i got from the harsh reality that comes with realizing that what we thought was once so important- is a fading glare in the hourglass of what we call our life. i wish you the best and i will be back!  have a good one! rachel  

dvlwitgrneyes said...

Here is a new journal about a young womans story of her grandmothers Alzheimer's. I passed your link on to her also. When I started reading her story, I thought about you.

http://journals.aol.com/yogiyoyoyoyou/Alzhiemersanuglyuglycreature/

Cheryl
http://journals.aol.com/dvlwitgrneyes/Fortysomething/