Missing Snodgrass!

I woke up this morning to a cold, grey day in Ohio.

I am feeling down and sad. Not a clue why but here I am all Teary and Lonely.

My first thought was to call Peggy because on a day like today, we would always talk and she could make me laugh especially when she would get in her SNODGRASS  Mode and the day didn't seem so bad.

The name Snodgrass was given to Peggy on her 13th birthday by Betty Jean, Barbara and me.

We had the name SNODGRASS put on her birthday cake in Big letters as a joke.

From then on..when we wanted her to laugh, we called her Snodgrass!

Yesterday and today, when I called... you haven't wanted to talk to me, Peggy. 

You couldn't wait to hang up the phone. I try real hard not to take it personally.

I want to get in your mind and understand why your days are so different.

Maybe, you didn't know who I was today and you didn't want to talk to a stranger.

I  feel Shut Out and though I try not to Need anything from you ..I still Do!

I really miss you, Snodgrass...Especially today when I'm feeling so low. 

I also am angry with you, Peggy. How dare you go away and leave us like this!

How dare you break up the Fab 4.

Deep breath.......I know, Peggy that it is not your fault.  I just miss you so much today that it hurts. I miss the Snodgrass in you that could make me laugh.

I don't want you to tell me goodbye..and I struggle with that daily!

This is another Very Sad day in this Long Goodbye.

Maybe, tomorrow you will be better!!!!

Maybe, Tomorrow a cure will be found!

Maybe tomorrow, you will know me.

 Maybe tomorrow... Maybe Tomorrow.....   Maybe Tomorrow.......

Missing Snodgrass Today!

 Missing my Sister, My Forever Friend!

ML

The Magic Hickory Stick

November 17, 2003

A call that made ME remember!

Some times a call to you makes me laugh and not cry!  

Today was one of those day's!

You were in a very good mood,  giggling and wispering. Just like when we were little girls!

I said, I love you today, Peggy.

 I love you too; you said.

Then, giggling you said; Barbara is here and she poopied in her pants!!

 You were laughing so hard that it made me laugh too. This time the tears that ran down my face were from hearing you laugh again!

The sound of your laughter made me think of being little girls and about

"Our Magic Hickory Stick".

We ruled the world with our magic stick that we tied with ribbons.

A touch of that stick could grant any wish, take us anywhere in the world and cure anything from stomachaches, scrathes,cuts, headaches  and even soften the mean words from the girl down the street that made you cry.

 It was also our scepter when we crowned one another,Miss America. 

The Hickory Stick brought happy, carefree day's pretending that we were powerful!

Today, hearing you laugh like a child again, I longed for that Magic Stick! 

If I had it Peggy, I could touch your forehead and make you whole again.

I could be powerful and bring you back!

It was nice to have you back for a little while this morning.To hear you giggle and laugh.

Thank You, Peggy... for helping Me remember a stick that I had forgotten about long ago...

Don't worry baby sister.

I will alway's REMEMBER everything for the BOTH of us!

Your memories will alway's stay safe with me!

Know Why?

Because Peggy, 

I Promise You.....

On OUR HICKORY STICK!!!!!

Another day of saying goodbye.

I cherish these calls because I know a day will come when you will not be able to talk any longer.

 A day when I won't be priviledged to hear your voice or your laughter ever again.

Today, I was able to hear you as You Slowly tell me....Goodbye..

Your Long Goodbye to me continues every day.

I Love you Peggy...My Sister, My  Forever friend.

Mary Louise

 

The Way We Were!

I wanted you all to see Peggy.

The Peggy we knew and loved.

We had such fun on our sister trips and we miss her so very much!

ML

I Heard HOME one more time Nov. 12th, 2003

We took our Sister's trip again this year without Peggy.

Peggy, YOU WERE MISSED! All of us miss you every single minute of every day!!!!!!!!!!!!

This morning ( 11-!2-03) you seemed glad to hear from me. There was a lilt in your voice. But...You just repeated anything that I said to you.

I keep trying to draw you out. Sometimes it works...sometimes, it doesn't.

You seemed more scattered at the beginning of our conversation but rallied toward the end.

You said that Melodie bought a big, new car all by herself. That you were proud of her.

You said you wished to see Darlene some time. That Brooke had been there and gone to B_Care. That it was O K because Aunt Louise was there. ( that's Me).

You mentioned that your hair was silky and that you liked it that way.

You laughed at my saying, why can't I have silky hair like you? You said because I'm the Only One with silky, shiny hair here!

I like to hear you laugh because it sounds like old times for a few seconds and I can pretend you are still You and nothing has changed.

There is a new drug available in January that seems to help. Meeninteen (sp). It sounds hopeful and I hope you can take it and come back to us even if it is only for a Short Visit. I'D take a minute with the old you!

I said; I love you today, P J.

 You said; I love you too. You never say my name anymore and that bothers me. I want to hear you say my name. Silly, I guess.

 I said; does my calling every day get on your nerves?

You replied with emotion; NO, Please call. I like it when you call. My nerves are good when you call.

I love you so much Peggy but I Hurt Inside because You're so far away in Mind and Distance.

Your voice is still strong and it makes me feel like I've heard HOME...One More Time! I'm not sure how long it will last but hearing home is a good thing for me.

We have shared a lot of secrets over the years and I miss having that security with you.

I have to laugh when I think...it is really great that you Don't remember My shared secrets!!! (smile)!

Another phone call on this rainy day from Ohio to Alabama.

 Another day to say Goodbye!

 In This Long Goodbye to my Sister....My Forever Friend.

ML

Amazing Grace

Friday, November 7th, 2003

Yesterday and today Peggy was laughing and happy. I just couldn't write yesterday.

Today, she said her hair was silky and shiney.

I was asking her a question when she brust into song!

She sang, Amazing Grace over and over!

When I complimented her she would start again.

 I asked her if I could sing it with her because we used to sing together when we were young. She agreed and together, we sang those powerful words over and over, while tears ran down my face.

I just couldn't sing any more so I just held the phone, listened to her sing the words and cried!

Then all of a sudden she said, Mother and Daddy are going to take me home and she started Amazing Grace again.

Mother died in '82 and Daddy in '94!

She was happy and that is what I tried to hold to while she sang.

Yesterday and today were difficult calls  but I'm  thankful that she is happy.

I try to focus on her happy mood and not the empty, sad  hole in my heart as I continue to be a daily part of my sister's decent into darkness.

Another day gone in this Long Goodbye.

ML

P J,Where are You??

You were not interested in talking today.

You seemed nervous and ended your one word sentences with..Yeah,Yeah,Yeah.

I  want to reach you one more time but hope is running out.

I'm just not as powerful as I would like to be.

 I was older than you and took on the task of Protector of Peggy. I can't protect you like I could when we were children

I keep having the same dream. I see you running towards me. You are crying very hard.

I hate this dream because you are behind a huge plate glass that I can't get over, under, around or through.

You reach the plate glass and look at me with terror in your eyes.

You have your hands pressed on the glass, you are crying but I can't hear you.  I see your mouth screaming..Louise, Louise, HELP ME! HELP ME!

I keep thinking that if I call every day...maybe one day you will know me and I can help you.

I know that my wish will not come true as I Watch you Disappear in this Long Goodbye.

I love you, P J.  I miss you so.

ML

I've Lost Me!

Peggy said something today that gave me chills and made me cry.

She said...I lost Me!

I asked her how she was and if she was going anywhere today ( her sitter takes her out every afternoon).

She said, I don't know...I don't know!!!

I assured her that it was O K and not to worry.

She said, all the babies were there and Barbara ( sister who lives in Atlanta ).

Barbara is not there and I knew it.

I  told her that I loved her today and she said, I know and I love you too.

Then she said, I can't go anywhere.

 I said why Not, Peggy?

She replied...I can't go anywhere because I HAVE LOST ME!!!!!

The Long Goodbye to my Sister, my Friend continues every day!

ML