Friday, August 26, 2005

ON A SCALE OF 1 TO 10

I saw my doctor the other day and he asked me to grade the pain that I was feeling on a scale of 1 to 10. That way, he would know the level of pain that I was experiencing.

The grief  that I feel concerning Peggy is like that scale. One day, I might be experiencing a 9 level of grief and the next day, it will be a 4. It constantly bounces from 1 to 10.

I heard a song the other day and my grief level shot up to 10. The song was..I'll be seeing you.

Yesterday my grief level was about 3 but today it is back up to 9.

When I called to talk to Peggy this morning, she was in exercise class and a thought crossed my mind.

Her life is going along just fine without me in it.

I am the one who is managing a grief level of 9 today because.....

I remember and Peggy has forgotten.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

 

9 comments:

siennastarr said...

As sad as that sounds, it's true.. :(

Jackie

stormie4851 said...

HAVE YOU THOUGHT OF THE POSSIBILITY OF STARTING A NEW RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR SISTER.  PERHAPS AS A NEW FRIEND THAT SHE MAY REMEMBER SOME ON A DAY TO DAY BASIS.  YOU COULD BUILD NEW MEMORIES ON A NEW LEVEL.  IT WOULDNT BE THE SAME AS BEFORE BUT IT MIGHT HELP FOR A LITTLE MORE INTER-ACTION.  JUST A THOUGHT......................STORMIE  

wendy4145 said...

Peggy hasn't forgotten you.  Her disease has robbed her of memory.  SHe remembers you when she hears your voice.  I think that is pretty amazing.

1-10... good example of pain.

love,
Wendy

inafrnz247 said...

This, too, is familiar...often times, when we call Nana she is in visiting her friend Francis (also an Alzheimer's patient) or she is in the Activities Room.  They even have a hair salon!  As a granddaughter, I can look at this and smile, knowing she is so well cared for their.  My grandfather, however, has lost his wife and is living out the rest of his years alone and missing her so incredibly...Thoughts are with you, as always, Michelle  (((HUGS)))

dbp2000 said...

Mary Louise:  God bless you as you take this journey.  I, too, am losing a sister - slowly - due to a combination of juvenile diabetes and MS.  We are not certain which is causing the slow deterioration of her mind but while the meds are keeping her body healthy we are still losing her.  We no longer can carry on conversations like we use to since she cannot remember the past nor stay focused on a thought.  And she is still in her forties.  Her husband no longer has the life-partner he married in his youth and it hurts each of us in our own way as we lose the person she use to be.  Hang in there - seek out things to make you laugh or smile - and be grateful that your sister does not feel the pain that you are having to experience.  Big hug to you.
Donna

sanforized6 said...

On a level of 1-10 your entry and your whole story is a 10!!! rich

onemoretina said...

    It's strange how we grieve this way.  I lost a very dear friend this past February, and just when I think I am getting on with things, I will hear a song, or see a picture, or just have a thought, and it all comes back.  Some days I can make sense of it, and others days it seems as though I will never be able to accept it.  
   I must tell you that there are few things I have read that have conveyed the depth of feeling that you have shown here.  I know that you hold your sister so dear to you, ( as I do mine ) and feel blessed to have her.  From reading your story, I can tell you that she is just as blessed to have you .... someone who cares so much for her, and looks out for her welfare.  It's like you are watching out for a part of yourself, which, in a way, I believe is true ... because when we have relationships with our sisters, we do become a part of each other.  I guess what I am trying to say is that you love her as you love yourself.  And one can't love another person more than that.  Bless you both ... Tina    http://journals.aol.com/onemoretina/Ridealongwithme    

ravenlark2 said...

Hello hun, I found your Journal through Jackie's Journal (Waiting to Exhale) and I read back through the entries and felt a profound saddness. I have a sister I am very close to though the difference in our ages is quite a bit (About 20 years) and I can't wait till she gets home from work today so I can call her up and tell her I love her and just talk. I'm so sorry for your loss but I thank you for reminding me that we aren't promised forever...not even with our loved ones. Bless you.

-Raven

coelha said...

You are a wonderful sister, and Peggy is blessed to have you in her life.  Hugs to you-- Julie :)