Thursday, August 11, 2005

GOT YA!!!!!!

I still have not heard any news about Mary Ellen and how Peggy received her. I'll let you know when I do.

I'm feel down as I write because I miss talking with Peggy every day.

At least, when I heard her voice daily, I could connect with her on some level. Now, I feel rather lost.

I keep tearing up as I write and think of her and what we will miss in the years ahead.

Mary Louise ...Who?... keeps creeping into my mind.

There is pain in life, that's a given.  There is no way to avoid pain from touching every part of me when I think of Peggy forgetting me.

I would like to know what to do in any situation but the fact is... I do not and never will know.

 I do know that if you live and love, you open your heart to pain. I heard it said once that "Love puts the fun in together and the sad in apart".

Watching Peggy disappear from my life has brought great pain and sorrow but it has also brought great growth.

Watching my sister..disappear has taught me that it is OK to grieve.

That it is OK to...

Be angry and to cry out... why!

That it is OK to....

Feel alone and to reach out for help.

Peggy has taught me to research my feelings and take comfort in the fact that others care and are with me in this great grief.

I have learned through my grief that I don't always have to be strong and keep my feelings inside of me.

Writing my feeling in this journal has shown me how many people now love, care and pray for Peggy. Thousands of people who know of the struggle of watching someone you love...disappear from life because of Alzheimer's disease.

If I had not known Peggy, I would have missed the pain that I am experiencing today but I would have also missed the lessons I have learned by knowing her.

I have days when I would just like to kick something and stomp around in anger. 

Then, there are days like today, when my heart fills up with liquid grief and I want to find a dark corner in my mind, hug my knees and cry...

So, on this lonely day in my life, I have learned that grief is like playing the game of Hide and Seek.

Just when you think you have hidden in a safe place...Grief jumps out, grabs you and shouts...

Got Ya!

Grief grabbed me today and yelled, Got Ya!  but

My grief will not hold me for long because I have had the privilege of knowing and learning from my sister, Peggy.   I am learning even as she continues to disappear from my life.

Brenda Ueland wrote...Since you are like no other being ever created since the beginning of time,

You are incomparable!

That is what I think of when I think of Peggy.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise



siennastarr said...

You have every right to feel sad, Mary Louise..   This is not only a big transition for Peggy...but for you, as well.
I am thinking and praying for you both.


magogos said...

Thank you for sharing your pain today. I continue to learn from you and Peggy. Margo

wendy4145 said...

Peggy hasn't forgotten you.  Her mind has forgotten her.  She will be free of this disease some day and she will remember all again.

I hope that Peggy's Husband calls you again soon and lets you talk with Peggy.  If not, Maybe you could let him know how much that meant to you "and that you'd like to again soon"

I am so proud of you Mary Louise!  You aren't holding your feelings in.  You are letting them out in a healthy way.  Yes.. you are growing HEEPS by  LEEPS and BOUNDS!  That means you are going through hell.  But you are not turning bitter, you chhose to grow instead.  That isn't easy.

I am so glad that Peggy is still teaching you, and all of us.  I am sorry you are feeling lonely today.  "you are not alone"  You are grieving... but you are standing UP to your grief... with courage.  I am proud of you!

now... let me wipe my damned eyes!


psychfun said...

I was just thinking what your last comment was....who is Peggy? That Peggy has not forgotten! She is just somewhere else & can't reach you now but she is somewhere thinking of all your memories also.

s0ngbird1962 said...

Mary Louise, your words still so powerful as you watch your sister's journey.  I hope Peggy loves her doll and that it will bring her much comfort.

A thought:  Can you arrange with the staff at the facility to have Peggy near the phone at a certain time of day, every day so you can chat for a few minutes?

Hugs to you.....