Tuesday, May 4, 2004


I have not been able to write since I returned from my trip on Sunday Night.. It could be the cold that I am dealing with or resistance from some other place.  I found that I needed the days that I did not call Peggy.

 I called her yesterday and today with no answer. I was relieved on one level and worried on the other. I want to hear her voice but I don't want to hear the..Who Are You...in her voice each time that I call.

I wonder if she has missed my calls. I am going to ask her when I reach her and try to be prepared for the "NO" answer. She can be pretty blunt with her answers.

I find myself.. again.. in a down place where Peggy is concerned.

How do I stay up, balanced and focused when I know that Peggy is going backward in time while I am moving forward? We are getting farther and farther apart.

Do I focus on the good times and try to forget the bad? Do I pretend that this is not happening? Do I just move on with my life and forget about calling a sister who doesn't even know me any longer? Do I take care of myself and not subject myself to the stress that these calls cause me every day?

Or do I do what the song says...."Just pick myself up...Dust myself off and start all over again."

What do you do if you are just not sure where the starting point is any longer!

So...What am I going to do tomorrow morning at 10:00am??

This is the question I am asking myself today.

The break from calling has been a needed relief.                    Maybe, Peggy did miss hearing from me but I will never really know. I will just keep trying to reach her through the only line of communication that we still have...The phone.

I am feeling a little sorry for myself today but I guess that is allowed.

It is hard to handle the fact that my sister doesn't remember me any longer.

I will continue to keep remembering for the both of us and hope that This is enough to ease the pain of watching her disappear with each phone call!

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise


plieck30 said...

I feel for you. I know this is a terrible disease. My sister went through it with her husband. God bless you and her. Paula

aravdbrink said...

I was on this journal sight for the first time today and out of all the journals I crossed not a one drew me in as much as yours.I read it from beginning to end and I feel for you and peggy.God bless her ,and bless you for being such a loving and devoted sister to her. I wish her well and will continue to read your journal in hopes of a happier day to come for you both. GOD Bless