Thursday, April 1, 2004

ECHOES OF OUR PAST

I could not write yesterday...There were No words to express what I was feeling.     I didn't know if there would be words today when I sat down to type but they just came pouring out.

When I heard you talk today, Peggy... I didn't hear you...I only heard the echoes of our Past.

Our Past.... with No Future.

No, Hello's in our future, no talks, no Sister's Weeks, no shared feelings, no Sister secrets on the phone.  All I have as I write today is.... our past.                        Alzheimer's has made sure of that. We only have "What Was" and not "What Will Be."   

Alzheimer's has taken away the joy's and expressions of our future...as Sister's.

I treasure all of the Echoes that we have shared.

I am thankful that we have so many wonderful Echoes for me to recall.

I will carry those echoes of laughter, secret talks, shared dreams, hurts, plans, joy's and the sister love that we had for one another into my future. 

I will  Remember the "You" that helped make "Me" who I am, as I write today.  

I just wish that there was some way for me to let you know, at this stage of your disease, how much I love you and how sad that I am knowing that this is where it all ends. Alzheimer's has decided that being Sister's and sharing is not important.            

 I will continue to try and let you know what a special person that I think you are.

I will continue to call you even though it rips my heart out on some day's because there are still those day's when you make me laugh and I can hear, in your voice....

The Echos Of Our Past!                     

Mary Louise

 

4 comments:

miarenee24 said...

Mary Louise~Thanks for visiting my journal today and leaving kind words. I haven't been here since your beta version. It's nice to have more space to say the things that are in your heart. Such as the words you used above. I don't have a sister, but I have a brother..my only sibling. He was diagnosed with Muscular Dystrophy a year and a half ago. I've watched him suffer with this, and on some level, I can relate to your pain. Your journal is a wonderful way to record your feelings, and your memories. Thank you for sharing these with us.. Love, Mia

barbpinion said...

Mary Louise I hurt for you every time I read your journal. But I know you must know that love keeps people connected, if not in one way, then in another. Peggy feels your love even if she cannot tell you she does. Big Hugs, my friend. Barb

jackiesgirl4evur said...

I haven't cried in a long time, but reading your journal has brought back memories of my grandmother. She lives in California now, with my dad, but I took care of her for two years. Before Alzheimer's took over her mind, she was the sharp, witty person, who could remember everything, from everyone's birthday to everyday living. Once Alzheimer's took over, she forgot she had siblings, and she forgot she had a son, she forgot me, her "Shani."  She's living, but it feels like she has already died. I love her so much, and it hurts so bad to see her like this. I hurt for you, too, and I hope you can find comfort somehow through all of this. ~Shay

csuzanne768 said...

Dear Mary Louise

I just got done reading "Echoes of our Past"  -  It brought me to tears, although I'm not quite sure if their for you or for myself.  Does it really matter.  I just wanted to let you know that you've got a friend who's grieveing too.  My cousin, Gayle, just passed away in Feb 04 from LGD (lu gherrig's disease?)  pardon my spelling mut I'm not thinking too clearly right now.  

Anyways,
My family all  got together (except me because I didn't have the money to go back home from PA).  But I did the best that I could finding different ways to communicate with her like creating a family tree collage, calling, writing, sending videos, pictures, etc.  Plus, my grandmother, Bessie Paradis, had the same disease.  I couldn't stand seeing her look at us and not have an inclinking of who it was she was talking to or looking at.  My mom kept it together alot better than I could.  But, as I got alot older, and visited my own parents during their own final stages of life I had to keep my emotions in tack - I guess as a way of letting them know that whatever may have happened in the past, arguements, misunderstandings etc. were all just a prat of being an individual.  And even when we think that they cannot hear us  they sure as hell can!!!  All I had to do was hold my dad's hand while I had to sit there next to his bed and silently shed the tears that I couldn't hold back any longer  like the ones I'm crying right now.  But I kept repeating that I loved him and that I would never forget what a wonderfll father, friend and dad I'd had.  You did your best, Dad, and that's all anyone can hope for.  

I'll be praying that God give you the strength to get through this,  we both know that he will.