Wednesday, April 7, 2004

THE ALZHEIMER'S MERRY-GO-ROUND

I didn't call Peggy yesterday.. on purpose.

I asked the sitter this morning if she thought that my Not calling had made a difference. She said she didn't think so but Peggy was always glad to get a call.

I question myself this morning as to why I keep putting myself through making a call to her every day if it doesn't make a difference to her. It always gets my day off to a bad start so why do I keep putting myself through this every day?

Maybe, I should stop calling for a while and give myself a break from the stress. I don't know what I should do.

I was hoping that my calls were making a difference. I Wanted my calls to make a difference.

Maybe, I should just take care of myself for a while and get off this Merry-Go-Round and stand on solid ground and heal my heart.

I feel so guilty for even thinking about not calling Peggy every day. I've been doing it for almost 3 years now. I now have to assess who the calls were for...Peggy or Me.

I know that she is well taken care of and maybe, at this time I need to Take care of myself and my mental health, slow the Merry-Go-Round so that I can jump off and rest.

I'm just not sure what to do.

 I Really thought that I was making a difference and Now, I know that I am not.

Peggy would be the first to tell me to take care of myself.

I think that I need to do this but I feel so guilty. I must admit that it was a relief yesterday Not to make the call and hear her struggle with words and sentences but Today...she was laughing!

I love the Merry-Go-Round but I want to get off of this one for a while and only call once or twice a week. Not sure if I am being selfish.

I feel so torn this morning.

I Love You Today, Peggy!  I wish you could tell me what to do.

A Sister is a little bit of Childhood that can Never be Lost!......Marion C. Garretty

Mary Louise

2 comments:

beppeinpcola said...

ML, as you know, I had to back off for I put myself in "strokesville".  I kept trying to "fix things"for Peggy and her family.  Now I am so much better by calling once a week.  And, remembering GOD knows and is taking care of Peggy and family.  If we let him, HE will! The depresson I suffered wasterrible but today I look at the situation differently.  I need and want you around for me, Barbara and Johnny. Love your big sister, Betty Jean

jackiesgirl4evur said...

I think you need to also take care of you. You can't help someone else if you are a mess yourself. If calling makes your day start off bad, try calling later in the evening, then go out and do something fun to take your mind off it. By the way, I think that the calls you make do make a difference, but to the outside, no one can tell if they make a difference. Alzheimer's masks that. Don't think for a minute that it doesn't make a difference, she just can't communicate her gratefullness. You keep strong. You are a wonderful person, with so much love for your sister.
Below is a link to a picture of me and my two sisters. http://beta.journals.aol.com/jackiesgirl4evur/LesbianLife/entries/378
Sisterly bonds are the best!