Wednesday, April 21, 2004

THE DREAM

 

I have often wondered what Peggy dreams at night. If she dreams that she is well and able to soar and learn and help the people that she loves. No one will ever know what is in her heart or in her dreams.

I do know that in my dreams, she is whole again and we are running and soaring like the birds. We are dancing and laughing. We are whispering secrets and planning adventures...... and then there is the bad dream.

I am in a beautiful green field with rolling hills and colorful flowers.  I feel calm and thoughtful. Then, in the distance, I see someone running toward me. As the person gets closer, I realize that it is Peggy. I start running toward her but when we meet, I see that she is crying and has a terrified look in her eyes. I see her mouth making the words "HELP ME" but I cannot hear her words. She keeps crying and pleading with me to get to her and help her.

    I notice that there is a clear barrier between us and it goes as high as the sky and as wide as the earth. She places her hands on the clear barrier and is screaming for me to help her. In my panic, I try to get under,over and around the barrier. Then, I try to break through the barrier but there is no way that I can reach her.              I start to cry with her as I put my palms on the barrier and place them over her palms and I mouth the words to her, I love you, Peggy. I place my face on the clear barrier and she does the same and we cry as we sink to the ground. We understand that there is no way that I can reach her and bring her to the safe side of the barrier

Then, I wake, crying. I realize every time that I have this dream that there is nothing that I can do to save Peggy.                        Alzheimer's Disease has placed this clear barrier between us and there is no way to get through it, around it, over it or under it. I can still see her and she can still see me but we can never be the sisters that we once were... ever again. We can only see one another through the Alzheimer's clear barrier.

 I have to place my hands on the cold barrier and motion for her to do the same, we put our cheeks together and cry as we slide down the barrier to the ground.I cannot save her from what Alzheimer's is doing to her but I will be there for her.

She is disappearing a little more every day as I watch her from my side of the clear, Alzheimer's barrier.                                              I can barely feel her cheeks and hands any longer and I know that one night when the dream returns... Peggy will no longer be on the other side asking for my help because she will be free from the Alzheimer's barrier.

And...I will be sitting on the ground in a field of  beautiful flowers and green rolling hills, smiling because My Sister, My Forever Friend is free at last from the prison of Alzheimer's Disease.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

 

2 comments:

barbpinion said...

I almost always cry when I read these entries, knowing how sad you must be. I can only imagine your hurt, dear one, and I know imagining it is as nothing. I wish so much you were not having to go through this but no matter where your sister is at any point...love, your love, is somewhere within her. It will always be so. ANd one day she will be the sister you remembered. Hold on to that ...
God bless you. **Barb**

gbgoglo said...

Sad but beautiful.  Love is the least forgotten.  I hold you and your sister in my prayers...