Friday, April 16, 2004

DOORS, WINDOWS AND THE NEW...OLD STRANGER

We are not called by God to do extraordinary things, but to do ordinary things with extraordinary love.........                             Jean Vanier  

Peggy was distant yesterday and today and in her own world. I could tell that she didn't need me and didn't seem to want to talk to me.

How does one handle the feeling of not being needed, of not being useful to help with living life?

I felt that I was standing at her door, knocking and ringing the door bell and no one was coming to open the door.                                                                                        

In my mind, I can see her through the windows; I can see her walking around. No matter how hard I knocked or how loud I called out to her, she couldn't hear me or let me come inside.   

There are times when I want to walk away from her door and say... O K!   You want it this way...You Got It! I see myself walking away but look once more through the windows to give my defiant stare.  Then, I see her standing in the middle of the room...Not sure what to do. She is trying to decide if she should open the door to this stranger who keeps knocking. This New...Old Stranger in her life.

I cannot and will not walk away. I will just stay at her door and knock softly. Maybe, just maybe she will open the door to her mind and say...Hi M. L. Where have you been? Come on inside!  I've been hoping you would visit!

I have choices. I can run away from her door, the door the Alzheimer's has locked for Peggy or I can wait at her door. I can wait for the day that the door will open, if only for a moment and we can hug and she will say......................

I've really missed you!        

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise                       

                               

 

7 comments:

krobbie67 said...

Mary, I don't know Peggy, or you for that matter, but I would lay odds that if she could tell you she would - that she doesnt feel like that ---> "You want it this was...You Got It!" Maybe she's feeling the same thing as you. Looking through a window that she can't get through. I know how hard it must be for both of you. I am so sorry for the challenges you are facing. Stay Strong! I've been by here a couple of times before your visit to my journal but I just don't know what to say. I always wish I could make things better and feeling quite speechless and inadequate when I can't. I'm glad you stopped by my journal and opened the communication door. Thank You! :-) ---Robbie

gbgoglo said...

Hi, M.L.  I feel your pain and your slowly but surely disappearance of this familiar stranger...I am a caregiver and a couple of my patients had Alzheimer's.  And all we really have with them is now...moment by moment.  But then, that's all any of us have is now.  It's hard on the loved ones to see someone they shared a lifetime with slowly fade from the familiar...they are in their own world of scrambled memories and fantasies.  They remember...but what they remember doesn't necessarily fit any pattern...to us.  To the ones standing on the outside, looking in, is kind of like, what you see is not necessarily what you get...the time frames may not be in sync.  In their world, all is well until they hit a normal snag; and for a brief moment, they are there in the present once more...and it's very frustrating for them because they don't always know what they are doing there.  There are so many lost and found moments in their memories.  It's one hecka of a trip.  Take heart and stay strong...

gbgoglo said...

I thought my comment was too long...and wouldn't go thru.  I like your journal and how you paint portraits of your sister and family with your words. I did some rewinding on the entries to catch up...  This journal you write will some day be your prized possession.  Right now it is serving its purpose for you and for those that stop by to visit.  Thank you for sharing so much... May God continue to Bless you and yours and keep you with an open mind and a loving heart...
My journal is: http://journals.aol.com/gbgoglo/ToKevinWithLoveMomPart2  Stop by for a visit...  

aiibrat said...

I really can't express what I really feel after reading your entry.  So, if this was the real world, ((((hugs to you & your sister))) This is a powerful entry.

miarenee24 said...

{{Mary}} I know the feeling of a loved one not recognizing me. But it was my grandmother when she was 85 years old. That's hard, but it's to be expected with age... When it's a sibling, this young...I know it's got to be 100 x more painful. Sending you a hug. Love, Mia

barbpinion said...

SO glad you will wait at the door. I know it must be overwhelmingly difficult for you. Peggy may be distant and it may seem as if she didn't need you. But remember if she didn't have this horrible thing happening to her...she'd be hugging you tight, giggling with you, sharing all you always shared. She is still there, honey, just can't reach out to you right now. Hugs, love & prayers, (Barb)

blufaery84 said...

Don't shut that door! She may not be fully "there" all the time, but Im certain she can feel your love and presence.
****Bless you and Peggy****