Peggy Today

Peggy is still losing weight. She eats well, her husband says but is in constant motion.
She walks all over the nursing home every day and seems in a hurry. I wonder where she thinks she is going? I wonder if she ever thinks that she gets there?

To say that this disease is unfair is an understatement. How could a healthy, athletic, active person like P.J. develop this disease in her late 40's?

The saving grace for our family is that Peggy seems happy and smiles a lot.

Her husband has been a rock for Peggy and our family. When, on their wedding day he uttered the words; For better and worse, he could have never imagined what would happen in his marriage.
Peggy loved him so much and somewhere in her soul, she still does...even though she has forgotten who he is...

I will never stop missing my sister. The sister that I grew up with, shared my heart and secrets with, looked up to and admired.
She is still that person but her shell makes it harder and harder to remember. She is different from the person that I knew.

But.....

I am different too.

Our journey through life makes us all different in many ways.

I remember a time in my life when I knew all the answers, I even knew all the questions. I knew how to fix things in my life and in everyone else's life.
I was outspoken and sure of myself.
My journey thus far has tempered me and softened me.

I am blessed because I can remember. Peggy is blessed because she is happy and doesn't seem to mind that she can't remember.

The holiday's bring a flood of memories of Thanksgivings and Christmases
past. The holiday's bring excitement and thinking of the future.

Peggy has neither as the holidays approach.

But....
She is safe, happy and loved with or without her memories.

I will just have to remember for both of us.

I Love You Today, Peggy!
I miss you always!

Happy Thanksgiving 2008.

Mary Louise

WATCHING MY SISTER ON BLOGSPOT

I have moved my journal about Peggy to this site.

watchingmysisterdisappear.blogspot.com

I hope you will continue to read my thoughts and comment. It has helped me on this journey more than any of you will ever know.




People always said that Peggy and I looked so much alike that we could be twins. I must admit that I thought we looked somewhat alike but not like twins until.....

I visited a site called yearbook.com and put my face on a hairstyle that PJ always wore.
I was shocked!!!! When I saw the picture above, I thought it was Peggy but it is me with her hairstyle!

I Love You today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

AOL CLOSING JOURNAL SITE

PEGGY SAYING...GOODBYE

                                      I was informed on September 30th by AOL

that they will be closing down their journal site.

Every one who has been writing journals on this 

 AOL site is very sad.

We have until October 31st to transfer all the

contents of our journals to another site or lose them.

My first entry about watching Peggy disappear was on October 30, 2003.

 

MY FIRST ENTRY.......

P. J. ( left) is dying from Alzheimer's Disease.

We were always very close.

It is so very hard to see her disappearing before my eyes.

I call her every morning and have since she was diagnosed 2 years ago.

She is slipping away fast and now calls me "Aunt Louise."

I struggle with losing her.

I miss her more than I can write.

Only people who have experienced this living death

can understand what I am feeling.

I am saying goodbye to her every day and

I always say before I hang up...I Love you, Today P. J

 and she will say...I love you too but she can't remember my name.

I love you. I miss you today.

 P J...My Sister...My Friend!

This was one of the first comments I received

and this comment helped me to keep writing and

 to express my grief with words.

 

COMMENTS:

 

Hi Mary Louise,
In all honesty, I had to find the courage within myself to get past the title of your journal before I could read it. My dad lost his youngest brother to this terrible disease it was devastating to say the least. The reason I needed courage to read your journal is because I watched my youngest sister disappear to cancer. We lost her 15 months ago, her funeral was on her 44th birthday. I hope you don't mind if I read your journal from the beginning and go forward to the present time because I feel that is the only way you get to know someone better. I do not have a journal but my daughter does and introduced me to journals after I lost my lil sis. I must say it has helped me through the grief one day at a time.
Debbie

 

Did you ever hear that saying " I complained I had no shoes, until I met a man with no feet?" Sometimes my days seem so hard because I have a child with Tourettes Syndrome. Its not drastic or life threatening but it still drains my heart and soul. My heart goes out to you and your family. I have no shoes but you have no feet. I will say a prayer for your sister.

 

I know what your going thru...My dad is slowing disappearing too.  It i so sad to see.  Just hang in there and be strong she is going to heaven!!!

 

 

 

Louise,
Very touching commentary. I would not have recognized Peggy. But I have not seen her in decades I suppose.
this blog is a good idea.
thanks for sharing.

 

Mary Louise,

I know it must be very hard dealing with Alzheimer's and losing your baby sister. I know it would crush me if I lost my sister. You have been strong and brave to write the journal and share your experience with others.

I am proud of you. I am praying for you, PJ, her family and your other sisters.

God be with you all.

........................................................................................................................

These were the words from people who read that first entry and gave me the strength and courage to keep writing even though it was painful.

 

Writing this journal about Peggy has been life saving experience for me. Having so many people comment and send prayers has saved me in many ways.

To date....66,165 people have taken the time to write a comment or read this journal.

I will be forever grateful for the help and comfort this has provided.

I hope before the dead line of October 31st, I will have a new journal home and will give interested readers the address.

If I decide to stop writing about Watching.....I will say...

I THANK ALL OF YOU AND GOODBYE!

Goodbye from my sister....Peggy and from me.

I Love You Today, Peggy and always will remember our lives as sisters before Alzheimer's/Picks disease took you away from all who love you!

Mary Louise

LIFE IS GOOD.....

 

I MISS YOU TODAY, PEGGY AND I ALWAYS WILL!

Mary Louise

HURRICANE WARNING

 Hurricane Hanna swept up the East Coast yesterday. It brought wind and rain to thousands. People were afraid and hurried to get out of the path of the storm.

 Peggy was in it's path but she couldn't get away.      

                                   I think that a hurricane is similar to Alzheimer's/Pick's disease.

First, there is only the threat of the storm that is heading for the mind.

There are warnings and red flags go up.

As the storm progresses toward the mind, family and friends brace for the worst and hope for the best.

When the storm of the mind hits, it is devastating and there is total destruction.

Destruction that cannot be reversed or fixed.... by the government, by family or friends.

Hurricane Hanna has moved along. The sky has cleared along the Carolina coast. The sun is shining, the sky returned to Carolina blue............ except in one place.

Peggy's mind.

The forecast is gloomy, the dark clouds are thick. The wind continues to swirl and the destruction is permanent

 Peggy's mind is damaged but she continues to live in the calm eye of the storm.

Calm is what this sister prays for her baby sister.

 I pray every day that Peggy will always live in the calm while the storm rages around her.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

I miss you always!

Mary Louise

 

aoljaolPictureAdd, aoljaolPictureAdd_4

Missing Peggy

I don't think that I will ever get over missing the Peggy that I grew up with...The Peggy that I knew.

She is doing as well as she can at this stage of the disease. She has lost some of the weight that she had gained and is walking a lot.

Her husband said that she is looking like the old Peggy but with one thing still gone forever....Her memory.

She is smiling but no one knows why.

Alzheimer's disease is a strange prison. No one is paroled or set free.

No one who loves them is ever set free because we remember who they were.....

 

Who They Were....

When they were not in prison. Who they were when they were not locked up against their will and not sentenced to a life of forgotten memories.

But then again......

If they do not carry the burdens of remembering the sad times, the lonely times,

the empty times and only know the moment...

The wonderful, happy and joyous times would also be forgotten.

One can't exist without the other.

I remember so many good times and so many bad times...

I am grateful because it means that I do not have Alzheimer's disease.

But it does mean that Peggy, my sister, my friend does not remember who I am.

I remember and sometimes......It hurts....

 Especially when I remember Peggy and wish that she remembered me.

Life can be a strange teacher and I have learned  much about myself because Peggy became another Alzheimer's disease statistic.   

        

I Love You Today, Peggy!  I miss you!

Mary Louise

 

aoljaolPictureAdd, aoljaolPictureAdd_1

RUNNING THROUGH THE RAIN

RUNNING THROUGH THE RAIN

(author unknown)

A little girl had been shopping with her Mom in Target. She must have been 6 years old, this beautiful red haired, freckle faced image of innocence. It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout. We all stood there under the awning and just inside the door of the Target.

We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world. Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child came pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day.

The little voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in 'Mom let's run through the rain,' she said .
'What?' Mom asked.

'Lets run through the rain!' She repeated

'No, honey. We'll wait until it slows down a bit,' Mom replied.

This young child waited about another minute and repeated: 'Mom, let's run through the rain,'

'We'll get soaked if we do,' Mom said.

'No, we won't, Mom.. That's not what you said this morning,' the young girl said as she tugged at her Mom's arm.

This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?

'Don't you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, 'If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!'

The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear you couldn't hear anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the next few minutes.
Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say. Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child's life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith.

'Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If GOD let's us get wet, wellmaybe we just needed washing,' Mom said.

Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They held their shopping bags over their heads just in case. They got soaked. But they were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars.

And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.

Circumstances or people can take away your material possessions, they can take away your money, and they can take away your health. But no one can ever take away your precious memories...So, don't forget to make time and take the opportunities to make memories everyday. To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven.
I HOPE YOU STILL TAKE THE TIME TO RUN THROUGH THE RAIN.

I LOVE YOU TODAY, PEGGY.......

AND I AM STILL RUNNING IN THE RAIN!

MARY LOUISE

aoljaolPictureAdd, aoljaolPictureAdd_2

OUR ROOTS

Peggy is losing weight and she seems to be getting worse.

She is falling and can't remember how to get up.

I miss my sister. I miss talking with her.

She is continuing to disappear and there is nothing

that I can do to slow it down.

Nothing that I can do to stop the progression of her disappearance.

I only can pray for her comfort. I can only pray that somewhere in her being...

She remembers that I love her.

( author unknown)

WE ARE LIKE THE LIMBS OF A TREE.

WE GROW IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS YET.......

OUR ROOTS REMAIN AS ONE.

EACH OF OUR LIVES WILL ALWAYS BE.....

A SPECIAL PART OF THE OTHER.   

I miss you, P.J!

How I wish that I could talk with you and tell you all

that has been going on in my life.

How I wish that you could tell me what has been going on in your life.

I wish we could talk like we used to and figure out things.

I miss your humor.

I miss your wit.

I miss your laughter.

I miss your counsel.

I miss you, Peggy because our roots are one and we will

always be a special part of the other.

 

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

aoljpictureUpload, aoljpictureUpload_1