Friday, October 29, 2004

HANDS

There is something comforting about hands.

 One summer day when I was 7 years old, I had been watching my Daddy work on a car in the back yard. He had been working on the car all morning. I had been handing him tools when he asked for them. It seemed to make him proud that I was interested in what he was doing and it felt good to be close to him and to help him work.

I went inside and was sitting at the kitchen table eating a cheese sandwich when he came into the kitchen.

As he walked pass me, I could smell the gasoline and grease from his clothes. He walked to the kitchen sink and began washing his arms and hands. When he finished "washing up" as he called it, he wiped his big hands dry, he came over to the table.

 His hands were rough from all of the work that he did and there were always traces of grease left on his hands that would never come off.

Instead of sitting down, he came over to me. I looked up at him and he took my face in his hands. He held my face, looked at me and smiled but never said a word. Then, he went to his chair and sat down to eat.

I will always cherish the memory of Daddy's hands on my face. Those big, rough hands that smelled of gasoline and grease told me that I was loved just by their touch. No words were needed  then or today.

Now, when I get a faint smell of gasoline or grease, I travel back to that day and can still feel the loving touch of Daddy's hands on my face.

I saw an ordination service once called "The laying on of Hands." It was a beautiful service where older, more experienced Ministers laid their hands on the head of a new minister. It looked to me like the older Ministers were transferring their years of wisdom to the head of the young minister who was just starting his or her ministry. It was a beautiful thing to witness.

Hands come in all sizes and are very interesting to me.

I remember how big my husbands hands looked when our new babies touched his fingers with their tiny fingers.

The hands are important part of our bodies. We lend a hand, join hands, walk hand in hand,get out of hand, wash our hands and can have a heavy hand.

The touch of a hand can bring calm or cause fear.

The touch of a hand can ease pain and promote healing or do damage.

When I saw Peggy this summer, the first thing that I did was go to chair where she was sitting, kneel in front of her and hold her face in my hands. My healthy hands felt big on her ailing face. She seemed to rest her head in my touch and find a moment of comfort there. It  was a moment that I will never forget.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if I had the power to heal with my hands. If I had that power, I would place both of my hands on Peggy's face and bring her health and memories back by the simple act of the laying on of my hands.

One day, Peggy will be touched by a hand that will make her whole again. I am certain about that....

Spencer Michael Free wrote these words long ago...

'Tis the human touch in this world that counts, The touch of your hand in mine.

Which means far more to the fainting heart than shelter, bread and wine;

For shelter is gone when the night is o'er and bread lasts only a day,

BUT...

The touch of the hand and the sound of the voice......

Sing on in the soul always.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

 

Thursday, October 28, 2004

YOU ARE AN ANGEL TO MY HEART

My sister, Barbara sent a card to me the other day and I wanted to share it with all of you.

The Ross sisters have hurt as we watch our youngest sister, Peggy disappear from our lives.

We know the importance of staying close,  but now, it takes on a profound meaning. It means forgetting old differences and remembering to let one other know how much they are loved.

We never know how much time we have to stop and say...I Love You, Today!

Here is the card....by Donna Worthington Wall that Barbara sent to me....

 

The inside of the card reads.....

You and I have shared so much~~sweet memories we left behind

like listening to the radio and hairstyles to try.

We loved for the phone to ring~ we'd race to see who it was.....

hoping as we raced that it was for one of us.

We were going to see the world~ travel far away~

We didn't realize then...that this was the most beautiful place.

God has given us more blessings than we could ever measure....

and loving you all these years is my heart's treasure.

With much love,

Barbara

This card, at this place and time in my life was like a life line being thrown to me.

A life line to let me know how much my sister loves and thinks about me.

We all need life lines from one another as we continue to watch our sister, Peggy....Disappear!

Thank you Barbara! Thank you so much!

I Love You Today! Barbara

Your grateful sister.....

Mary Louise

 

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

THE WINDING ROAD

It is strange to see the winding road of Alzheimer's disease.

There are twists, sharp turns and uneven road.

I feel like I am driving down a dangerous road in a tiny, unsafe car. There are steep cliffs to my right with no guard rails to protect me. There are high mountains to my left which could send a boulder down and crush my car with me inside.

I am never sure if I should speed up or slow down when I try to communicate with Peggy while driving this road.

Every day and every call to her is different.

The only thing that never changes on this twisting road is........

Peggy doesn't remember who I am or that we are sisters.

So, I will continue to drive on this stretch of road until the road is no more and I have to stop my car and get out.

When that happens, I will look back and see the road that I have traveled with Peggy.  I will be a better driver in my life because of this journey with my sister. A better person as I watch a cherished part of my history continue to disappear from my life.

I Love You, Peggy and........

I Will Remember You...

 by Sarah McLachlan   (Liberties Taken)

I will remember you. Will you remember me?

 Don't let your life pass you by..Weep Not for the memories.

Remember the Good Times that we had!

I let them slip away from me when things got bad. 

Clearly, I first saw you smiling in the sun.  I want to feel your warmth around me.  I want to be the one!

I'm so Tired but I can't sleep. Standing on the edge of Something Much too Deep!

Funny, how we Feel so much but Cannot say a Word.

Though we are Screaming inside.........We can't be Heard!

I Will Remember You! Will you remember me?

Don't let your life pass you by..Weep Not For the Memories!

So afraid to Love You...More afraid to lose..

We are Clinging to a Past that doesn't let us choose!

Where once there was darkness, a deep and endless night.

You gave us everything you had.......AHHH... Peggy,

You gave me light!

SO>>>>>

I will Remember You!

Will You Remember me?

Don't let your Life pass you by.

I will weep NOT for all our Memories!!!

I Love You, Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

Monday, October 25, 2004

I'M DANCING AS FAST AS I CAN

Peggy and I always loved to tap dance.  We would tape pennies to our shoes and tap away on the sidewalk in front of our house. Those are some of the memories of Peggy that make me smile.

But, have you ever heard the phrase, "I'm dancing as fast as I can?"

That is the way that I felt when I finished my call to Peggy this morning.

 My heart was tired from dancing when I hung up the phone. 

I had to dance around her silences, dance around her struggle for words, dance with my sparklers lit while talking and pretending that everything was normal.

If love and dancing were enough, I could love and dance Peggy well. 

If love and dancing were enough, I would dance with her forever.

Sometimes, Love is not enough! 

Sometimes, I can't dance fast enough!

Sometimes, the sparklers get wet and go out as I continue to tap away.

No matter how fast I dance, I cannot stop the cloud of Alzheimer's from gathering around Peggy's head.  

No Matter how fast I dance, I cannot stop Alzheimer's from drenching her with a cold rain.                

 I search my mind for something, anything that will make it easier for Peggy and for me to dance through this storm.

All that I can think to do is...

Grab my umbrella of memories and cover our heads to protect us while we dance.

While we continue to dance this dance of Peggy's disappearance........

 I promise you, Peggy that I will continue to dance with you even as you forget how to dance. 

There is no way to stop Alzheimer's disease so...

We will just dance together under the umbrella of my memories.      I will try to keep you dry and make sure our sparklers stay lit!

We will dance and I will remember.........

Two little girls with pennies taped to their shoes.

I LOVE YOU TODAY, PEGGY!

Mary Louise

Friday, October 22, 2004

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

Peggy's voice sounded strong this morning and she was laughing as she answered my questions.

How are you today?

Fine.

What are you doing right now?

I don't know.

Do you know who this is?

Maybe.

This is Mary Louise..Your Sister and I love you so today, Peggy.

Thanks.

It is interesting how little things are being erased from her mind. She has forgotten how to hang up the phone. When I say good-bye to her, she doesn't know what to do.

This morning, after I talked with her, I said...bye Peggy.

She said...O K.

I am going to hang up the phone now and you can too.

OK.

Bye Peggy.

Bye

O K, I'll count to three and we will both hang up the phone at the same time.

Laughing she said; All-right.

O. K. Peggy...1,2,3. hang up.

Thanks.

Tears pooled in my eyes when I heard her say thanks.

Peggy, just lay the phone down, O K?

OK.

This goes on for a while until I get up the courage to close my cell phone and disconnect.

I always tear up when I have to do this because I feel like I am closing my link to her.

The Peggy that I knew is Not on the other end of the phone line... but the voice that I knew Is....

That feels strange in many ways.

 In all of our years of talking on the phone, we have never hung up on one another.  Having to hang up the phone while she is still on the line is a new grief that I face when I call her.

I have to decide when to disconnect and hang up my phone.           I do this knowing that she is still on the line and just doesn't remember what to do. I am never sure if I am doing the right thing when I disconnect and hang up on her. 

After 5 or 10  minutes of saying good-bye and please hang up the phone Peggy,  I slowly close my cell phone. 

 I think that if I hang up the phone slowly and hold it to my heart...she can feel my heart hurting and hear my tears falling as I say good-bye and finally hang up. 

Maybe, she knows somewhere in her being, that it is hard for me to disconnect from her voice.

To slowly disconnect from the only thing that is left of the old Peggy... The only thing that still sounds like home....Peggy's voice.

Daphne Rose Kingma wrote.....

Today, see if you can stretch your heart and expand your love so that it touches not only those to whom you can give it easily...

But also to those who need it so much!

I Love You Today, Peggy! 

Hearing the sound of your voice and your laughter today, helped to touch that place in my soul that is...Home.                                   A safe place where there were no cell phones and no one had to ....slowly say good-bye.

Mary Louise

 

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

PEGGY'S LIFE PUZZLE

I enjoy putting puzzles together on the cold, gray nights of winter.

I place a card table in the family room and start my puzzle by sorting the pieces. I always do the outside of the puzzle first and slowly fill in the center. When all of the pieces are in place, the puzzle becomes a wonderful picture. After my puzzle is completed, I enjoy the picture for a while and then jumble the puzzle pieces and put them back in their box until I decide to put it together again. 

I think of Peggy's life as a puzzle. When she was born, life started putting the pieces of her puzzle together. One moment and one day at a time, another piece was added to complete Peggy.

When she grew into a woman, all the pieces were in place and the puzzle that was Peggy was complete.

A few years ago, Alzheimer's disease chose a young Peggy and began to remove the all of the puzzle pieces that made her who she was.

It has continued to take pieces from her mind and today, the puzzle that was Peggy is almost completely taken apart.

The pieces of her memory are lying on the floor of her mind......all jumbled up. 

There is no way to fit the pieces of Peggy's puzzle back together because I have tried. I would pick up a puzzle piece that contained a shared memory and try to fit it back into her mind with every phone call to her.

The pieces of her mind and body are so scattered now that no one can fit the pieces of her life back together and make her whole again.

I am reminded of the nursery rhythm about Humpty Dumpty as I watch Peggy disappear.

Peggy Jane was sitting on a wall...

Peggy Jane had a great fall...

And all of her family and all of her friends...

Couldn't put Peggy back together again.

The Peggy that I knew and loved has been taken apart by Alzheimer's disease and put into a box, all jumbled up.

She can only be put back together again when she reaches a place where the Master Puzzle Maker lives.

When Peggy reaches that place, the Master Puzzler will open the box that contains all of the pieces of Peggy. The Master will take the puzzle pieces of Peggy out, sort them and say.. 

I will put Peggy's head together first so that I can see her beautifuleyes and her bright smile. Then, she can tell me all of the memories that her mind has stored and saved for this day.

 When that occurs.....

The Peggy that I knew..... will be whole again.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

 

 

 

Monday, October 18, 2004

A HALLOWEEN MEMORY

HALLOWEEN...LONG AGO!

BETTY JEAN, MARY LOUISE, PEGGY, BARBARA, JOHNNY.

Christopher de Vinck wrote...

Though I have seen the oceans and mountains, though I have read great books and seen great works of art...there is nothing greater or more beautiful than those people I Love.

These people, seated on this bed helped to shape my life. Each in their own way, made me the person that I call myself.

Each in their own way showed me that being Mary Louise was a good thing. 

All of us continue to watch Peggy disappear with disbelief, pain and a feeling of helplessness.

BUT...

 Our memories of Peggy and of growing up "one of the Ross kids" bring us joy!

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise