Sunday, January 30, 2005

WITH EVERY BEAT OF MY HEART

I enjoyed my time away very much. It was a needed relief for my heart and my brain.

I called Peggy and talked with her while on my trip.

She seemed more scattered than usual. She has a new sitter and I think that it is a major adjustment for her.

I read something yesterday and wanted to share it. It is a quote from the movie "The Breakfast Club".

"When you grow up...Your heart dies".

That quote is looking forward from the eyes of youth. The quote changes with wisdom and age and then reads...

When you grown up, your heart grows bigger and is filled with the joy and pain of living.  Your heart learns to accept and not judge. Your heart holds all the joy and tears of your life. Your heart learns that difference in people makes them special. Your heart is filled with the experiences of a lifetime and beats to it's memories but......

When you have grown up and develop Alzheimer's disease........

Your heart dies a little every day because your heart has forgotten.... why it beats.  Peggy's heart sends no messages to her brain and her brain is no longer connected to her heart. Her heart only beats to keep her alive and being alive and living are very different functions.

When you grow up and develop Alzheimer's disease, your heart is just an organ in your body. It is just an organ that beats to keep you alive. Peggy's heart beats and she is alive but her brain and heart are no longer connected. Her brain and heart do not work in rhythm. 

 Peggy's heart no longer beats with the feelings and messages stored there.  The beats of her memories have been erased and her heart now only beats to keep her body alive.

Her brain with it's memories and her heart with the steady rhythm have been disconnected. She is living but she is no longer alive.

Peggy's heart and brain are just vital organs. They are the vital organs that keep her alive. They are the vital organs that keep her breathing but..... breathing and living are two different things.

Living without remembering is like.......

Growing up and having your heart......Die.

Peggy and I were connected and I miss her warmth, her humor and her counsel.

Joan Frank said; By now we know and anticipate one another so easily, so deeply, we unthinkingly finish one another's sentences and often speak in code. No one else knows what I mean so exquisitely, painfully well; No one else knows so exactly what to say to fix me.

No one.... but my sister.

We are sisters. We will always be sisters. Our differences may never go away, but neither will our song.....      Elizabeth Fishel

I Love you Today, Peggy and I miss you with every beat of my heart. A heart that remembers.

A heart that remembers you and is filled with your lopsided smiles, exasperated looks, I can't believe you just said that.. looks, be happy looks, help me looks, wide eyed looks, scared looks, breathless excitement looks and yes, angry looks.......

So many memories of Peggy are stored in my heart and I remember her as my heart continues to beat to the rhythm of my memories.

My heart and brain are connected with many memories of my sister, my forever friend.

I will remember Peggy until I grow up and my heart dies.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

9 comments:

ceschorr said...

being alive and living are very different functions******* a very good point.... sara

eternallife23 said...

This is so beautiful yet so sad. It must be so hard for you. I will keep you in my daily prayers. *Louise*

sanforized6 said...

Beautiful! You tell it with so much feeling. It works as a sober reminder of what may lay ahead. Thank you. rich

wendy4145 said...

You and Peggy look great in the picture.  You look very happy to be with her.  I don't think you will ever lose your heart....  or your soul.... PEggy either.  Part of her may already be with God... her heart and soul is with God when it no longer is with her body.

it's just my opinion, i hope i didn't too much here.
love,
Wendy

marymnbob said...

mary louise, every time i go to see my mom, i say to myself "i see you Mom, but you are already gone" She has been with the Lord for some time now. It does hurt
so bad, but  i will be there until the end. God bless, dear. Glad you enjoyed your trip. yes you did need it.   marymnbob@aol.com

lindainspokane said...

just dropping by to see how things are going...again such a heart felt entry...i continue to keep u all in my thoughts and prayers...i am so glad that u were able to get a way and have some time away from it all...even though i know that peggy is never far from your heart...i hope that she is able to adjust to her new sitter...that must be really tough on her...i hope that u have a nice sunday...

linda
http://journals.aol.com/lindainspokane/LifewithLinny
http://journals.aol.com/lindainspokane/LinnysLuciousLickings

dababysback said...

this is so beautiful and refreshing to read this. Alz is so sad. and it hurts.
http://journals.aol.com/dababysback/ReadAllaboutit/
shannon

blufaery84 said...

that was so beautifully put. You are amazing, as is Peggy. May you have a good year!
~Kandi

memkynme said...

My heart goes out to you ..Our Lord will help you with the pain your feeling with the loss of your sister Peggy  who your losing every day ...But the memories is something that never leaves one it stays within  the heart ...and when we lose someone a family member or a friend they take a piece of our heart .....I have been with  a  great man for 28 years  celebrating on Dec the 28th But in 95' I lost the man I had married....  But another has steped forth in his place . a stroke is a very bad thing too to have to deal with each day as well .But I just wanted you to know I will Pray for you and Peggy May the Lord watch over you both ...