I learned today that Peggy has been having bouts with violent behavior.
That is so unlike the Peggy that I knew. She was a gentle person who would never do anything to hurt anyone.
I wonder what is going through her mind when these violent episodes happen. Why is she fighting the people who love and take care of her? Is she afraid that someone will hurt her?
I asked her this morning if everything was alright and she said yes. I asked her if she had been upset about anything and she seemed surprised by the question. I told her that I would always be here for her. Her response was...I Know.
There was a sound in her voice that hasn't been there and I have no way of knowing what to do to help her and that is a lonely place to be this morning.
When I used to sew, I would buy a pattern and follow the instructions. When dealing with a Alzheimer's patient...there is no pattern to follow. You just hope that you are doing the right thing.
I feel helpless this morning knowing that Peggy is struggling and having violent episodes.
I hate what this disease is doing to my sister. Her voice is still the same but the Peggy that I knew is almost gone.
I am so angry that this disease has erased the Peggy that I knew.
I am angrier that I can do nothing to stop it!
This disease is like watching a tornado come and knowing that there will be total destruction and all you can do is watch as it approaches.
It is like trying to find a place to hide from danger and there is no place to hide. There is no safe place and so you just stand there and hope for the best.
This disease is like going to sleep and having a nightmare. You wake up and realize that it is not a bad dream at all but something that is really happening.
Watching someone you love die from Alzheimer's disease is like feeling afraid and scared and there is no one to comfort you. No one to tell you that everything will be alright because it will not.
It is like suffering from intense pain and there is no medication that can ease the pain or make it go away.
It is like crying all the tears of your life and never being able to stop.
The saving grace in my struggle of watching Peggy disappear is prayer. That is all I can do for her and for me.
After talking with her this morning, I prayed that her mind will find peace and that she will not be afraid as she continues to disappear from my life.
I miss you so much and I Love You Today, Peggy!