Thursday, January 6, 2005

A LONELY PLACE CALLED...ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE

I learned today that Peggy has been having bouts with violent behavior.

That is so unlike the Peggy that I knew. She was a gentle person who would never do anything to hurt anyone.

I wonder what is going through her mind when these violent episodes happen. Why is she fighting the people who love and take care of her? Is she afraid that someone will hurt her?

I asked her this morning if everything was alright and she said yes.   I asked her if she had been upset about anything and she seemed surprised by the question. I told her that I would always be here for her. Her response was...I Know.

There was a sound in her voice that hasn't been there and I have no way of knowing what to do to help her and that is a lonely place to be this morning.

When I used to sew, I would buy a pattern and follow the instructions. When dealing with a Alzheimer's patient...there is no pattern to follow. You just hope that you are doing the right thing.

I feel helpless this morning knowing that Peggy is struggling and having violent episodes.

I hate what this disease is doing to my sister. Her voice is still the same but the Peggy that I knew is almost gone.

I am so angry that this disease has erased the Peggy that I knew.

I am angrier that I can do nothing to stop it!

This disease is like watching a tornado come and knowing that there will be total destruction and all you can do is watch as it approaches.

It is like trying to find a place to hide from danger and there is no  place to hide. There is no safe place and so you just stand there and hope for the best.

This disease is like going to sleep and having a nightmare. You wake up and realize that it is not a bad dream at all but something that is really happening.

Watching someone you love die from Alzheimer's disease is like feeling afraid and scared and there is no one to comfort you. No one to tell you that everything will be alright because it will not.

It is like suffering from intense pain and there is no medication that can ease the pain or make it go away.

It is like crying all the tears of your life and never being able to stop.

The saving grace in my struggle of watching Peggy disappear is prayer. That is all I can do for her and for me.

After talking with her this morning, I prayed that her mind will find peace and that she will not be afraid as she continues to disappear from my life.

I miss you so much and I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

 

 

7 comments:

wendy4145 said...

I'm sure Peggy get's tired of dealing with what she has been dealing with.  It would take a toll on anyone to have to depend on others "especailly when it is hard to communicate"  She has taken it and taken it, it builds up and has to be let out.  She is letting it out the ony way she can now.  She doesn't mean any harm toward those who love her and take care of her, as long as they are kind and good to her.  She probably does know that she is tired of the way her life has been going.  Frustation has to be let out, the only way she knows how.

Gosh Mary Louise, I always want to be careful of what i say on these comment entrys.  I don't know much about the disease, I am saying this out of pure opinion when I put myself in Peggy's shoes.

You are so brilliant with your wording and I am clumsily attempting to take some of your pain away.

I guess  all i really need to do is Pray for you and Pray for Peggy.
love,
Wendy

mosie1944 said...

This happened to my uncle, who passed away last year.  All his life he was a sweet, soft-spoken, true gentleman.  But toward the end he got violent, and had to be taken from the nursing home where he stayed with his wife, because they weren't equipped to handle him.  It's so sad to see such changes in someone you care about.

gatorspictures said...

Mary Louise,
I lurk a lot and rarely comment.
I just wanted you to know that you
are in my thoughts. the violent behavior
that accompanies dementia and loss of memory
of those you love is heartbreaking. every case
is different, but i have been there, too. you are
high in my thoughts. christie "the tennessee gator chick"

stormie4851 said...

I KNOW YOUR FEELINGS, I HAVE THEM FOR A DIFFERENT REASON BUT THEY HURT JUST THE SAME, I AM SAD FOR YOU..............AND PEGGY.......................STORMIE

sdpn72 said...

Your journal is very touching and a wonderful tribute to your sister. Thank you for sharing your emotion and feelings. :-)

My journal: http://journals.aol.com/sdpn72/ReflectionsFromWithin/
Forum: http://imreality.proboards19.com

precious072177 said...

My mother had to watch her mother die of ALZHEIMER'S...  My mother told me that she grieved for her death long before she was physically gone.

Heather

http://journals.aol.com/precious072177/HeatherWORLD

citysensual07 said...

I am currently dealing with my own MOther having Alzheimers and it is a disease that robs and steals whats dear to us.. I am having a hard time with this and lookig for an outlet to express my feelings