Monday, January 10, 2005

GOODBYE DOESN'T MEAN FOREVER

This slow goodbye to Peggy every day has taught me that with every goodbye.....I learn.

I have learned that goodbye doesn't mean forever, it just means for now.

I know that even though she doesn't remember me...I remember her and that is what is important.

I have learned to listen to her voice with my heart and not just with my ears.

I now hear the tender sounds in her jumbled sentences. I do not try to correct her speech or her thoughts. I just listen to her voice.

I understand that I do not need to fill up the silent spaces with chatter when we are talking.

I have learned that it is nice to hear her breathing on the other end of my phone line. I know, by hearing her breathe that she is hearing my voice even though she cannot respond.

I know that Alzheimer's disease is to blame for Peggy's lost memories and it was not her choice to forget about me or her life.

I am learning to deal with the fear of getting the disease myself.

I understand that I need not correct her jumbled sentences but listen to how hard she is trying to speak and sound normal.

I have learned that just hearing her voice is a privilege.

It is a empty feeling to know that someone you have known and loved all of your life has forgotten who you are but I have my memories of Peggy and that helps me through this journey.

Watching my sister disappear is a challenge to live with and to understand but understanding why she developed this disease would not ease the pain that I feel.   

I know that we will never go back to the way we were but I feel privileged because..............

I remember Peggy and I continue to learn from her as she continues to forget and to disappear from my life but .....

She will never disappear from my heart!

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3 comments:

wendy4145 said...

Again, very beautifully put, and very true.

Goodbye isn't for ever, just for a period of time.  For a period of time Peggy will be with you in a special way but not the physical way. When you do get to see your sister again... and then it will be forever. Thanks be to God.  

Love,
Wendy

stormie4851 said...

THERE MAY BE A PART OF HER SOMEWHERE DEEP INSIDE THAT REMEMBERS, JUST A LITTLE....................STORMIE

mslambersfour said...

Mom... today I just don't have words...  I just wanted you to know that I am reading...  and feeling... and crying for you...  and also feel happiness... for Peggy is still here... still on the other end... even if it is just the sound of her breath.  It is breath.  
I love you so....