A GREASY SPOT

    No one knows better than a sister       

    how we grew up, and who our

    friends, teachers and favorite toys were.

    No one knows better than she.    (Dale V. Atkins)

 

                        This knowing about our lives....

            Is what Alzheimer's disease took from Peggy.

                   This disease......

                                 took my sister from me.

 

 I have often thought that if Alzheimer's disease

could take on a form.....

It wouldn't ever want to meet me.

It would want to hide from me.

I grew up watching out for Peggy,

defending her against anyone who  was mean to her

or would harm her.

Alzheimer's disease wouldn't ever want to meet me

after what it has done to Peggy.

My anger towards this vile monster would be unleashed

and after the fight....

There would only be a greasy spot where Alzheimer's stood.

PEGGY AT THE NURSING HOME

I love you Today, Peggy!   I miss you so much!

Mary Louise

 

ABSENT..but Remembered

The approach of the holidays is harder than ever when

someone you love cannot be apart of your life.

It really doesn't matter why they will be absent....

it is just that they are not there to celebrate with you.

 When we were first married, my husband was surprised when

my mother said how sad she would be because we were not able

to come home for Thanksgiving one year.

He said; I don't understand why she feels that way, she has 4 other children.

 He didn't understand until our own daughter could not come home one year.

 It doesn't matter how many people are present,

 if there is one person you love and that person is absent...

no one can take their place. No one can be that person.

No one can fill their place at the table or around the Christmas tree.

I feel like that about Peggy and the holidays.

I have many people in my life that I love dearly and who will bring joy for the gatherings to come.

BUT

There was just one Peggy and....................

She has disappeared and cannot be a part of the holiday joy this year!

  (THANKSGIVING FUN) Peggy, Betty Jean, Barbara

                                                                        ML   (taking picture )

 

Betty Jean, Barbara, Mary Louise, Peggy  (CHRISTMAS)

I Love You Today, Peggy!

I will remember you this holiday season and forever!

Mary Louise

A PEGGY GIFT

One of the most important things I have learned as I have watched my sister disappear........

When someone you love and have depended upon all of your life disappears,

you are forced to find yourself.

I have learned to find my own strength, my own own inter- voice, my own  inter- parent.

I didn't realize how much I depended on Peggy to tell me that everything would be Ok, everything would work out and that I would be OK.

I depended on her and she, on me.

Now, she doesn't need my guidance and I have been forced to find my own.

I have learned that I am stronger than I thought I was.

I miss her very much but I am learning to depend on....

Me!

Thank you, PJ!

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

 

OUT OF MY EYES

I see the world around me when I look out of my eyes but

I cannot see myself.

I can only see myself if I have the reflection of a mirror or something

else that projects my image back to me.

 My world can become small if I look out of my eyes and

 cannot process what I see.

I understand the world around me because my

brain sends a message to my eyes. I learned as I grew that a tree was a tree,

a car is a car, a house is a house.

What does Peggy see, now that her brain is not sending the correct messages to her eyes. Does she remember that a tree is a tree?

I wonder if her eyes recognize that she is Peggy when she sees her reflection in the mirror.

Does her plaque filled brain send the message to her eyes that a chair is a person or a person a chair?

Peggy whispers a lot and seems to talking in a language that only

she and the person that she is whispering with in her mind can understand.

I have many questions about this disease and its effects on the brain. At present, my questions have no answers.

As I continue to try and figure this out it occurs to me.....

It really doesn't matter what Peggy sees or who she is talking with in hushed whispers during her day.

What matters is that she doesn't feel afraid or lonely. She smiles a lot and is content and happy.

If content, cared for and happy is what she sees when she looks from her eyes....

I'm glad that she can still see.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

 

 

 

 

 

THE BACKSTROKE, THE BUTTERFLY AND UNDERWATER TURNS

 

Photo by MaryLouiseRossHarris ...March 2007

                                                                                                     

I don't like to feel anger but I think it is healthy to feel and

acknowledge that it is there...then learn from it and move on.

I also think that it would be un-natural to say or pretend that

there is no anger while watching someone you love disappear from your life.

Maybe, I am the un-natural one for feeling and acknowledging

my anger at Peggy from time to time.

I love Peggy dearly but I still feel abandoned by her in many ways.

I struggle with feeling anger towards my sister because I know that she would have never chosen this path for her life. She had no say in disappearing from the lives of all who love her.

I feel bad sometimes because it feels like that I am the only one who feels this anger or will acknowledge it.

Peggy has been and always be a special person in my life.

I have to think about my anger when it rears its ugly head.

It forces me to sort out and understand where it is coming

 from and how to handle it.

I feel this is the only way that I can grow as a person and as Peggy's sister.

I think of my anger as a tea pot boiling on a stove.

 Once I reach the boiling point and spew out my feelings

I can remove the heat, which is the anger under the pot.

Only then can I think, sort and understand some of the

mixed feelings that I encounter from time to time

where Peggy is concerned.

I love her, no matter what. She is in my prayers all through the day

and if I wake up in the night.

I have felt anger toward Peggy during our lives as sisters.

I always told her why I was angry and she shared

her anger with me.

I think that if you love someone, you care enough to get angry.

I'm not talking about destructive anger but constructive anger.

Maybe, even a little poor me anger from time to time.

 

I love and care about my sister, Peggy and...

I'm still angry that she went away!

I think that is a OK statement to make because if our fates were reversed, Peggy would be giving you an ear full of her anger

about my leaving!

That's just the way the Ross girls feel about one another.

We love each other enough to get angry and share that anger with one another but always with care.

Anger doesn't need to be loud and abusive.

It may be hurtful but it can be a stepping stone to growth

if one is willing to learn.

I think that I grow each time that I am honest and

acknowledge that I have feelings of anger concerning Peggy.

It does not hurt Peggy and will not hurt me if I understand

where it is coming from and strive to learn as I go through

this long process of watching her disappear.

I know that I grow each time that I refuse to sit in the anger

for very long.

I have found that I never have to sit in my pool of anger

for very long before I learn something interesting about myself.

I have learned that if I sat in my pool of anger for to long...

I  would drown and be of no help to anyone.

I have learned so much while watching Peggy disappear.

I have learned that I can be angry with the disease and with Peggy

and it is OK to have those feelings.

I have learned to jump into the pool of my anger, swim around for awhile, get out and dry off.

I Love You, Peggy and thank you for teaching me how to swim.

I'm perfecting the back stroke, the butterfly and the

quick underwater turns.

You will be proud to know that I am swimming better every day!

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

 

 

 

 

 

THE YOUNG TIME

THERE IS NO TIME

LIKE THE OLD TIME,

WHEN YOU AND I

WERE YOUNG!

OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES

 

             

PEGGY

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

DEAR ABBY

This letter and reply was in "Dear Abby" this morning. Dear Abby is written by Jeanne Phillips, whose mother founded the column. You can write Dear Abby at Box 69440, Los Angles, Ca. 90069

TAKING ACTION AGAINST THE SCOURGE OF ALZHEIMER'S

DEAR ABBY:

After a 10 year battle, I recently lost my husband to Alzheimer's disease.

My darling was handsome, brilliant and athletic, a chemist and an avid golfer.

Our family was confused and concerned when he began to lose the ability to do simple tasks.

 The progression of his illness was devastating physically, emotionally and financially.

No one should have this disease, either as a person afflicted with it or as a caregiver who is helpless to intervene.

Alzheimer's disease is not the funny punch line of a joke that it has been made out to be.

It's the seventh-leading cause of death in this country, yet it doesn't seem to get the attention that cancer, heart disease or even AIDS does.

What can I do to ensure that Alzheimer's won't affect my children and grandchildren?

Elizabeth in Dallas

DEAR ELIZABETH:

Your concerns are echoed by the families of more than 5 million American's currently living with Alzheimer's and the nearly 10 million people who are providing their care.

If something isn't done about it now, an estimated 16 million people will have it by the year 2050.

I applaud your determination to get involved.

September 21 is WORLD ALZHEIMER'S DAY, and I hope that you- and others-

will join the Alzheimer's Association by becoming an Alzheimer's Champion, as I have.

To learn more about the disease and how you can take steps to join the fight,

visit.............................

WWW.ACTIONALZ.ORG

This letter was real to me as I have and continue to......

Watch My Sister Disappear.........

From Alzheimer's disease.

If you don't know anyone with the disease..Do it for Peggy!

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise