Monday, October 1, 2007

THE BACKSTROKE, THE BUTTERFLY AND UNDERWATER TURNS

 

Photo by MaryLouiseRossHarris ...March 2007

                                                                                                     

I don't like to feel anger but I think it is healthy to feel and

acknowledge that it is there...then learn from it and move on.

I also think that it would be un-natural to say or pretend that

there is no anger while watching someone you love disappear from your life.

Maybe, I am the un-natural one for feeling and acknowledging

my anger at Peggy from time to time.

I love Peggy dearly but I still feel abandoned by her in many ways.

I struggle with feeling anger towards my sister because I know that she would have never chosen this path for her life. She had no say in disappearing from the lives of all who love her.

I feel bad sometimes because it feels like that I am the only one who feels this anger or will acknowledge it.

Peggy has been and always be a special person in my life.

I have to think about my anger when it rears its ugly head.

It forces me to sort out and understand where it is coming

 from and how to handle it.

I feel this is the only way that I can grow as a person and as Peggy's sister.

I think of my anger as a tea pot boiling on a stove.

 Once I reach the boiling point and spew out my feelings

I can remove the heat, which is the anger under the pot.

Only then can I think, sort and understand some of the

mixed feelings that I encounter from time to time

where Peggy is concerned.

I love her, no matter what. She is in my prayers all through the day

and if I wake up in the night.

I have felt anger toward Peggy during our lives as sisters.

I always told her why I was angry and she shared

her anger with me.

I think that if you love someone, you care enough to get angry.

I'm not talking about destructive anger but constructive anger.

Maybe, even a little poor me anger from time to time.

 

I love and care about my sister, Peggy and...

I'm still angry that she went away!

I think that is a OK statement to make because if our fates were reversed, Peggy would be giving you an ear full of her anger

about my leaving!

That's just the way the Ross girls feel about one another.

We love each other enough to get angry and share that anger with one another but always with care.

Anger doesn't need to be loud and abusive.

It may be hurtful but it can be a stepping stone to growth

if one is willing to learn.

I think that I grow each time that I am honest and

acknowledge that I have feelings of anger concerning Peggy.

It does not hurt Peggy and will not hurt me if I understand

where it is coming from and strive to learn as I go through

this long process of watching her disappear.

I know that I grow each time that I refuse to sit in the anger

for very long.

I have found that I never have to sit in my pool of anger

for very long before I learn something interesting about myself.

I have learned that if I sat in my pool of anger for to long...

I  would drown and be of no help to anyone.

I have learned so much while watching Peggy disappear.

I have learned that I can be angry with the disease and with Peggy

and it is OK to have those feelings.

I have learned to jump into the pool of my anger, swim around for awhile, get out and dry off.

I Love You, Peggy and thank you for teaching me how to swim.

I'm perfecting the back stroke, the butterfly and the

quick underwater turns.

You will be proud to know that I am swimming better every day!

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

 

 

 

 

 

5 comments:

joan3424 said...

I understand the anger, I feel it as I watch my dad disappear little by little.
But, I am more angered by his sons who no longer feel the need to visit their dad.   He is still alive, still here.   He may know more of their visit than they realize.  But they stay away.  That angers me more.  I know he feels the loss even though he may not be able to talk about it.  It ticks me off!  
Wow, you just made me realize that I was angry, too!  lol
I try not to dwell on that.... but, anger is a natural phase of this, don't feel bad about it.

Joanie

kirkbyj05 said...

Your anger is born out of your great love for your sister.  How can that be bad?


God bless her...and you on this journey of hers.

Jeanie xx

wendy4145 said...

Wow!

That was just said so beautifully and creatively!

You have discovered the beauty in a tragedy.

I'm glad I can learn from you.  I'm glad you didn't STAY in the anger stage but you changed and grew to your next stage.

Hopefully I will not stay in mine very much longer.  Loss is one thing I have faced a lot of in the passed 2 months... a domino effect...  I am angry and depressed, but you have taught  me that i can the beauty in my shitty circumstances.

Love,
Wendy

loisontheweb said...

    HERE'S THE LINK TO A  POEM THAT I HAD WRITTEN THAT MIGHT BE HELPFUL:
http://members.aol.com/loisontheweb/young5.htm
    In the poem is the statement that veterans would have this same problem thinking about friends of theirs that had died in combat.
    People who do not visit persons like your sister is now ... are perhaps just cannot bear to see them so incapacitated ... no different than a bloody mess in the emergency room.
LOIS

lacaza3 said...

this disease is cruel it takes away the person we loved and leave us with somebody who is still alive but doesn't know us...I felt that way with my grandpa
he was a shell...
Donna In TEXAS