TOUCHING THE FACE OF GOD

TOUCHING THE FACE OF GOD.

I'm not sure which is worse...losing someone you love suddenly or losing someone you love slowly. I don't know about the suddenly but I know, first hand about the slowly. 

When a loved one dies suddenly...you don't have a chance to say good-bye.  Alzheimer's disease gives you a long time to say good-bye but with one major catch....the person who is going away cannot say good-bye... back to you.

 Our family is living...The Long Good-bye.

Peggy is stretching her arms to heaven. She is reaching out to touch the face of God and will continue to struggle for years.  Other's touch God's face in an instant.

I wish that I could let her stand on my shoulders so that her reach would be longer and her fingers could softly touch the face of God..

Even though I will miss her when she reaches her goal. I will celebrate with her when her Long Good-bye is over.

Alzheimer's disease has been a teacher. It has taught me how fragile life is and the pain of not being able to say good-bye. 

 Alzheimer's has taught me patience, persistence, fear, frustration, anger and what a living death really means.

It has taught me that it is harder on family members to watch a loved one disappear than it is on the person afflicted with the disease.

It has taught me that Alzheimer's is not just an elderly person's disease. It can strike a young woman in her 40's with just as much vengeance.

Alzheimer's disease has taught me that a Sister is forever........death will not end our sister bond....

Even as she continues to disappear from my life.

I Love You Today, Peggy! 

Love You....Mean It!!!

Mary Louise

 

 

A BLANK PAGE

The Blank Page of Peggy's MIND.....

Peggy wouldn't talk with me today. She was distant and cool. I couldn't draw her out so the conversation was short.

After I hung up the phone, I thought... how blank her mind and voice seemed today. Just like a piece of paper with all the writing barely visible.

I think that we keep the storied pieces of our past stored in our being and they remain in our cells forever. We may not remember all of them but they are there... waiting to emerge.

Yesterday, I though of something that I haven't thought about in years. It just popped into my mind from nowhere.

I thought of the vegetable bus that came by our house when I was a little girl. Mr. Millwee owned it and to everyone he was, The Vegetable Man.       His bus was filled with vegetables and goodies. We would run to the bus as soon as it stopped in front of our house. We always has a little money to by something. If we didn't have any money, Mr. Millwee would give us a sucker. It was always a treat to see the Vegetable man coming down the street.

That memory has been imbedded in my being and came back for no apparent reason.

Peggy's memories are floating away and she has no remembrances of the Vegetable Truck or of Mr. Millwee. She has lost past memories that would comfort her today and she cannot make memories for the future.

Alzheimer's has stolen all of the memories that were imbedded in her cells. They have been erased from the pages of her lifetime journal.

Peggy's mind is becoming a blank page in the book that we call life.

She can no longer pick up the pen, that is her mind and record memories and thoughts for her cells to recall suddenly on a Sunday afternoon.

I see Alzheimer's sitting before a giant computer and staring at the written words of Peggy's life.

He takes his fingers and hits the backspace key over and over. As he deletes, Peggy's written life disappears, one letter at a time.

Alzheimer's continues to sit at the computer that displays Peggy's life on it's screen. He will continue to delete her memories until her mind is a blank page and all the words of her life have disappeared.

I am thankful that I have so many memories of Peggy stored safely in my cells and in my being.

I will recall them suddenly... one Sunday afternoon and smile.

I Love You Today, Peggy.

Mary Louise

THE CHAIR......PEGGY'S SAFE PLACE

 We had a very vocal electrical storm last evening.  As the lightening streaked across the dark clouds, it turned night into day. It was as if someone or something was turning a lamp off and on.

While I watched the storm, I thought about Peggy.  I thought about the storm that is raging through her brain. The storm called Alzheimer's sends lightening streaks to the message centers of her brain and when the lightening strikes...it turns her thoughts on and off.

Alzheimer's brainNormal brain  

 

I was on the phone with Peggy for over an hour this morning trying to convince her to get out of her chair and go to the bathroom. The sitter said that she had tried everything. I asked to speak to Peggy and I was sure that I could convince her! After all, we are best friends.

She would say O K to my suggestion that she should stand up but she would not budge from her chair. I told her that I would stay on the phone with her and we would walk to the bathroom together.     I told her that I needed to go to the bathroom and I wanted her to go with me. I tried everything to help her but I couldn't get through the storm of Alzheimer's.

When I finally said good-bye, Peggy was still in her chair and I felt like a failure. I really hoped that she would listen to me and feel safe enough to leave her chair. As hard as I tried, I could not get through the electrical storm in her brain with my love or humor.

 It was a very frustrating, sad call and the tears are flowing as I write because.......  I can picture Peggy sitting all day in her safe place......  

Her chair and she is looking at the world through the eyes of Alzheimer's.  

I Love You Today, Peggy!  

Mary Louise    

PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE

The answer machine picked up when I called Peggy this morning.

I left a message and told her that I Loved her today and would talk with her later.

Her husband said that when I leave a message, Peggy listens to it and talks to the message just like she is talking to me.

After he told me that, I remembered something that Longfellow said;

Give what you have to give.........To someone, ...it may be better than you think.

I hope that my calls mean something to Peggy. I would like to think that they do because it is all that I can give her now.

I am the stranger with the familiar voice. 

I miss so many things about Peggy. I really miss the confidence that she had in me. She always believed in me even when I didn't believe in myself.

She would be surprised if she knew how often a joke, a song, a memory makes me think of her. It is like a moment that we have actually spent together. It reminds me that a sister is a friend forever... I love her even though she has nothing left to give to me, nothing much to say to me or no recognition of me. I love her...Just Because!

Peggy is valuable just because she Exists....

Not because of what she does or what she has done....

But simply because she is Peggy..... My Sister, My Friend!            Max Lucado ( liberties taken)

I Love You Today, Peggy!

My Sister...My Forever Friend!

Mary Louise

 

 

 

 

THE DUNG PILE... CALLED ALZHEIMER'S

Watching Peggy disappear from Alzheimer's disease is like sitting in the middle of a huge dung pile. 

The stench is over powering and the dung clings to my body.         I know that I should get up and wash the dung off but when I try to stand up...the dung pulls me down again like quicksand.

So, on a day like today...I Just Sit in It!

I sit in it because Peggy has forgotten me!  And because....

I Can't Remember..... to Forget!

I miss you, Peggy.... MORE THAN YOU CAN REMEMBER.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

 

THE STONE BENCH

Peggy was quiet today and answered with one word to anything that I said.

I told her about our cookout-swim yesterday and how Jordan and Lauren reminded me of us when we were girls. They were sitting on the stone bench by the pond talking about life just like we did so long ago.

I told Peggy about the picture of us sitting on a stone bench at home and how it made me smile. I asked her if she remembered living at 1805 St. Charles Court. I described how we sat on the bench and talked when we were girls... I recounted in detail how we would sit there and talk about everything.

OUR STONE BENCH

 

There was no recognition in her voice and tears filled my eyes.

 Peggy and I grew up.... We left the stone bench in our past. 

 We left our bench to make way for a new generation of Sisters.  

  A new generation to take their place on the bench. To sit there, side by side and talk about life and dream about the future.

Peggy's future has been decided for her by Alzheimer's disease. She is now sleep walking through life and going through the motion of living. Her mind is becoming as cold as the stone bench from our youth.

I wish with all my heart that we could travel back through time to the stone bench at 1805 St. Charles Court. Travel back one more time to sit on our bench and talk.

The stone bench is empty now.  It is waiting for two more little girls to come and sit and talk....

I wish that Peggy and I could sit side by side on the bench again and talk about life with all the excitement of youth.

I wish that we could have one hour to sit on our stone bench at home...... I wish that I could put my arm around her shoulders....

Just to say... Good-Bye.

 

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

 

 

THE DARK CLOUDS OF ALZHEIMER'S

I read a saying once that said...               

SINCE THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE...WE MIGHT AS WELL WARM OURSELVES!!!!!

That is how I feel about Peggy having Alzheimer's disease.  She has it and I can't change it so I  might as well warm myself on the LIGHT of Peggy that is still visible.

Yesterday and today's calls were different. She was trying hard to communicate with me but couldn't.

She said; I wonder..

What do you wonder??? I said.

Her reply was....I can't remember

Hearing Peggy struggle to remember is hard but she keeps trying and that is a trait that I have always admired in her.

Watching Peggy disappear from Alzheimer's disease is like watching a menacing storm approach. There is a bank of black clouds that resemble dark mountains in the distance. The darkness moves ever closer and continues to cover the blue and grey light of the sky.

Alzheimer's disease is that dark cloud...... it is covering the sun in Peggy's mind.  There is the rumble of thunder in the distance and it is promising a storm. A very destructive storm that will make the day look like night. Peggy was always afraid when it stormed but now, as her storm nears... she is very calm.

Her mind was as bright as the sun on a summer day. Now, darkness is sliding over her brain and covering her light.

I can still see the presence of Peggy shining around the darkness of the clouds. She is still shining to the best of her ability and that makes me smile.

I know that Alzheimer's will never give up until it's dark storm clouds have completely covered the light...

That was Peggy.

Photo by Burnt Canvas

I Love You Today, Peggy

Mary Louise