Tuesday, July 19, 2005

IT'S OK....THE NEXT STEP

I talked to Peggy a little while ago and did something that I wait to do until I hang up the phone......I cried while we talked.

I told her that I loved her today and I was sorry that I could not do something to help her.

As I cried, she said, it's OK. I love you.

Through the haze of Alzheimer's disease Peggy was taking care of me in the only way that she could....

She was taking care of me by saying it's OK, I love you as I cried.

Sweet words to a sister who feels helpless from a sister who continues to disappear.

Peggy will be going into a Nursing Home in 12 day's.   

I have 12 days to hear her voice every day.

I have 12 day's to tell her that I love her today.

I have 12 day's to say, Hi Peggy, this is Mary Louise, your sister.

Today, is a sad day but only for me.

It is time for Peggy to move to the next step even though I am not ready. I know in my heart that it is the best thing for her and so I will say........

Dear Peggy,

I will miss talking to you every day and I am sorry that Alzheimer's disease has taken you away at such a young age. The best years of your life are slipping away but I am thankful that you don't know that.                                                                                                                                                                  

I have missed you for many years now and will miss you for all of my life.

I have missed our long talks and the laughter we shared while talking on the phone.

There is so much that I will miss about you but our shared laughter is the thing that I will miss the most.

You could always make me feel better when we laughed together but I am aware that....

We can't laugh our way through this one, can we Peggy!

But...

We still have 12 days to try!

My sister holds my falling tears in her gentle words.....

It's OK. I love you.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

9 comments:

mawmellow said...

(((((Mary Louise)))))

   A big cyber hug is all I can offer.  I, too, sit here with tears in my eyes as I read your entry for today.  I only can imagine the pain that you're experiencing.  God Bless you and Peggy.  

candespinn said...

MaryLouise, I admire your strength and your devotion to "Our Peggy".  I call her "Our Peggy" because through these words Peggy has touched all of us.  I can attest to that.  I remember the day I found these pages and how I could relate to every word.  You were kind enough to write to me, to inspire me and to tell me that my family was in your prayers.  You are a special lady, as is your sister.  You are all such a loving and giving family.  Believe me, there are many people who suffer from this same illness who are do not have families like yours!
I am grateful that Peggy could comfort you today.  I believe God have her that moment to her for you.  I continue to pray for you MaryLouise.  I continue to pray for "Our Peggy"  
If you ever find a need to reach out to someone who can really understand your pain, please don't hesitate.~Peggy

siennastarr said...

Mary Louise,

I feel as though I have walked down this awful disease's path, with,  both you, and Peggy.  I knew today was going to come for you, and I dreaded it.  I am so sorry that you will miss those everyday phone calls to Peggy, but I'm happy the Lord gave her a moment of clarity, in which she was able to briefly comfort you.  You have touched my heart with your beautiful tribute to your sister, through the words of your journal.
I am keeping you both in my prayers, always.

Jackie

dimundntheruf69 said...

the next step breaks my heart...i am so sorry..~much love,Christie

wendy4145 said...

Mary Louise,

  I am wiping all kinds of tears off my face.  Your sister Peggy said it was ok.. and that she loves you.

Thank God for lovely moments in the midst of the hardest times.

  Peggy is a blessing, I know.  And you are too.

  This entry made me cry.... sweet joy brought tears to my eyes.  Sweet joy in the midst of hardship.

love you
WEndy

caragricke said...

ML....I said to myself that I would not read this journal for a couple of days because I knew when I did I would cry.  When BJ told I didn't cry.
but when I read the email I did.  When I see Peg this weekend with BJ, I will give her a kiss from you.  As I was on vacation this week at the beach, several times I thought that Peg would love to be where I am with my family enjoying the days we are sharing together.  She can't do any of the things we are doing now and I am so sad about that but she knows we love her and pray for her and the family. I know my heart will break the lst time I see her in the nursing home.  I dread that day but know that God will be with me when I enter the room.  I have said I, I, I so much and don't mean too.  She is now in God's hands and our family is left with the heartache that Alzhemier's causes.  Sweet, sweet Peggy we miss you. I know your heart is heavy today and always will be.  Please keep writing because you put into words the things we are not able to say.
caragricke

mosie1944 said...

Thank you for sharing this journey with us.  Any one of us could end up in your shoes... or in Peggy's.  You're showing us the way.

inafrnz247 said...

Your journal is very touching.  My Nana has Alzheimer's...I miss her so much.  What's the saddest part is that she misses us more because she thinks no one comes to see her.  She forgets the minute we walk out of her room at the Nursing Home.  She is reaching a place that is even further away now.  What a cruel, heartbreaking disease... I will pray for you and your sister Peggy as I pray for my Nana.  Your sister is so young.  And it is ok to cry...  Michelle  

s0ngbird1962 said...

Ooooooh, I'm so sorry to hear that the time has come for Peggy to go into a nursing home...  Can't you still call her every day there?  Many hugs to you all....