Thursday, July 21, 2005

ANGER AND PEGGY'S SMILE

Dear Peggy,

I called you this morning but the answer machine picked up. I left you a message and told you that I love you today and I will call you later.

I realize that it is time for you to go into a nursing facility but I don't like to think about it. I will miss hearing your voice every day.

One of the hardest things about watching you disappear is the anger that I have to manage.

I am angry that you are going away.

I am angry that you don't remember who I am.

I am angry that I could do nothing to save you from Alzheimer's disease.

I am angry that you can never go on a Sister's trip again.

 My back is hurting today. There was a time when I could call and tell you and you could make me feel better. So, I am angry that you will never be there for me...ever again.

I am sad, angry and frustrated with you because you have no idea that I am sad, angry or frustrated.

I am angry that I feel abandoned by you. Just like I felt when Mother and Daddy died.

I am angry with Alzheimer's Disease and what it has done to your body and mind.

I am aware that all of my anger towards you today is purely selfish.

I also know that you would be angry too, if you were aware of your fate.

I couldn't help but think of the few times when we were growing up that we got very angry with one another.

I didn't happen often but I remember the times, as children, when you dug your heels in the sand and I dug my heels in the sand. We would stand with our arms crossed over our chests and stare at one another with our meanest, angry faces. I wanted to do something my way and you, yours. After staring one another down, we would walk away from each other in a huff. It never lasted long because we would sneak a peak at one another as we  stomped away and always ended laughing. Our angry faces would turn into huge smiles as we continued to play.

I am very angry with you today....but

I know that anger is just Love......disappointed.

I am disappointed that our time together as sister's has been cut so short.

I am disappointed that we can never be the same sisters that we always were to one another.

I am disappointed that I cannot continue to call you every day and hear your voice.

I am disappointed that I am having such a hard time letting  you go.

This morning, I have crossed my arms over my chest and stomped away but as I was leaving the thought of you...

I couldn't help but turn around and see you smile in my mind.

I started to smile too because that is what we have always done for each other.

Because of the remembered picture of your smile, I replaced my angry face with a smile.

I will keep the picture of your smile in my mind and recall it on the days when I feel angry with you for leaving me and all the people who love you.

You would have never chosen this disease if you had a say in it's development so...

As hard as it is to see you go, Peggy.

Thank you for leaving me the memory of your smile.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

 

 

7 comments:

candespinn said...

I admire your strength and willingness to express yourself even in the hardest of times.  I'm angry too, Marylouise.  It's comforting to know I am not alone.  Thank you for sharing your life and Peggy's with me.  I continue to pray.  God bless you both!

stormie4851 said...

I AM SAD FOR YOU AND FOR PEGGY AND ALL THAT HAVE TO GO THRU THIS SORT OF THING.  I WAS SAD FOR PRESIDENT AND MRS REAGAN, AND I AM SAD FOR A LADY IN OUR CHURCH WHO IS SLOWLY BUT SURELY BEING OVERTAKEN BY THIS DISEASE.  AND IT SCARES ME, IT SCARES ME BECAUSE I HAVE 3 SISTERS THAT I LOVE DEARLY AND I PRAY (SELFISHLY) THAT WE WONT HAVE TO FACE SOMETHING LIKE THIS.  MY HEART CRIES FOR YOU AND THEM.................STORMIE (HERE AM I)

dimundntheruf69 said...

This entry touched my heart...I can really relate...keeping you in my thoughts and prayers...~Christie

wendy4145 said...

I'm glad she can still make you smile.

My sister's tiffs were a bit less friendly than your's and Peggy's on the beach.  Something special about Ml and Pj's bond.

some never get to have that ever.

I'm glad you two will always have your smile bond.

love
Wendy

jayveeconcerto said...

What a poignant and very special journal you have! I can understand what you're going through. My favorite aunt was recently diagnosed with "dementia" and seems to be losing more & more of her mental capacities every day. It's heartbreaking to see this happen. Thank you for your kind comment on my blog - I hope you'll visit again.          Jon

gdireneoe said...

My heart is with you ML.  I helped my mother-in-law with her older sister while she left us.  We are now watching the oldest sister.  My mil is terrified.  This disease is very prevalent in her family.  I have added you to my alerts.  Just love her ML...she is in there somewhere.  C.  http://journals.aol.com/gdireneoe/thedailies

magogos said...

Just want to say I keep all of you in my prayers. Your words are such a gift to so many and I am so sad Peggy does not know this. Margo