ANGER AND PEGGY'S SMILE

Dear Peggy,

I called you this morning but the answer machine picked up. I left you a message and told you that I love you today and I will call you later.

I realize that it is time for you to go into a nursing facility but I don't like to think about it. I will miss hearing your voice every day.

One of the hardest things about watching you disappear is the anger that I have to manage.

I am angry that you are going away.

I am angry that you don't remember who I am.

I am angry that I could do nothing to save you from Alzheimer's disease.

I am angry that you can never go on a Sister's trip again.

 My back is hurting today. There was a time when I could call and tell you and you could make me feel better. So, I am angry that you will never be there for me...ever again.

I am sad, angry and frustrated with you because you have no idea that I am sad, angry or frustrated.

I am angry that I feel abandoned by you. Just like I felt when Mother and Daddy died.

I am angry with Alzheimer's Disease and what it has done to your body and mind.

I am aware that all of my anger towards you today is purely selfish.

I also know that you would be angry too, if you were aware of your fate.

I couldn't help but think of the few times when we were growing up that we got very angry with one another.

I didn't happen often but I remember the times, as children, when you dug your heels in the sand and I dug my heels in the sand. We would stand with our arms crossed over our chests and stare at one another with our meanest, angry faces. I wanted to do something my way and you, yours. After staring one another down, we would walk away from each other in a huff. It never lasted long because we would sneak a peak at one another as we  stomped away and always ended laughing. Our angry faces would turn into huge smiles as we continued to play.

I am very angry with you today....but

I know that anger is just Love......disappointed.

I am disappointed that our time together as sister's has been cut so short.

I am disappointed that we can never be the same sisters that we always were to one another.

I am disappointed that I cannot continue to call you every day and hear your voice.

I am disappointed that I am having such a hard time letting  you go.

This morning, I have crossed my arms over my chest and stomped away but as I was leaving the thought of you...

I couldn't help but turn around and see you smile in my mind.

I started to smile too because that is what we have always done for each other.

Because of the remembered picture of your smile, I replaced my angry face with a smile.

I will keep the picture of your smile in my mind and recall it on the days when I feel angry with you for leaving me and all the people who love you.

You would have never chosen this disease if you had a say in it's development so...

As hard as it is to see you go, Peggy.

Thank you for leaving me the memory of your smile.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise