Wednesday, April 6, 2005

SPRINGTIME

Spring has finally arrived in Ohio. The sky is blue, the birds are singing and the spring flowers are blooming. The grass is greening and the sun shines warm.

Spring has arrived with all it's glory.

 I talked to Peggy this morning and I was aware, by the flat sound of her voice, that spring will never come into her life again.              I felt frustrated while talking to her because I was trying to find a little spring in her voice.

Her voice was covered with the ice and snow of Alzheimer's disease and it has come to stay in her life. Her brain is frozen and will never thaw.

She can no longer appreciate the wonderful sights and sounds of Springtime.

Peggy doesn't miss springtime with her husband or her daughters. She doesn't miss springtime with her brother or her sister's because she can't miss people or seasons that are no longer stored in her memory.

 I went for a walk this morning after talking to Peggy. I needed to clear my head of the winter that I heard in her voice.  I turned my face to the sun and welcomed the warm rays.  I took a deep breath and smelled spring. I smelled the springtime of all of my memories of Peggy.

Winter would be a difficult place for me to live because....              I remember Spring.

I thought about the constant winter where Peggy lives and sadness covered my heart.

I was sad because I know that she will never be able to appreciate spring again.

Then, the thought came to me that Peggy is not sad that she lives in the winter of Alzheimer's.  

Peggy is not sad, happy, afraid nor does she have any of the emotions that I had as I walked in the warmth of the spring sun. 

When Alzheimer's entered her life, it took her thoughts and feeling away. It took the springtime of her forties and now early fifties away.

Alzheimer's disease has only one season and that season is....Winter.

Peggy's mind is frozen and spring will never come again but she has no sadness about seasons or people that she doesn't remember.

This morning, as I was about to hang up after my call to her, I started to cry.

Then,  Peggy reached through the phone lines and touched my wounded heart with a little spring.

My tears thawed a place in her winter mind and there was a burst of spring in Peggy's voice as she whispered...don't cry.                Then winter returned to her voice once again.

My memories of Peggy are precious and painful because...

She doesn't remember springtime or me and......

I can't remember....

To forget.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

5 comments:

barbpinion said...

You're such a precious sister. I hate what this disease is doing to so many families. How sad that sweet Peggy cannot remember Spring, and that you, can't remember to forget. Love you, and pray for you and your family every day, and before going to bed. Bless you and yours. *Barb*

sanforized6 said...

Mary Louise, I have commented on many, many of your entries about this terrible tale, and I must apologize. I didn't realize Peggy was so young. Now, all the tears and sadness I've felt for you and her, are doubled!! I'm so, so sorry. Keep doing it, I'll keep reading, and praying, and, yes, crying.....rich

wendy4145 said...

Can't remember to forget....  You two are having opposite situation.

but you will always be special sisters friends.



Love,
Wendy

motoxmom72 said...

Mary Louise.....I thought about you today.  I just finished reading The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks.  If you've read it you know how he had such a great love he thought he could beat it. And at times he did ~ by the end of every day she was his love again.  In his sequel he explains to his son-in-law why he did what he did- I won't ruin it for those who haven't read The Notebook or The Wedding.  His reasons for doing what he did are nothing extraordinary.  It was LOVE.  The love you express daily for Peggy is known by all who read what you write in this journal.  I'm sure you had long talks with Peggy before it got really bad.  She might not remember who you are, but you are remembering and telling everyone all about her life.  She knows deep down that you loved her and still do.  Your words touch the heart and soul of everyone who reads your posts.  Have a blessed day!
Gina

luvmybucs2000 said...

Mary Louise..words cannot express how your journal and story of Peggy touches me. It reminds me to grab each day and ba thankful. Thank you for sharing your story and hers, I feel like I know you and her. What a terrible long goodbye and for one so young. Makes it even doubly tragic. I will keep you all in my prayers on your journey.
hugz,
Brenda