SEARCHING : To go over or look through for the purpose of finding something; an act of searching; scrutiny, inquiry or examination in an attempt to find something, gain knowledge, establish facts, etc.
IN SEARCH OF: making a search for; trying to find, learn, etc. by searching.
Ever since the day that I called Peggy and she didn't remember who I was...I have been searching for her.
I have been searching for recognition in her voice.
I have been searching for shared memories that only we knew.
I have been searching for the Peggy that I grew up with.
I have been searching for my sister, my friend.
Even though I know that it is not possible for Peggy to remember, I keep asking her if she knows who I am.
I keep trying to get her to remember me and that we are sisters.
I know in my head that all of her memories of us are gone.
I know that in my head but not in my heart.
I get angry sometimes and indignant thinking, How could she have forgotten me!
Even today, I kept searching her words and hearing no recognition in her voice.
Peggy is forever lost, I know that, so why do I keep searching?
Maybe, I am not searching for Peggy at all.
Maybe, I am searching for me.
Maybe, just maybe, I am trying to find the Mary Louise that I used to be before Alzheimer's entered my sister's life.
Maybe, I am searching for the laughter that I had before Peggy got sick.
Maybe, I am searching for the peace that I had before I started to worry that I too, may get the disease.
I had thought all along that I was still searching for Peggy but the truth is that I am now in a search.... to find me again!
I am searching for the carefree, fun loving, risk taking, lighthearted Mary Louise that I lost when my sister, my friend got Alzheimer's disease and she forgot who I was.
When someone you love forgets who you are, forgets your history together, forgets shared feelings and memories, it does something to your inner-core.
It wounds a special place in your soul where you still remember but they do not.
So, as I watch Peggy disappear....
I continue to search .....
I continue the search to find....Me!
I Love You Today, Peggy!