Thursday, April 7, 2005

SEARCHING

SEARCHING : To go over or look through for the purpose of finding something;  an act of searching; scrutiny,  inquiry or examination in an attempt to find something, gain knowledge, establish facts, etc. 

IN SEARCH OF:  making a search for; trying to find, learn, etc. by searching.

Ever since the day that I called Peggy and she didn't remember who I was...I have been searching for her.

I have been searching for recognition in her voice.

I have been searching for shared memories that only we knew. 

I have been searching for the Peggy that I grew up with.

I have been searching for my sister, my friend.

Even though I know that it is not possible for Peggy to remember, I keep asking her if she knows who I am.

I keep trying to get her to remember me and that we are sisters.

I know in my head that all of her memories of us are gone.

I know that in my head but not in my heart.

I get angry sometimes and indignant thinking, How could she have forgotten me!  

Even today, I kept searching her words and hearing no recognition in her voice.

Peggy is forever lost, I know that, so why do I keep searching?

Maybe, I am not searching for Peggy at all.

Maybe, I am searching for me.

Maybe, just maybe, I am trying to find the Mary Louise that I used to be before Alzheimer's entered my sister's life.

Maybe, I am searching for the laughter that I had before Peggy got sick.

Maybe, I am searching for the peace that I had before I started to worry that I too, may get the disease.

I had thought all along that I was still searching for Peggy but the truth is that I am now in a search.... to find me again!

I am searching for the carefree, fun loving, risk taking, lighthearted Mary Louise that I lost when my sister, my friend got Alzheimer's disease and she forgot who I was.

When someone you love forgets who you are, forgets your history together, forgets shared feelings and memories, it does something to your inner-core.

It wounds a special place in your soul where you still remember but they do not. 

So, as I watch Peggy disappear....

I continue to search .....   

I continue the search to find....Me!

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

 

4 comments:

barbpinion said...

Every time I read one of your entries I cry. I have a sister who just wrote me out of her life. We were close all our lives and for her to do this is devestating. I love her and always will. What a  waste, and here you are, wanting the sister who is leaving you, through no fault of her own. Praying for all of you. *Barb*

wendy4145 said...

Peggy hasn't forgotten you Mary Louise.  Peggy is sick and her mind has been damaged and effected.  That hurts!  It must be awful to watch a loved one go through that.  Harder on her family and friends than on Peggy really.  You are right there.  You are not lost.  You won't get alzhimers either.  You are grieving and you are sad cercomstantially.  You may be searching for happy days of the past and future, and that is hard  but not impossible to accomplish while you are hurting so badly.  But you are here, you are still wonderful, fun-loving, special, spontaneous, creative and kind... joy will come back into your life.  I promise!!!  You will find peace again too.  For now, you have every right to feel sad, lost and even angry.  Take care of you.

Love,
Wendy

sanforized6 said...

Another beautiful, thoughtful tale. By writing this, your search is found. rich

stupidsheetguy said...

This is my first visit to your journal. It's breaking my heart. My beloved Grandfather fell victim to this awful disease, and while it was sad, he'd lived a very long, happy life, so his life ended peacefully and not so tragically. Peggy is so young!
I'm going to be reading this often, and I'll comment where appropriate, but I won't fill your journal space with useless drivel, it would be demeaning to your story. But I'm with you from here on in.
Take care, ok?

Jimmy