Merry Christmas Eve Peggy.
I miss you today.
I miss your laughter, your excitement, your smile.
I miss knowing you remember what Christmas means.
I miss sharing with you.
I miss so many things that made you...You.
I miss you this Christmas of 2006 but I am thankful for all the Christmas' that we shared as sisters.
This is just another day for you but for me...
It is the Christmas memories of our lifetime as sisters.
Merry Christmas, Peggy!
I Love You Today!
Mary Louise
I was shopping for Christmas gifts the other day at our local mall.
I watched the people's faces as they hurried past me as I walked past the many stores that were decorated for Christmas.
I was feeling blue and needed to see a smile directed toward me. I needed a smile to help me through the sad feelings.
I did not see a single smile because everyone, including me, was absorbed in our own lives, our own rush to buy gifts and our own sadness of the season.
I made my way to the food court, found a table and sat to watch people as they hurried past my table.
There was no laughter that I could hear. The mall music was softly playing Christmas carols in the background.
Everything was decorated and ready for Christmas except...
The people in the mall and......
Me.
I was searching for my Christmas spirit and my shopping trip to the mall made it very clear to me the the spirit that I was searching for that day was not to be found in...
The mall, the music that was playing or the decorations of the season.
The spirit that I am searching for this year cannot be bought, wrapped and given to me.
My Christmas spirit must be earned and given away to come back to me. I can't change what is going on, on the outside...but I can find what I am looking for on the inside.
My spirit this season can only be found inside of me.
I went back to the mall to try an experiment.
I didn't look at the faces of the people who passed me hoping that they would give me the smile that I needed from them.
Instead, I gave my smile to their faces.
I bought a gift in a store and as I turned to leave the store, I said Happy Holidays to the sales person and she smiled back at me.
I helped a lady pick up her coat from the floor and she smiled and thanked me. I said, Happy Holidays and she said, thank you and smiled back at me.
What I learned in a few hours in the mall was.....
You cannot wait for other people to give you the spirit of the season.
You have to give of yourself and when you do, the smiles will come from the faces of strangers and warm your heart. Giving of yourself brings the spirit of the season back home where it belongs.
If you are searching for the spirit of the season this year...You will find it when you give your spirit away.
It's amazing how the smiles come back home when you open the door of your heart and welcome others inside.
Peggy, I miss you this Christmas season.
I miss your smile this year but I did see your smile in so many faces at the mall when I took the time to give my smile away.
I learned that I could not find the joy of this season until I was willing to give my Christmas Spirit away and expect nothing in return
Mary Louise A work in progress
Always remember to forget the things that made you sad.
But never forget to remember the things that made you glad.
( Elbert Hubbard )
I have been shopping for Christmas and searching for the perfect gifts for those I love.
I walked through the stores at the mall and looked at all the wonderful gifts that I could buy. I took my time because these will be special gifts that will be opened on Christmas morning.
While shopping, I thought about a store that I wish existed in our mall.
It would be called "The Memory Place Store".
I could go in this shop and buy my gifts to give to Peggy for Christmas.
I could stroll down the isles of the Memory Place Store and buy all of her memories back, wrap them in pretty christmas paper and give them to her this Christmas morning.
On Christmas morning, under her Christmas tree, there would be colorful boxes, decorated with bows and glitter and signed, Love, Mary Louise.
She could open the boxes one at a time and each would contain a group of her forgotten memories.
One box would have all the stories of her childhood.
Just by opening the box, her childhood memories would flood back into her brain as she sipped the coffee that she loved.
Next, she could open the gift box containing all of the memories of her teen years.
She would carefully take them from the box and drape them around her neck and in a flash, all of those memories would be hers again on this special Christmas day.
Then, she would open the next three boxes.
Those boxes would have the memories of her 20's, 30's and 40's wrapped in white tissue paper.
She would open the boxes one at a time and have all of those memories drift back into her mind while sitting in the light of her shining, twinkling Christmas tree.
The next gift box would contain the memories of her husband, her marriage and of her children.
What joy would shine from her face as she looked at them lying in the box and she could remember all of the times they spent together.
She would throw the contents of the box into the air and let the memories rain down on her and bask in the glow of their love and remember each of them once again.
The last gift box would hold the memories of our parents, her sisters and her brother.
She would smile and hold the box to her heart and remember the love that we all share. She could take each memory out and hold it in her hands. She could throw the memories around like balls, bouncing them from the floor to the ceilings while laughing.
Her eyes would be shining and brimming with tears because she could remember her life and the love that was shared at Christmas time and the rest of the year.
On this special Christmas morning...The morning of miracles, Peggy could have a miracle for one day.
For this one special Christmas Day, Peggy would get 7 beautiful boxes. Each box containing the gift of the remembering her life.
She would open all of "The Memory Place Store" gifts that were carefully wrapped in beautiful paper and colorful bows.
She could unwrap her past and present and remember.
She would have one day to remember what it is like to love and be loved.
Peggy would know on Christmas day morning that even though her life is disappearing...
My love for her will never disappear! We gave one another the gift of our love for many Christmases.
Just because she cannot remember.... doesn't mean that I will forget!
Life may end, times spent together may end but ....
Love remembered at Christmas and through the year will never end!!
Merry Christmas, Peggy!
I Love You Today!
Mary Louise
Margaret Mead said:
Often... sisters become each other's chosen and most happy companions.
In addition to their shared memories of childhood and of their relationship to each others children, they share the memories of the same home, the same homemaking style, and the same small prejudices about housekeeping the carry the echoes of their mother's voice.
Dear Peggy,
I am sad that you have forgotten that I was your treasured companion.
I am sad that you have forgotten the shared memories of our childhood.
I am sad that you have forgotten your children and mine.
I am sad that you have forgotten the memories of our home at 1805 St. Charles Court.
I am sad that you have forgotten how mother decorated for Christmas and her famous Thanksgiving dinner.
I am sad that you have forgotten mother's voice saying...don't open an umbrella in the house, go out the same door that you came in, don't be a boys proving ground, always remember your Colley pride, blood is thicker than water, always call and come home and many other sayings.
I am sad that you have forgotten mothers voice and mine as well.
But Peggy....
I am glad that you had those things for a precious, few years.
You might have forgotten in your mind but I know that those memories will remain in your soul for....
They will always remain in mine!
I Love You Today, Peggy!
Merry Christmas 2006.
Mary Louise
There was an article about Alzheimer's disease in our Monday paper.
The title was...'I have lost myself'
When I first started writing this journal about Peggy, she made this statement to me, I lost me!
NOVEMBER 4th 2003
Peggy said something today that gave me chills and made me cry. I asked her how she was doing and she answered in a loud, scared voice.
She said... M. L......I lost Me!
I asked her how she was and if she was going anywhere today ( her sitter takes her out every afternoon).
She said, I don't know...I don't know and sounded so scared.
I assured her that it was O K and not to worry.
She said, all the babies were there and so was Barbara ( sister who lives in Atlanta ).
Barbara is not there and I knew it.
I told her that I loved her today and she said, I know and I love you too.
Then, she said, I can't go anywhere.
I said why Not, Peggy?
She replied...I can't go anywhere because I HAVE LOST ME!!!!!
The Long Goodbye to my Sister, my Friend continues every day!
ML
That entry was made in 2003 after Peggy had been losing her "self" for quite sometime. She was still able to communicate and let me know how she was doing.
Now, she is really lost.
Peggy is lost forever and as hard as I try........
I cannot find her!
The reason that I cannot find my sister was discovered by Alois Alzheimer 100 years ago this November.
Article by David Shenk. The author of The Forgetting: Alzheimer's, Portrait of an Epidemic
( abridged by Mary Louise Ross Harris)
Alois Alzheimer was a 42 year old German psychiatrist and neuropathologist.
He shocked his colleagues with his description of one woman's autopsied brain.
The woman was named Aguste Deter. Five years earlier, her husband had admitted her to Alzheimer's psychiatric hospital in Frankfort, Germany with disturbing set of symptoms: memory trouble, aphasia ( loss of the ability to use words), confusion, bursts of anger and paranoia.
When she died in April of 1906 at the age of 55, Alzheimer was able to look inside her brain.
Ernest Leitz and Carl Zeiss had just invented the first distortion free microscopes.
Franz Nissl had revolutionized tissue-staining, making various cell constituents stand out, opening up what was characterized as "a new era" of the study ofbrain cells and tissues using various colored stains.
Alzheimer studied the frozen tissues of Aguste Deter's brain at a magnification of several hundred times and he finally saw the disease.
It looked like measles or chicken pox of the brain. The cortex was speckled with crusty brown clumps ( we now call them plaques) too many to count. They varied in size, shape and texture and seemed to be a hodgepodge of granules and short, crooked threads, as if they were sticky magnets for microscopic trash.
The plaques were nestled between the neurons, blocking their communication with one another. Alzheimer could see them with any stain at all but they showed up best in a blend of magenta red, indigo carmine and picric acid.
A different stain revealed what Alzheimer called, " a tangled bundle of fibrils" ( weedy, menacing strands of rope bundled densely together). These tangles grew inside the nerve cells, strangling them together.
Alois Alzheimer had discovered that Aguste Deter had not lost herself.
Rather, her "self" was taken from her.
Thank You...Alois Alzheimer!
Peggy's brain is the description of Aguste Deter's brain.
Peggy told me years ago that she was losing herself and the way that she talked to me, I knew that in some way, she felt responsible for her condition. She tried so many things to get her function back.
She was ashamed and embarrassed that her memory was failing and that she would get lost driving.
Oh Peggy! I wish that you could understand me today!
It was not your fault! You did not lose yourself!
Your "self" was taken from you.
You are too far advanced to remember who you were but Peggy....
I remember you...just like you were before Alzheimer's disease took your mind from you.
I made a promise to you before you completely forgot your life and I am keeping that promise.
I am writing about what this disease has done to us, to your family and to everyone who knew the Peggy Jane that we knew.
Your brain was taken from you but the "you" that is in our hearts will always be....
Peggy.
I Love You Today, Peggy!
Mary Louise
I think that memory has three parts...........
The Good, The Bad, The Ugly.
Peggy's memory has been erased and she doesn't have to deal with the three phases any longer. Or does she?
What happened yesterday or an hour ago is gone from her brain, or is it?
Does she have to deal with the good, the bad or the ugly of her memory?
If she does, how does she cope with the flood of thoughts that can sometimes be frightening?
Personally, I like to remember all the good things that are stored in my memory. I would just as well have the bad and ugly erased.
But the truth is that we learn so much more from the bad and the ugly.
Have you ever thought about how memory works in our minds?
We RECALL good memories and this takes thought as we pull the good memories to the front of our mind. The bad and ugly memories just pop into our minds at any time....uninvited.
Every time I get on an airplane to fly, a bad memory floods my mind, no matter how hard I try to forget that near crash. The memory is burned into my mind and only comes out to haunt when I arrive at an airport. I don't have to try and recall it...it is just there...uninvited.
I know that Peggy's good memories have been erased but do the bad and ugly memories still come into her mind uninvited?
I have also wondered if she dreams at night. Does she have bad dreams occasionally like everyone else or are they gone as well?
I have so many unanswered questions about what Alzheimer's disease does to the brain.
I hope that the bad and ugly memories in Peggy's mind have been erased along with the good ones.
I hope that just like a new born baby...her memory and mind is clear except for the love, care and food that she needs at the moment.
I hope this is true because how could she understand the sudden, re -lived fear that accompanies a bad memory?
When I relive a bad or ugly memory, I can reassure myself that it is over and not real in my today world.
What about Peggy? Does she still have bad and ugly memories that visit her.....
Uninvited??
I Love You Today, Peggy and wish only good thoughts when you have flashes of memory.
I pray that only good memories are present in your mind on the ocassional days that you do remember.
I pray the the bad and ugly memories have been erased never to come and visit you...
Uninvited.
Mary Louise
I have learned that you cannot watch someone you love disappear before your eyes and not be affected on a very personal level.
When I forget a name or can't recall something quickly....I am concerned.
I have learned that you cannot remove yourself from the fear of getting Alzheimer's disease or Picks disease but have to find ways to live with the possibility.
I have learned to live with this fear can be debilitating in living your life...if you let it.
My Doctor and good friend has told me that there is a test that I can take to know my possibilities concerning the diseases. He also said that if the test came back positive that it was no guarantee that I would develop the diseases.
I gave having the test long and serious thought and have decided not to have the test.
I thought...What would I do different if I consented to the test and they came back positive?
My answer was... nothing. Many areas of my life have had considerable growth since I started watching Peggy disappear. I have learned to slow down and live in the minute, the hour and the day.
I don't worry about what people think of me like I used to. I don't worry if everyone doesn't like me like I used to.
Now, I am comfortable with knowing that everyone will not like me or approve of who I am and what I do and that is all right.
I have learned because of Peggy journey, that each day is truly a gift.
I have learned that there are no guarantees in life no matter how hard you try.
No guarantee that our health will always be good and that life will always play fair. It is not a scary possibility to me but a simple reality. A reality that reminds me to live today... to not let yesterday and tomorrow rule who I am today.
Life and health have not been fair to Peggy but because of her struggles...
I have learned how to live.
Because of her struggles, I have learned to live every day and every minute.
I know in my heart that if I ever start to disappear...
I have a husband, children, a brother and two other sister's who will walk the path with me even if I forget who they were in my life.
NO ONE KNOWS BETTER THAN A SISTER....
HOW WE GREW UP.
NO ONE KNOWS BETTER THAN A SISTER WHO OUR CHILDHOOD FRIENDS WERE.
NO ONE KNOWS BETTER THAN A SISTER WHAT OUR FAVORITEGAMES WERE.
NO ONE KNOWS BETTER THAT A SISTER WHO OUR FIRST LOVES WERE.
NO ONE KNOWS BETTER THAN A SISTER WHAT OUR FIRST HURTS WERE.
NO ONE KNOWS BETTER THAN A SISTER....OUR LIFE HISTORY AND LIFE PRESENT.
NO ONE KNOWS BETTER THAN A SISTER.....
THAT I WILL NEED THEM IF I EVER START TO DISAPPEAR!
Peggy is our baby sister and we will continue to be there for her even though we are all miles apart.
We are there for Peggy in love as we were when we grew up together.
Our motto was then and is now...
MESS WITH MY SISTER...MESS WITH ME!
I Love You Today, Peggy!
Mary Louise
