SMILE FOR MARY LOUISE

 My talk with Peggy this morning was different.

The sitter told her that it was her sister, Mary Louise on the phone.

When Peggy took the phone, I noticed a sadness in her voice.

I told her who I was and asked how she was doing today.

She said, good.

Peggy, I said, you don't sound like you are good. You sound sad. Are you sad today?

Yes, she said. I am sad.

Will you tell me why you are sad? I really want to know.

Yes, was her reply. But then the silence. I waited through it and finally said,

Peggy, talk to me about the sad that you are feeling this morning.

Then she paused for a long time trying to find the words. Then she said, Sheree and the babies are here. Brooke and the babies are here. I don't like to go to church today.

It sounds like a lot is going on at your house. Can you tell me more about being sad?

She was trying so hard to put sentences together but could only say single words that did not go together. After she finish the jumbled sentences I said to her....

You do have a lot to deal with today, Peggy.

Can I help you with anything?

Her answer made me feel good and sad at the same time.

She said, no, I'm good because Mary Louise is here with me and she makes me good.

I said, Mary Louise must love you a lot, Peggy.

She sure does, was her reply.

She stays with me and makes me smile.

I'm glad that she is there with you.

Me too!

Mary Louise really loves you, Peggy!

I know she does cause she makes me laugh when I feel sad.

Tell Mary Louise hello for me, O K?

O. K. I will.

Peggy,  make sure and smile for Mary Louise today because that will make her very happy.

I know it does. I will.

 Good. I love you, Peggy.

I Love you too, Baby.

My sadness over this conversation is that she didn't know that she was talking with Mary Louise.

The happy part of my talk with Peggy this morning is that she feels that I am with her and that I can still make her smile.

Her voice sounded better when we hung up the phone. There is some comfort knowing that Peggy feels that I am close to her and that I love her. Some where in her mind...she still remembers love. Somewhere in her mind... she still remembers me.

It is a gray, rainy day here...outside and in my heart but.....

I am smiling because Mary Louise is with Peggy on this day in her life. She is with her and she remembers how much I love her. Somewhere in her mind she remembers all the smiles that we have shared. Somewhere in her mind, Peggy and I are still sharing all the smiles of our lives..

That is a special gift from Peggy on this gray, rainy day in Ohio.

I Love You Today, Peggy!  and......

I am smiling too!

Mary Louise

 

 

COMMENT ON...WHILE THE BAND PLAYED ON...

You have an interesting take on this old issue. 

 I'm sure it does feel like Peggy's going down with the ship so to speak.  She laughs and seems on the surface to be whole and full of life but you know it's just a matter of time until the ship will go down for the final time. 

 I understand this metaphor as it applies to Peggy but what does it say to you. 

What happens to you when the ship goes down?  I love you.  JEH

Dearest John,                                                                                                   

When the ship finally goes down, I will let go of the ships railing and of Peggy and swim to a life boat.

When I am safely in the boat, I will watch the sea where Peggy slipped under the water and cry all the tears of my life.

  Then, I will turn my face towards the shore and wait to be  rescued.  

My faith in God and my love for you will be my life preserver when Peggy finally slips under the surface of the water.    

I will always look to the sea and remember the place where Peggy lost her fight and drowned ...   

I will carry a sadness in the empty space where she had lived in my life. But there will also be smiles and joy for the closeness we shared while we floated on the sea of our sisterhood!  

 The days that Peggy and I shared growing up and the fun we had together as adults will be my music and the band will play on in my life after she is gone.....  

 I would never let Peggy slipping under the water of Alzheimer's disease drown me as well.  

My life will still hear the music and I will still love the sea after Peggy is gone.    

I will always hear the music of our lives as Sisters....  

AND I Will....    

Dance the dance of life in Her Honor........  

And the Band Will Play On~~~~~  

 I Love You, John!  

I Love You Today, Peggy!  

Mary Louise

THE POWER OF SILENCE

This morning when I talked with Peggy, I decided not to fill in the empty spaces in our conversation.

I wanted to see if I was rushing to words so quickly that I was not giving her enough time to respond.

This was our phone time this morning.....

Hi Peggy, this is Mary Louise.

Hi and then there was...silence....the dreaded silence.

This is the place where I get uncomfortable and start chattering away.

This morning, I just let the silence fill the minutes.

How are you today?

Good and then silence...

Peggy, do you know who this is?

Yes, and more silence.

Who am I, Peggy?

 When I ask her this question, I get very nervous.                    There is a place within me that still hopes that she will say my name. If she doesn't answer right away, I usually start the nervous chatter.

This morning, I just listened to the silence.

After a minute that seemed like hours, she said, Ummm. Trying to come up with a name.

I usually jump in at this point and say, it's Mary Louise Peggy, your sister.

But I resisted and held the phone and listened to the silence and tried to rest in it's quiet.

Not helping Peggy goes against everything that I am as her sister but today.

 I needed to listen...

I needed to listen to the silence and try to feel comfortable in it's power.

It's not what a person says that is most important, it is what they do. Peggy held the phone to her ear in the silences and didn't hang up.

I knew that she was on the other end of the line and I am learning to accept that she does not have the words to express her feelings any longer.

Today, I did not fill the silences for my sister.

I just listened and didn't try to change the silence for either of us.

I thought back to the times when we were young girls and talking wasn't allowed. We would still communicate with our "Love You Mean it" sign... using our fingers to make the square.

 I knew that Peggy held the phone to her ear and heard my voice. I knew that even though she could not remember my name....

That there is still a special bond........

In......

The Power of the Silence between us.  

     I'm making our " Love You...Mean It" sign in silence...knowing that Peggy and I never needed words to communicate our love as sisters.

I Love You Today and Mean It, Peggy!

Mary Louise

 

WHILE THE BAND PLAYS ON.....

Peggy was happy this morning. Her voice had a lilt to it and she was laughing. It was as if she had a private joke that she couldn't share with me.

Even though I told her my name and that I was her sister...she had no idea who I was and that creates an empty place inside of me.

I asked her what was making her so happy today and she said that it was a good hair day.

It feels good to hear her familiar voice and it feels sad to know that she thinks that she is talking with a stranger.

Sometimes, she sounds so normal that I want to scream at her and say...Stop this act, Peggy! It's not funny!

I know that it is not an act and that she can't help what Alzheimer's has done to her mind. It is just so frustrating to hear her sound so happy when I am in such pain.

Sometimes, after a call like today, I get angry and vow that I will not call again and feel so completely shut out. I lecture myself and decide that I will not keep making these calls to Peggy.

Then, I remind myself that I am the healthy one here and need to quit feeling so sorry for myself. I just miss her so much and it hurts to my bones to realize that she does not think of me or miss me the way that I do her.

My feelings today are like the old saying "stuck between a rock and a hard place."

Why do I find myself in this place today when Peggy was so happy?

I think it is because we cannot share our happy any longer.       There is no "two way street" in our relationship. The relationship is very one-sided and I have to carry the burden of being forgotten while she laughs. It is a laughter that can no longer be shared because I have nothing to laugh about.

It is difficult for my healthy mind to comprehend that Peggy has forgotten who we were.

I am sad and angry because I have lost my sister, my forever friend.

There is not a single thing that I can do but watch her disappear a little more every day.

It feels like I am standing on the deck of The Titanic. The ship is sinking, the music is playing, all the life boats have been filled and are in the distance.

Here I stand, hanging on to Peggy and the railing of the huge ship as it continues to sink...

 Here I stand, waiting for the cold water of Alzheimer's to wash Peggy down into the sea.

Here I stand.......

While The Band Plays On......

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

 

 

Sitting on the Dung Pile

Today...There are no words to express how I am feeling about losing Peggy. The words are inside of me but cannot find their way to the page.

This entry was written eariler this year and is worthy of a repeat because it describes my mood today.

Watching Peggy disappear from Alzheimer's disease is like sitting in the middle of a huge dung pile. 

The stench is over powering and the dung clings to my body.

 I know that I should get up and wash the dung off but when I try to stand up...the dung pulls me down again like quicksand.

So, on a day like today...I Just Sit in It!

I sit in it because Peggy has forgotten me!  And because....

I Can't Remember..... to Forget!

I miss you, Peggy.... More than you can remember!

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

VOTE TODAY!

 

What a privilege!

I was very proud to go and stand in a long line to cast my vote this morning.

I have never witnessed such a large turnout at the voting place. It made me feel good and I know that who ever wins...

It will be the word of the people..

Peggy can no longer go to the voting place and make her choice known by voting.

I was thinking about that as I stood in line.

So, everyone who can and is healthy enough...

VOTE TODAY!

It is a right and the privilege of being a United States citizen.

Peggy can never vote again but ...

You Can!

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

FROM MY VANTAGE POINT.... IN THE SHADOWS

Today, I look out of my window and see a cool, rainy day with gray skies. The trees are almost bare and it looks very lonesome.

I remind myself that above those gray clouds, the sky is blue and the sun is shining..... I just can't see it from my vantage point.           I must trust that it is there and that I will see the sunshine again.

The Peggy that I now know is dark and gray with no blue skies.  The leaves on the tree of her mind have fallen to the ground.       The sunshine no longer glows from her green eyes.

What I struggle to keep in mind is that the sun that was Peggy is still shining... I just can't see it from my vantage point!                  

 I trust that it is still there and that I will see it again someday.

I am like the weather looking out of the window of my soul.  Cloudy and gray today with very little sunshine in my heart.

Though this day is gray, I know that it needs to be lived and appreciated for its unique beauty.

I have to live and understand what the gray part of life feels like or how could I learn to appreciate the sunshine in my life?               I know that if there is sunshine..there are also shadows.

Peggy brought a lot of sunshine to my life and now, I must remind myself that she is still shining......and I am standing in the shadow of her sunshine.

Shine on....Peggy~~~~I know that the sparkle that made you who you were is still in there somewhere and shining brightly........

I just can't see your shine from my vantage point... in the shadows!

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise