ALGAE OF THE MIND

ALGAE OF THE MIND.....ALZHEIMER'S

The pond in our yard is filled with so much green algae that you can hardly see the fish.

The pond has been clear for a long time and all of a sudden the algae has taken over. It has clogged the filter and oozes down the waterfall.

 The filters are cleaned every day and the scum is scraped from the rocks on the water fall. The very next day the green slime is back and thicker than before.

I think this is what Alzheimer's disease does to a mind. It enters a clear, thinking mind and slowly clogs the thought processes. The slime wraps around every nerve and fiber and fills every space in the brain. It continues growing this murky slime until the mind is so clogged that it is helpless to think or act on it's own.

There are no drugs to keep the filter of the mind free from the Alzheimer's assault of the oozing slime. There are only drugs to slow down the process for a short while.

Peggy is in the last stages of the Alzheimer's algae assault that covers her mind. Her brain is covered with the poison of the slime.

The bright, clear headed, ambitious, beautiful person that I knew, now sits in a chair and is immobilized by the green slime of the Alzheimer's Algae.

June Masters Batcher said,  God is so big..He can cover the whole world with his love and so small..........He can curl up inside your heart.

Peggy's mind is filled with Alzheimer's Algae and there is no room for any one or any thing to be present in her brain but guess what!!!!!

God is curled up inside of her heart.....and she is safe.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

 

NO TOMORROWS...ONLY YESTERDAY'S

 

HALLOWEEN....LONG AGO

BETTY JEAN, MARY LOUISE, PEGGY, BARBARA, JOHNNY.

SWEET MEMORIES TO MAKE MY DAY SMILE!  

 IT WAS GOOD TO HEAR YOUR LAUGHTER THIS MORNING, PEGGY. I CAN STILL MAKE YOU LAUGH WITH A JOKE.  MAYBE, I DO MAKE A DIFFERENCE WITH MY DAILY CALLS.

I WILL MISS OUR TOMORROW'S BUT OUR YESTERDAY'S  MAKE ME SMILE AND THEY WILL ALWAYS HAVE A SPECIAL PLACE IN MY HEART.

Margaret Mead said:

SISTERS IS PROBABLY THE MOST COMPETITIVE RELATIONSHIP WITHIN A FAMILY, BUT ONCE THE SISTERS ARE GROWN, IT BECOMES THE STRONGEST RELATIONSHIP.    

I LOVE YOU TODAY, PEGGY!

MARY LOUISE

 

TEARS IN HEAVEN

TEARS ON EARTH...TEARS IN HEAVEN

Peggy didn't know who I was today. It's all right though because I still know who she is.

I hung up the phone and as hard as I tried not too.. I started to cry. 

I try not to go there but I thought of the day in the near future when she will die. In many way's...she has already died.

Peggy really began to die to me when she forgot who I was and when she began talking to me like I was a stranger. In many way's...she is already in heaven. Far out of reach to all who love her.

I wonder if she will know who I am when I get to Heaven and see her again?

Saying  good-bye to someone who is still alive is difficult?  I do it every day in inches and hold on to the fact that one day, when we meet in heaven...She will remember who I am. She will see me and say, Hi, Mary Louise. We will look at one another, point our fingers at each other's faces and laugh as we say....

LOVE YOU...MEAN IT!!!!

 The song, Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton expresses what I would like to say to Peggy today.

TEARS IN HEAVEN by Eric Clapton and Will Jennings

Would you know my name if I saw you in heaven?

Would it be the same if I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong and carry on, 'cause I know I don't belong here in heaven.

Would you hold my hand... if I saw you in heaven?

Would you help me stand...if I saw you in heaven?

I'll find my way... through night and day, 'cause I know...I just can't stay here in heaven.

Time can bring you down, Time can bend your knees.

Time can break your heart, Have you begging...Please, begging Please....

Beyond the door, There's Peace.... I'm sure, and I know there'll be no more....

Tears in Heaven.

I'll see you in Heaven one day, Sister!

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

 

THE ALZHEIMER'S OCEAN

THE ALZHEIMER'S OCEAN

Today, No words would come...I seem to have trouble learning that I cannot expect anything back from Peggy.

I read the entry that I wrote in February and it explains what I am feeling today.   Mary Louise

I am learning that there are many levels of grief. Today, I talked with Peggy and didn't tear up or feel bad when I hung up the phone. She was no different today than on most days.  I was the one who was different. I didn't expect to get anything back nor did I try to get her to remember.

Grief is like standing on a beach and watching the waves roll in and roll out. Some day's, there is a storm at sea and the waves come in with such force that they literally knock me over. Today, the waves were small and easy to feel and watch as they slid back into the ocean.  

 When I bring my memories to the shore of the daily calls, I cause the waves to get rough. It is when I expect to get something back from Peggy that I cause my own stormy seas.

Today, I didn't expect to get anything back from her. I just wanted to hear her voice and the sea in my heart was calm.

I wish that I could learn to be a buoy and never let the waves knock me over again. But...I know me and I also know that there will still be those calls when I stand on the shore of my remembrances and try to get something back. There will be those days when I drop my anchor and try to get her to remember..... When I do, then I am the one who will cause the stormy sea in my heart.

Peggy is sailing in a beautiful ship, on a sea of glass. She has no fear of  rough seas or the storms that I see in the distance.

 I am the sailor who keeps trying to bring her back to the shore before the storms come. I am the sailor who keeps dropping the anchor instead of being the buoy that rocks on the waves and rides out the storm with her.

I have much to learn about grief and how it is affecting me. I will try hard to ride the waves as they come. I will try to realize that my grief is like the ocean and the waves will continue. They will always roll in and they will never stop touching the shore of my heart. I will continue to stand facing the ocean and watching the approaching storms. And I know that I can not stop the waves from washing Peggy away, no matter how hard I try.. I will just strive to be her anchor in the storm as I continue to learn  how to be a Buoy!

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

LAUGHTER...THE BEST MEDICINE

Peggy was laughing when she came to the phone this morning. It was nice to hear her laughter again.

I asked her why she was laughing and she replied...I don't know.

She had a secret joke in her mind but she had no way of sharing it with me.

Peggy always had a joke or funny story to share before she got sick. She still has them in her head but cannot share them any longer.

It was still wonderful to hear her laughter and to be apart of the up day in her mind.

Calling her every day is like the roll of the dice.

I never know which Peggy will come to the phone. I never know if she will hang up on me, be angry, be happy or sad.

I call to hear her voice.....  before Alzheimer's takes that part of her away too.

Just hearing her laugh over her secret joke made me smile and laugh too.

Alzheimer's is taking Peggy away but it can never take my memories of all the laughter we have shared through the years.

Laughter is the best medicine and I got a big dose of happy today.

Thank You, Peggy.                 

I Love You Today!

Mary Louise

THE ELEVATOR .....ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE

Peggy is riding on an elevator and it is ....Alzheimer's disease.     This elevator only goes one way and that is down. The button that displayed the up arrow has been disconnected. There is no help button or phone in the elevator for Peggy to call for help. 

The doors to the elevator of Peggy's mind are closing a little more each day.  Even though I try to keep the doors open by calling her every day to remind her that I love her...I can do nothing to keep the elevator doors from closing on Peggy. 

I see her standing in the elevator, smiling as she pushes the button that will close the doors and take her away.  She is getting tired of trying to find and push the up button in the elevator of her mind.

Keep trying Peggy because.....

I Miss You and I Love You Today!

If you can stretch your heart and expand your love so that it touches not only those to whom you can give it easily...but also to those who need it so much!  Daphne Rose Kingma

Putting an emotion into words....gives it life and a reality that  otherwise....it does not have.   Arthur Gordon

Mary Louise

TURBLENCE IN THE AIR

TURBULENCE IN THE AIR

COMING HOME

I flew across the country on Saturday. I returned to Ohio after three weeks in Santa Barbara, California.

 I boarded a small plane and we took off from the Santa Barbara airport. The turbulence started as we climbed to 27 thousand feet and it continued until we landed in Salt Lake City. I was thankful to be safe on the ground again and breathed a sigh of relief, as did the other passengers. I'm not certain but I think the pilots did too!

I was certain that the next leg of the trip would be smooth. It was on a 757 jet and a big plane was better than a small one...I thought!

The take off was bumpy and the big plane swayed in the turbulence. I decided that once we reached 37 thousand feet....all would be well.

No So.....We were never served beverages because the stewards had to stay buckled in just like the rest of us. So, we bumped and swayed and hit air pockets for nearly 4 hours. I tried to write to keep my mind off of the situation but the turbulence was so great that I could not write or read. I just had to hang on and hope for the best and be prepared for the worst.

I was aware that I had no control over what was happening to me and that I had to trust the pilots of the plane who were strangers, to get me home safely.

That experience is what I feel Peggy is living every day. No control over her life and trusting that others will get her home safely and take care of her.

I knew this morning, as I talked with her that she had no idea who she was talking with on the phone. There was hesitation in her voice as she answered the simple questions that I asked her.

It is a strange feeling to talk with a sister that I know so well and at the same time, wrap my mind around the fact that she doesn't know or remember who I am any longer.

Alzheimer's is the turbulence that swirls in Peggy's mind. It constantly bumps, sways and causes her to hit air pockets. Keeping her mind off guard and her thoughts jumbled.

I landed safely on Saturday evening and was home again.  I have some control over my life and I can choose how I will react to any situation that life throws my way.

Peggy's journey with Alzheimer's disease piloting the plane of her mind, will continue to be a bumpy ride for the rest of her life and.........

She will never land safely or be at home until her plane crashes.

As long as Alzheimer's controls her mind....It is in total control and Peggy is just along for the ride.

The one thing that Peggy doesn't know is that all her sister's and her brother are running beside the plane or riding in the Alzheimer's plane with her.......

She just doesn't know who we are any longer. We are just nice people who are passengers on the same plane while she continues the ride of her life!     Her airplane journey to Disappear!

I LOVE You Today, Peggy and  I'll be right there with you...Always!

Mary Louise