A couple of weeks ago, I developed what the Doctor said is tinnitus. It is loud repetitive noises in both ears. It sounds like I have 100 sirens blaring in my head.
It is hard to think or do normal activities. I can mask the noise during the day when there are many distractions but at night it is unbearable and I get little sleep.
The nights are quiet and I cannot mask the noise even with a sound machine.
So during the darkness of nighttime, I think.
Last night, I decided that it is much easier to watch Peggy disappear during the day light hours because there are distractions.
At night, I am sitting with me and my thoughts. I decided last night at 3:30 am that I was not very good company to myself.
I felt nervous and was not kind in the words that I said to myself.
I was impatient and feeling sorry for me!
I felt all alone and at times, scared as the noises in my ears continued.
I thought last night that it takes practice to be comfortable inside my head. To be comfortable when it is just me in the dark of the night.
I couldn't shut off my mind in the night as memories marched through my head like a parade on the 4th of July.
I noticed that every few minutes, I would get up and walk about the house....Every parade needs a drum major and I was way out in front of my memory parade.
I kept trying to turn the memories off by reading or writing but the parade continued through the rest of the night.
At one point, near dawn, I heard my thoughts say to me...What is wrong with you ML?
I sat down so frustrated while the noise kept ringing in my ears.
Then, it came to me....
What a privilege it was to have a night like last night. Sure, it was uncomfortable, lonely and long but......
I still have the ability to remember and the privilege of having a parade of memories march through my head.
I am blessed because I can remember.
I have a gift that Peggy has lost.
You can not lead a parade if you have forgotten how to march.
Peggy does not have any memories to march behind her in the day light or in the night time.
So my long night was exhausting but on the up side....
I was privileged to lead a parade!
I Love You Today, Peggy!