Monday, June 5, 2006


A couple of weeks ago, I developed what the Doctor said is tinnitus. It is loud repetitive noises in both ears. It sounds like I have 100 sirens blaring in my head.

It is hard to think or do normal activities. I can mask the noise during the day when there are many distractions but at night it is unbearable and I get little sleep.

The nights are quiet and I cannot mask the noise even with a sound machine.

So during the darkness of nighttime, I think.

Last night, I decided that it is much easier to watch Peggy disappear during the day light hours because there are distractions.

At night, I am sitting with me and my thoughts. I decided last night at 3:30 am that I was not very good company to myself.

I felt nervous and was not kind in the words that I said to myself.

I was impatient and feeling sorry for me!

I felt all alone and at times, scared as the noises in my ears continued.

 I thought last night that it takes practice to be comfortable inside my head. To be comfortable when it is just me in the dark of the night.

I couldn't shut off my mind in the night as memories marched through my head like a parade on the 4th of July.

I noticed that every few minutes, I would get up and walk about the house....Every parade needs a drum major and I was way out in front of my memory parade.

I kept trying to turn the memories off by reading or writing but the parade continued through the rest of the night.

At one point, near dawn, I heard my thoughts say to me...What is wrong with you ML?

I sat down so frustrated while the noise kept ringing in my ears.

Then, it came to me....

What a privilege it was to have a night like last night. Sure, it was uncomfortable, lonely and long but......

I still have the ability to remember and  the privilege of having a parade of memories march through my head.

I am blessed because I can remember.

I have a gift that Peggy has lost.

You can not lead a parade if you have forgotten how to march.

 Peggy does not have any memories to march behind her in the day light or in the night time.

So my long night was exhausting but on the up side....

I was privileged to lead a parade!

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise







mosie1944 said...

Cliff has had tinnitus for years; I feel so sorry for him.  Once he asked me to put my head near his ear to see if I could hear it, but I told him it's not real noise... just damaged nerves.  

pharmolo said...

Sorry to hear of your discomfort. Good for you to take the positive line in it, but with a very sad background. Hope it gets a little better soon

wendy4145 said...

it is hard to see the rainbow when we are in the middle of a storm.  you have been able to do just that, though.

I hope something can be done about the tinnitis that helps you rest better.  


mgmturner said...

I understand the frustration of tinnitus, having been diagnosed with Menier's (sp?) disease.  It comes and goes, but when it's with me the ringing is nothing I can escape.

I was thinking.  Maybe Peggy does have a parade of memories in her mind when she is sleeping.  I don't know anything about alzheimer's, but isn't it possible that the area she cannot access anymore during her waking hours are accessible as she sleeps? That her dreams are crisp and vivid and full of life?

Maybe it's  not possible, but it's nice to think of Peggy leading her own parade - a wonderful Fourth-Of-July extravaganza complete with her baton.  :)


peppypioneer said...

I'm sorry that you had a long and lonely night, but glad that you have memories to keep you going.  I haven't visited for awhile now, but am glad I stopped by again.  Thank you for letting me know Peggy too.  Paulette